it’s been a really great summer so far. so many old friends have returned to shawnigan, some cool new ones have entered the mix, and there has been much hanging out and summer fun such as swimming, camping, soccer, bbq’s, outdoor movies, campfires, etc. i’ve been having a swell time.
having swell times is weird though. it’s making me nostalgic for moments right as they occur or even before they have occurred, and fearful for the end of the current era.
for example, i’ve been thinking about the doors song ‘summer’s almost gone’ for about a month now.
to me, it really captures the waning heat of summer, dried and yellowed fields, brilliant orange and red sunsets. it’s really bittersweet because it’s such a beautiful time but it also signals the end of all the fun and vitality of summer. i guess it’s similar to how i feel about death, like i mentioned in my post about my grandma: it’s sad but it’s an integral part of the incredible web we weave. so i’m having a wonderful time this summer and feel like i’m doing a good job of making the most of it…but all the while, i keep thinking about the end of it, how bittersweet the transition to fall will be, and it bothers me that i’m even thinking a month into the future at all. i wish i could shut my mind up for a while and stop over-thinking stuff like this because it makes me ask myself stupid questions, like “am i being present? am i really appreciating these moments or am i allowing myself to be distracted thinking about future possibilities?” i HATE those kind of questions. they’re way too meta or post modern or whatever for me. i figure if i’m happy, all is well, end of story. and yet, my mind won’t shut up. it’s frustrating.
and occasionally, i find myself bummed that summer is going to end. now that’s just plain stupid considering i just explained how much i’m also looking forward to fall — i guess i want to have my cake and eat it, too. i’m also embarrassed to feel like that about summers impending end because it’s not like it’s a big god damn surprise. every season ends pretty soon, duh. but it’s like some part of me is still an 8-yr, maddened from a candy high, having a little freakout that someone is going to take my nice thing from me, even though they’re going to replace it with another nice thing.
an interesting thing to note is that even without mentioning any of this to jenn, she showed me a new poem she had been working on that touched on all of this ‘end of summer’ stuff. as a side note, i think she did an excellent job of capturing the feeling of it in that poem. anyway, it’s clearly on her mind too, and dana and i were talking about the same thing this last week and he totally relates too. so i wonder if these feelings have something to do with the fact that this is the most old school summer we have all experienced in 10 years or more, what with all the friends and fun and activities. maybe we are feeling hyper nostalgic because at the heart of this summer, we are simply revisiting the very things that we enjoyed so much back then and have missed since.