where have i been? to hell and back, apparently.

i just got back from a 3-week road trip to and from burning man with my wife. we had a grand old time, seeing and doing all kinds of cool shit all along the way. this was my third time at burning man and it was the best one yet.

however, i’ve got a laundry list of things to bitch about now.

  1. RUDE FUCKING PEOPLE #1. my mom had given us $25 in US change that she had accumulated so we brought it along to blow. in long beach, WA (lovely place btw, i highly recommend visiting it) we stopped by the saddest little flea market that consisted of only 4 or 5 vendors hocking the usual wares, and no shoppers besides ourselves. it was utterly pathetic, but kind of cute in a way. at least until this rude bitch gave me attitude for paying for her canned chocolate cake (baked in a jar and then canned to preserve it indefinitely…it was delicious) with change. initially she was very friendly and talkative but as i counted out the $8 in change, i noticed her giving me some weird looks. i thought maybe she was just weird and i was reading into it, but then she made a comment about bringing real money with me next time, as if her lone customer’s change simply wasn’t good enough. i guess she’d rather be alone and broke with her cake than take some coins.
  2. GROSS CARICATURES OF AMERICANS. at a popular fishing destination called hebo lake, we saw two super fat white trash dudes, both with their ass cracks very well exposed, who had to coral their vicious pit bulls to keep them from attacking us as we walked by, 20 feet away. fat. ass cracks. white trash. blood thirsty pit bulls. i felt like we just walked into an episode of COPS. i was thoroughly horrified for all the decent americans because it’s these idiots that a lot of people think of when they think of the average american.
  3. NO RECYCLING ANYWHERE. i was constantly disgusted with the complete lack of any recycling at most places we visited. most campgrounds didn’t even have bins for cans and bottles, they were all thrown in with the trash or burned in the campfire pits. considering the dismal US economy, i find it shocking. first off, returning cans and bottles is easy money. second, on an industrial scale, recycling paper, plastics, metal, oil, styrofoam, etc is big business too. what an absolute fucking waste to simply toss it all.
  4. PEOPLE DUMPING GARBAGE IN THE PLACES THEY LOVE. at the same fishing hole we saw the fat white trash with pit bulls, i noticed a ton of fishing garbage in the lake, like containers for bait, empty beer cans, fishing line, etc. if people like fishing, why would they throw their shit in the lake and kill the fish? it’s so fucking thoughtless that i want to wait in the bushes to see a fisherman chuck his empty bait container in the water and then sick my vicious pit bull on his ass.
  5. CALIFORNIA STATE PARKS SUCK SHIT. we camped in the redwoods state forests and they were incredible, but the park was in godawful shape. we looked on a map and found a 19-mile designated bike loop. guess what, it was a piece of shit. half the signs were missing so we got lost twice, half the ride was on a dusty dirt road we shared with a million cars, fallen trees lay across the trail every 5 minutes, the bushes had overgrown the trail completely so we couldn’t even see what kind of ground we were biking on or if we were going to hit a hole or log, and large branches hung so far down that we were at risk several times of being clotheslined. if that was a hiking trail, i could forgive a few of those details, but as a marked and designated bike route, it was absolute shit. that biking trip was one of the worst parts of our whole trip. what made it worse was seeing the shiny new office for california state parks just south of where we had camped. it’s clear where all the revenue from their overpriced campground ($35 per night and $8 for firewood) is going, and it’s not back into the parks.
  6. INEPT CAMPGROUND HOSTS. you know the people who live at a campground for a whole season, those are the campground hosts. you buy firewood from them, direct any questions about the sites and surrounding area to them. well, we asked this one old guy near french reservoir in CA if the way we were going would take us back to the I-80. he said yup, that it was a rough road and someone came that way in their car the other day and said they wouldn’t recommend it but yes, it went to the I-80. well, he was out to fucking lunch because the only car that could drive that road would have to be lifted monster truck of a 4×4. the ruts were so deep, the boulders so big, the turns so tight, the climb so steep, the cliffs so sheer, that of the 5 vehicles we saw on that road, 4 were ATVs. and then there was us in our crew cab 1-ton truck with a fucking giant camper in the box, threatening to tip over the whole time. so i’d like to give a very personal ‘choke and die’ to that particular camp host who obviously didn’t know what he was talking about but gave us bad info as if he did. not to be forgotten was the old camp host at brooks memorial state park in WA who shouted at my wife, couldn’t make change for us to pay for camping, and directed us to store next door that had obviously been closed for a very long time, and was even for sale. do these idiots ever venture outside their RVs? jesus christ, if you’re going to do something, do it well. even if it’s just being a campground host.
  7. HIPPIES AND THEIR FALSE REVERENCE. my first year at burning man, i was enthralled by all the amazing stuff. the second year, i still enjoyed most of it. this year, i loved hanging out with friends but found myself largely unable to look past the hippie bullshit. i like the temple and some other spiritual pieces there but what ruined my time checking them was the fact i couldn’t move in them because they were chock full of hippies crying, meditating, staring into space, and generally acting profoundly touched. are these people profoundly touched 24-7? get real. you can be touched by something and not dissolve into a sobbing, disgusting mess, you fakers. if i go to burning man again, i’m going to dress in a clown costume and come do gags and magic tricks at the fucking temple just to ruin it for all those phonies.
  8. LOSER TRY-HARD PARTY ANIMALS. also at burning man, i heard a lot of fake laughs and screams of joy from people pretending to be way more excited than they actually were. it’s so obvious and phony when people pull that shit that i don’t know how they can face each other when they do it. but groups of them do it together, and i guess that makes them feel more secure in their lie. i would hear one person going “AAAAAAHHHHHHH HAHA HA HA HA HA” and then another person would join in, and then they’d go “ha ha oh my god dude, seriously, like WHAT THE FUCK, ha ha haha AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH”. in real life, no one responds like that to something amazing, not even kids. it’s pathetic to witness adults doing it.
  9. RUDE FUCKING PEOPLE #2. i hate pieces of shit that feel like kings and queens of their own shit piles, like their disgusting little corners of the litter box are worth anything. i gassed our truck up in north bend, WA but the price i paid per gallon was more than listed on the sign. i went inside to ask the attendant. the 30-something year old was missing his teeth,  gaunt as all hell, looked like a heavy smoker and drinker, and had a smug demeanor. he was guffawing with some of his equally trashy friends when i walked in. i explained the price discrepancy and without even making eye contact he just said “cash or debit.” for clarification, i asked if that meant that by paying with a credit card it cost me more. still without making eye contact, he simply nodded, apparently annoyed that i interrupted his chuckle with his loser pals. i take solace in the fact that that gas station is probably the furthest extent of his pathetic kingdom, and that one day when he is fired for stealing from the store, he will have nothing left but memories from when he was on top of the world in that shell station in buttfuck nowhere, making me feel dumb for asking a silly question.

i think that’s most of the shit that annoyed me on the trip. it was actually a lovely time, merely punctuated with occasional shitheads, phonies, and ineptitude. in fact, i can’t wait to do it again!

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