the grudge.

i used to date on plentyoffish.com. it mostly sucked. i found a lot of girls misrepresented themselves in their pics and were far less attractive in person, some were total flakes, some played weird headgames before i even met them in the flesh, and a few broke my sensitive little heart. i’ll be the first to admit that last one is no feat.

before i go any further, i want to say that POF was not all bad. far from it. i met one girl who i have stayed friends with, and the overall experience was a good challenge that forced me to be more social and see things about myself that i’ve been able to work on. so i encourage people to try it.

back to the point. i’m still pretty darn sensitive, and a few times now when i’ve been looking through old emails for some obscure piece of info or a timeline to events in my life, i’ve found parts that mention girls i POF’d with. it’s amazing then how the crippling shame and emotional pain of rejection come flooding back. when i read those emails, i am reminded of how hurt i was when girls couldn’t find the time to actually meet up, or bailed altogether. i am reminded of how badly i wanted things to progress with certain girls, how those girls let me down or brushed me off, and how crushed i was at the time. super fun stuff.

previously when i came across these same reminders, the pathetic child in me had wished i could sum up everything that i am and show it on a movie screen to all those girls. i wanted them to know that i am in fact a catch. i wanted to say something like, “you may have not been interested in me but i want to you to know that i’m worth finding 45 mins to meet with. i’m worth a second date. i will be a great partner to someone someday, and it’s your loss that it wasn’t you.” i mean, i like me a lot, even if they didn’t.

there was one girl in particular i really liked and who seemed to like me on our one and only date, but she had an excuse each time i invited her on a second date. i think i only asked her on two or possibly three more dates but i still felt like i was an idiot and should have known better, should have never let her turn me down more than once, should have avoided the embarrassment of looking and feeling like a desperate fucking loser.

so i was just looking at old emails the other night when i found ones that mentioned her, and i had the pleasure of once again revisiting all those awful feelings and memories mentioned above. i got to wondering whatever became of that particular girl who had made me feel so small, and with a little searching i was able to find her full name and some pics. i was surprised to find she is nowhere near as pretty as i remember her being. either she has aged poorly, is not photogenic, or my visual memory of her is shoddy. the guy i presume is her bf looks like a hipster geek. that’s bad enough from college kids, and totally unacceptable from someone in their mid-30s. and it looks like she’s into a lot of shit that i hate, like terrible music and boring vacation destinations. from what i can see, it looks like i should thank her for saving me from wasting any more time on her before finding this stuff out!

it’s not gracious or big to mock people who once wounded you but gee whiz, it sure feels good to know that even if i was single and she asked me for a second date, i’d have to politely decline and then skip away, laughing like a madman because the tables had finally turned.

i’m not bitter.

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