COOKIES

do you know what i love? staying home and baking cookies while listening to death metal.

+

= AWESOME

i’m aware that that probably sounds ironic or like a cornball joke but i’m not kidding. i love good death metal (bolt thrower, old morbid angel, pestilence, dismember, entombed, cannibal corpse, carcass, old amorphis, napalm death, enslaved, etc) and i have such a huge sweet tooth that baking my own cookies is the only financially feasible way to sate my lust for chocolate. baking large batches of cookies takes time so what better way to help pass that time than listening to death metal? i’ve been combining the two for years and have learned a few tips about baking cookies that i wanted to share.

  • chill the dough. warm dough sucks because when it goes in the oven, it melts and spreads out. you wind up with thin, hard, crispy cookies, and i don’t like that. so after you make the dough, put it in the fridge for 30-60 mins before doing anything else.
  • don’t let dough balls sit on a warm pan. this is similar to the above tip because if you put the dough balls on a warm pan while you wait for the batch in the oven to finish, the dough is going to warm up and you’ll get the same gross thin crispy cookies. only put the dough balls on the pan just before the pan is to go in the oven.
  • bake for precisely 9 mins. most cookie recipes say to bake them for 10 mins but don’t listen to them. 9 mins is key to a moist, soft, kick ass cookie. set your alarm and when it goes off, don’t text your fucking friend to tell them you’ll BRB or whatever. hustle your fat ass over to the oven and get those cookies out ASAP. seconds count!
  • only wait 1 min and then put the cookies on the cooling rack. don’t leave them sitting on the hot pan for another 10 min because the hot pan will continue to cook them. just give them a minute so they are a little firmer and then put them on the cooling rack.
  • don’t fuck around with healthy bullshit. i eat cookies because i love butter, chocolate, and sugar. adding fruits and berries and crap to make it healthier is polishing a turd since it’s still a cookie made of fat and sugar and not actually healthy, but now you don’t even get the full enjoyment of eating something fully decadent. you get some halfway healthy, halfway ok-tasting cookie. bullshit. go balls deep or don’t bother at all.

can i get a OH HELL YEAH for cookies. and please, try listening to the above mentioned bands the next time you bake cookies. hopefully it will enrich your baking experience like it does mine.

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