mindless fucking shit tv

there are a lot of terrible fucking tv shows on these days, and everyone seems to be eating them up. game of thrones, breaking bad, true blood, orange is the new black, the walking dead, sons of anarchy, shameless, etc. they’re all crap. i don’t care how many people like them or how many ass-sucking critics rave about them, they’re trash. want to know why? because they’re all the exact same — predictable soap operas with a ‘gritty’ veneer.

that about sums it up.

i’ve watched more than i care to admit of each of those series (my wife loves trashy tv so i end up seeing or listening to a lot of it) and they all fall into the same typical trappings. love triangles, love betrayals, unrequited love, blah blah blah. throw some zombies or white trash living in with it and you’ve got a hit new series. i think it’s because college fuckheads these days like to think their tastes are really different from their parents, like they need grittier tv shows that they can relate to. i guess they don’t realize that they’re actually watching dallas or beverly hills 90210, just with vampires instead of rich texans or rich kids.

let me give an example. i heard a lot about breaking bad in particular and how i was really going to go nuts for it. it was fine…for a little bit. then they got to the standard heartfelt moment bullshit that i saw coming from a mile away: jesse starting dating some girl but it wasn’t going very well and he was really upset. then one day him and walter were working away making meth when walter asked jesse how things were with the girl. jesse responded with both hostility and vulnerability, “what do you care, old man?” the scenes illustrated that despite being a super bad, stupid kid who makes meth, jesse actually has real feelings. WHOAH. we also see that walt is actually starting to care about jesse. DOUBLE WHOAH. and guess what, we also see that jesse sees walt as some sort of father figure. WOW!!! this show really has it all. i mean, it’s so gritty and harsh but at the same time, we have these really real characters, people that i can totally relate to. now i know that even people who make meth are real people, just like me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this scene did a fantastic job of illustrating how MULTI-LAYERED and REAL jesse is. pfffffft fuck you

that’s fucking bullshit. it’s stupid and i predicted it all happening, and if i can predict where a show is going, there’s no need for me to watch it. these shows are all the same fucking turd, all polished up, and totally redundant.

similarly, i hate all the predictable double crosses that occur at the end of each and every goddamned scene. i get so sick of some queen or lord saying saying to some young scamp, “yes, i think we can help you…for a price. but we’ll discuss that later.” and then the scene ends showing either the queen or lord with a devious smile on their face, or the scamp with a look of terror on theirs because you just know that now they’re eventually going to have to betray their lover or sibling or best friend or fucking WHATEVER. snore.

oh, it’s so TENSE! who is he fucking over NOW? oh right, everyone. same as everyone else in every other scene, in every other show.

what else do i hate about these shows? their version of ‘gritty’. motherfuckers will say to me, “dude you’re gonna love true blood because it’s basically a porno/horror show, there’s so much gore and wicked sex!” yeah right. it only seems like porn/horror to people who have never actually seen either of those things. i’ve never gotten a single boner or been grossed out by any of these shows. they’re pathetic. if i want truly sadistic, fucked up shit, i’ll stick to antichrist, inland empire, and serbian film. if i want porn, i’ll watch the real thing, forgo all the insipid romance bullshit, and get to the point. i don’t want to waste my time watching a bunch of caressing and passionate kissing, I WANT PENETRATION.

i didn’t let my wife touch my dick for at least 30 minutes after watching antichrist.

but hey, let me go off about another breed of stupid, shitty tv shows: the office and parks and rec. how much longer are loser college kids going to find ‘awkward’ humour funny? i can basically sum up these entire shows in just a few lines.

normal guy: hey dean, have you got that report i asked you to type?
weird guy: i’d tell you but then i’d have to kill you.
[shaky camera zooms in on normal guy, normal guy stares at camera with an “okaaaaayyy, that’s random…” look on his face.]

ta-da! that’s it. another variation is that rather than be the aggressive weird type, the weird guy is overweight and hapless and does something that’s supposed to be cute, like dump a bag of skittles into his mouth and spill them all over the place in response to the question. hahahahaha! that’s so funny!

no, it’s not. it’s not funny at all. it’s goddamned stupid, and all the goddamned stupid college kids LOVE it.

what’s even worse is how the critics rave about all of the shows i just bitched about. they have convinced themselves that these shows really are good, and they’re convincing everyone else to watch them too. either the critics are the same fucking boneheads that actually watch that trash on a daily basis, or they live in fear of losing their jobs if they say a bad word about anything. professional critics are spineless mutant dickheads.

and that’s why i just keep watching twin peaks over and over. wait, that’s not true. i think 30 rock, arrested development, and family guy are really good. i’m also 6 episodes into hannibal and it’s ok so far too.

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4 thoughts on “mindless fucking shit tv

  1. Arrested Development – yes. 30 rock – yes. I only sometimes watch Family Guy and I’ve seen some Twin Peaks, but I’m not as dedicated a fan of those two.
    HOWEVER:
    I also watch Game of Thrones (I’m a fantasy nerd and loved the books so I was curious to see what HBO did with what are arguably Mr. G.R.R. Martin’s masterworks. That said, there aren’t surprise plot twists or anything in the show for me, but it’s kindof a fun, alternate way to experience the story again)

    I tried to watch Breaking Bad and kept giving up. Not my thing. I’m not a big fan of most dramatic television, and I didn’t find this riveting in the slightest.

    True Blood is another series where I’d read all the books (although the show starting picking/choosing and WILDLY departing from Charlaine Harris’s narrative somewhere around season 2) but I’m not as big a fan of these books. Harmless surface entertainment (the books and the show) where I spent the whole time wishing Sookie would die…haha.

    Orange is the New Black is new to me — just started watching this recently. I think it’s kinda funny, and I enjoyed what Jenji Kohan did with Weeds, so I’m going to continue giving it a shot for at least a while. Sidebar: Russ doesn’t like watching it while we’re eating dinner. He’s stated this clearly. Ha!

    The Walking Dead: BLAH. As a big B-and-C (and D?) movie fan, horror movie fan, zombie movie fan etc I think I can sum this up pretty quickly — there’s a reason they’re zombie MOVIES and not multi-season tv shows.

    Sons of Anarchy: Russ & I watch this. I liked the first few seasons the best, because I liked how this was character driven and I liked the casting/actors etc (which is probably what keeps me watching even as it has descended into ridiculousness) – this is a ‘dramatic’ series that I actually like somewhat.

    I have no idea what Shameless is.

    I like The Office (British and American) and Parks & Rec — so there. I also watch SNL, occasionally re-watch Freaks & Geeks and Clone High, and get my reality TV series’ fix via: Project Runway, Face Off, Survivor and occasionally The Amazing Race

    I suggest you check out It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Archer (both several seasons deep and both on FX) if you haven’t already. Because what better way to end a long-winded comment on an “I hate TV” blog post than with a couple of TV show recommendations, right!???

  2. i actually like the british version of the office a lot. it’s ACTUALLY awkward, not the silly north american version of awkward. gervais is a fucking funny dude. i stopped watching snl around 93 or 94 and haven’t looked back. i hate will ferrel, he’s a one-trick pony and i hate his trick. chris farley was a one-trick pony i adored. i was actually sad when he died. i like it’s always sunny in philadelpia too, danny devito fucking slays me in that show. i think it’s his best work yet, actually. never heard of archer, will look it up.

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