some pals have wondered recently if by giving up facebook and eventually starting this blog, i simply replaced one with the other. my answer is an emphatic “how dare you! philistine!” ok, not that strong, but still a no.
facebook was a vampire for me. i would spend fucking hours on it reading about the most inane shit, then go get a drink of water or take a piss before going to do some real work or whatever. but then i would feel another strong urge to check my facebook just once more before i did anything else, just in case. in case of what, i have no idea. i guess that’s the addiction aspect of it. it doesn’t make any sense, i was just simply obsessed with it. it was a hopeless, endless loop of checking facebook. talk about a fucking waste of time.
conversely, i don’t think about my blog often. just when i come across something and think, “i need to bitch about that.” and i feel more like i own this space. while it is public, it’s far less public than facebook was so i feel virtually no accountability to anyone with it. maybe that will change when my readership expands beyond 2 views per day but for now, it still just feels like a sort of diary to me, and i don’t feel much obligation to be politically correct, or even correct at all — if it feels good or makes me laugh, i run with it.
and, oddly enough, this blog has turned into some kind of creative outlet for me. i wouldn’t say i like writing, but maybe i do. i like writing journals whenever i go traveling, and i like emailing daily bullshit with bill, and now i like this blog, so i guess i do like writing more than i knew.
that’s another great thing about this blog right there! self exploration. writing this crap down makes me ponder stuff further than i otherwise would, and i often wind up realizing things that i wasn’t previously aware of. like what a consistently cynical, negative prick i can be. jk, i’m well aware of that, and fully embrace it, obv. i like bitching.
back to the creative outlet thing. when i read back through my old posts, i generally like them a lot. i laugh at some of them, and that feels good. it’s actually pretty similar to how i feel about my sort-of current band, regulator: most of my pre-regulator music was pretty awful. i tried too hard to make serious, meaningful art. then with regulator, i learned to relax, not really set any bar of acceptability, and just do whatever felt good. once i did that, i wound up coming up with what i consider to be both low and high art: low because it’s base and simple, but high because i manage to channel the most important aspects of art — honesty and joy — and those elements make my crappy regulator music far better than any of the ‘serious’ music i previously wrote. and that’s how i feel about this blog. i don’t think about it much, i just start typing whatever feels good at the time and am usually pretty happy with the results.
and you can bet your nuts i didn’t get any of these great feelings of joy and artistic satisfaction from facebook.
here is my aforementioned band, regulator. it’s a stupid godawful racket but i love it.