stick some shit in your ear

jenn and i have been in kauai for the last week, swimming and snorkeling lots. it’s been lovely except yesterday i started experiencing pain in my left ear. i’ve had a few ear infections from teaching swim lessons way back when so i recognized this one right away. if i were back home in canada, i would just pick up some polysporin antibiotic ear drops. they work like a charm.

it was a little uncomfortable by this time and jenn was having difficulty nibbling my ear lobes without vomiting from the smell.

unfortunately, all i could find at the pharmacy here in kauai was a bunch of homeopathic bullshit. thanks but no thanks. i’ll leave the candles and warmed olive oil to the hippies. i looked online and found that polysporin ear drops are not available in the US. that’s fucking stupid but somehow i’m not surprised.

so i started looking up home remedies because i’m not going to pay a $300 travel insurance deductible to go to a walk-in clinic here, just for a little old ear infection. all the home remedies were junk though, just more of the hippie dippy bullshit. finally, i tried the first, simplest, most obvious idea that came to me: get a bunch of polysporin on a q-tip and stick that in my ear.

now, if you search the internet about q-tips, you’re going to find a lot of panicky idiots saying that q-tips can pierce your brain, q-tips can give make you deaf, q-tips can kill you. well, you could choke on a q-tip or get constipated by one if you tried to swallow it sideways or jam it up your asshole but i like to think that i have enough common sense to sidestep that sort of unpleasantness so i’m not too worried about doing too much damage. i went ahead and stuck a cotton swap covered in polysporin in my ear.

guess what, i’m paralyzed now. just kidding. my ear pain has completely disappeared after three treatments. so there’s my hot tip for everyone: if you’re in the US or some other third world country that doesn’t have cheap, commonly used medical and first aid items like ear drops readily available, just find some other way to get the shit in your ear, and your brain and eardrums be damned.

“thanks, q-tips!”


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