a new years eve discussion over the definition of enema gets heated.

on new years eve, i had a discussion about enemas with some people. one guy was a dickhead. here’s the story.

rem had an oblong hematite stone that looked sort of like the dark crystal from the aptly titled film, ‘the dark crystal.’

rem’s crystal.

don’t ask why rem keeps such a stone on him at all times. ok, i’ll tell you. he said he found it on the ground somewhere and thought it looked cool, and that he likes to use it as a power play when asked a question by someone he wants to intimidate. for example, if someone is like “hey rem, can i borrow 15 bucks to gas up my pinto?” rem will pause for a moment, stroke his beard, place this mysterious stone on a table, and spin it. the stone will spin for about 20-30 seconds. during this time rem will not speak or break hard eye contact. once the stone stops spinning, he will place his open hand over it and respond with the quiet confidence of a man who truly knows himself and the extent of his powers, “no.” i’m making up the stuff about using it as a power play but he does like to spin the thing. he also said it was magnetic, which he liked a lot too.

anyway, this little rock became the topic of conversation for a while and rem called it an enema. i was like, “what?” to which rem responded, “it’s an enema. you can stick it up your ass.” i said hold on, i don’t think you’re using the right term here. an enema is the act of washing your colon out with water. you can stick this rock up your ass but that would make it a butt plug, not an enema. we both acknowledged we could be wrong since neither of us had ever looked up the definition of enema to see if it means more than one thing, and i began to take a poll of whether people considered this stone an enema. among those polled was my erudite pal, liz, who exhibited the same confusion as me and echoed my sentiments.

now here’s where this story gets stupid. there was a guy kneeling on the floor by the stereo who overheard me ask liz about the enema stone. he looked a lot like this guy (who, btw, defrauded numerous investors of $65 million) but with a goatee.

an even bigger dick than the guy i met.

this clean cut swedish-looking man looked up at me humourlessly and said, “yes, it’s an enema.” both liz and i started doubting ourselves and asked if he was sure. without any hint of friendly discussion, irony, or a smile, he repeated his position on the topic. i said, “ok, i’ll take your opinion into account,” and started to walk away. he continued staring at me and said, “that’s not my opinion. that is the truth. that stone is an enema.” it was a weird, way too serious, alpha male response to a goofy party convo, and it was getting awkward. i said something like, “gotcha,” he repeated that his opinion was not merely an opinion and that nothing more on the topic needed to be said. at that point i got tired of spending my new years eve having an argument about enemas with a conceited wannabe alpha male so i politely told him i didn’t give a flying fuck what he thought and walked off to continue the convo with friends in the lighthearted fashion it deserved.

i just remembered this whole convo this morning so i looked up the definition of enema. here’s what i found.

en•e•ma (ĕnˈə-mə)

  • n. The injection of liquid into the rectum through the anus for cleansing, for stimulating evacuation of the bowels, or for other therapeutic or diagnostic purposes.
  • n. The fluid so injected.

so go fuck yourself, conceited, humourless, anonymous swedish-looking jackoff. you’re a weird dude who isn’t much fun to party with.

rem, on the other hand, was a fantastic dude to party with. rem and that damned stone. fond memories.


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