“whole alternatives” is a whole lot of bullshit. so are big film awards.

fuck these guys

i haven’t had popcorn in years and have been watching lots of crappy stephen king flicks with dana recently so i decided to pick some popcorn up. there was all the usual big name stuff but then i saw some stuff with “USDA CERTIFIED ORGANIC” and “GMO FREE” writing on it, and it was on sale for less than the big name stuff. i like organic shit and think monsanto is an entity of pure evil that cannot be trusted (although GMO’s themselves may have some place in the world) so i gave this upstart popcorn a shot.

but it sucks, and that sucks.

the god damn stuff didn’t pop worth a shit. after the instructed time in the microwave, less than half the bag had popped. it tasted fine but i felt ripped off that i got such a paltry amount of popcorn. i didn’t lose my shit over it though, i just thought, “maybe that was a bad bag,” and dana and i continued watching the first episode of the 1997 made-for-tv version of ‘the shining’ (which was awful).

then last night i tried to watch an old jack nicholson film, ‘the passenger.’ it earned some awards back in its day but it sucked. i turned it off halfway through, so boring. you know what i’ve learned? basically, if a film gets academy awards or anything like that, it’s a guaranteed piece of shit. for instance, the whole motivation of nicholson’s character in ‘the passenger’ was unclear from the start. he stole a dead man’s identity but i wasn’t sure why until i read the story online afterward. that’s dumb. shit should be clear, unless it’s an abstract art film. then nicholson met a young girl and she asked who he is. he said he used to be someone else but traded him in. then he asked the girl what she’s doing and she replied that she’s talking to a man who might be someone else. this was not delivered in an abstract, interesting way. it was delivered like two normal strangers just talking, even though what they said was far too unlikely, too implausible, to be a casual conversation. and that pissed me off.

dialogue like that is so fucking pretentiously artsy in the lamest, most flaccid way possible. it’s the sort of shit that gives wannabe art losers boners. it’s for the sort of turds who watch the academy awards and think that they really matter. that’s the sort of people who would say “wow, what great dialogue.” suck my dick. it’s not good dialogue, it’s smug and simpering. it’s shit.

the sort of idiot that thinks limp, unrealistic, vaguely mysterious and romantic dialogue is clever and intriguing.

now think about all the amazing films that didn’t clean up at any awards — akira, eraserhead, the exorcist, mad max, the shining, eyes wide shut, edward scissorhands, bladerunner, batman (the michael keaton/jack nicholson one), polyester, the tenant, repulsion, blah blah blah. i could go on. i think all those flicks are a lot more interesting, more multidimensional, more thought-provoking than anything the academy awards has ever gushed over. my point is that any movie that has any edge to it, any aesthetic other than soft, benign, unobjectionable, any film that is not palatable for mass consumption in some way, is overlooked by the major awards. major awards are just a way for a bunch of phony fucking industry types to pat each other on the back and get drunk on champagne. it’s a sickening thing.

ANYWAY. so i was watching that lousy fucking film and i thought, “maybe some popcorn will make this bearable.” i threw a bag of organic, GMO-free popcorn in the microwave for 3 minutes, like the directions said. and by the end of it, nothing had popped. nothing. the bag was as flat as when i put it in. i had never encountered such a faulty bag of popcorn before so i didn’t know what do do. i put it in for another 3 minutes and the stuff popped intermittently but by the end, the bag looked pretty full. i shook it, opened it, and found once again that less than half of the stuff had popped. i thought, “fuck,” and ate it because it was getting late and i needed to get through this god damn movie. i was left with a half-full bowl of popcorn kernels staring at me, mocking me, reminding me of my wasted $4. so i put a plate over the bowl and put them back in the microwave for 4 more minutes. by the end of that, most of them appeared popped. i tried one and it was bland as all hell. that was it, i gave up. i threw the shitty popcorn out, turned off the stupid fucking movie, and went to bed.

it was a bad night. i considered it.

do you know what really pisses me off about the popcorn? not my wasted $4. i can suck that up. what pisses me off is that other people who may be on the fence about supporting organic and GMO-free stuff might try this popcorn, have the same shitty experience as me, and say “holy fuck, organic stuff sucks. i’m just going to stick with cheetos and their chemicals and unsustainable palm oil farming practices.” i’m worried about this crappy ‘whole alternatives’ brand giving organic, GMO-free food a bad rap.

so i went to their website, which is so terrible that it looks like a fake site. i clicked on ‘contact us’ and expected to see an online comment/complain form, but nope. just a phone #. that’s ridiculous since no one talks on the phone anymore. but i called anyway, and guess what. wrong #. it went to some lady’s voice mail who does not appear to have any connection to ‘whole alternatives’ whatsoever. so i’m not sure how i’m supposed to complain to them.

don’t buy this junk. or better yet, find a way to contact them and give them shit. i sure as hell can’t.

and that’s how i wound up here, bitching at great length about my terrible popcorn and film experiences of last night.

first world problems.

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6 thoughts on ““whole alternatives” is a whole lot of bullshit. so are big film awards.

  1. HI DAVID,

    As a movie fan and a frighteningly annoying know-it-all, I think your not-quite-sweeping generalization of “amazing films that didn’t clean up at any awards” is a little teensy bit off — you say the movies you listed were overlooked by the major awards (I assume you mean the Oscars, Golden Globes etc — although you could make a case for the BAFTAs, SAG Awards and some of the major film fests being ‘major’ too) – but several of them won or were nominated. For example: The Exorcist, Batman, Eyes Wide Shut, Edward Scissorhands and Bladerunner were all represented at the Oscars & the Golden Globes (by represented I mean they were either nominated or won (or both) in at least one category at either/both awards). Some of the movies you listed weren’t released widely enough here (USA etc) at the time — like Akira & Mad Max — but were nominated for things like Japanese or Australian film awards. And I think all of the movies you listed (I’m unfamiliar with a couple of them, sorry) also won or were nominated in various awards that are more genre-specific (which I assume is part of your issue with the “big awards”) – thinks like the Sci-Fi/Fantasy, Horror, etc awards, specialty film festivals, and so forth.

    I think a lot of films that aren’t “palatable for mass consumption in some way” are nominated for Oscars & GGs all the time…but that’s because some of the SERIOUS nominated films are bound to be seen as esoteric or boring by a large quantity of the population. I see your point, but I think you’re flailing a little bit…in a fun way. Actually, I think the Academy sorta saw your point too, when they changed the best picture category to include up to 10 films…they realized they were losing the masses with their over-academic snob-nominating. No awards show will ever perfectly represent what everyone likes best; for example, if awards were doled out based even slightly on box office, look at 2014 — the top 10 films lean HEAVILY towards superhero/sci-fi/fantasy and while none of them were nominated for best picture (and quite rightly in my opinion), 6 of them were nominated for other academy awards.

    LONG LIVE MOVIES! ENTERTAIN ME!

    P.S. Have you seen What We Do in the Shadows yet? It’s a mockumentary out of New Zealand and is in my top 5 movies of 2014…hilarious and loved it!

    1. just watched the trailer, one or two parts were ok but the rest doesn’t do it for me. i like zero comedy in my horror. i hated shaun of the dead. i felt like it was an insult to the true zombie legends, like the original night of the walking dead. and i don’t even like zombie movies much. i actually loathe this whole ‘zombies are hip’ trend. i guess that’s probably not much of a surprise.

      1. It’s not a horror movie, it’s a comedy!
        (and no, not a surprise)

        P.S. “two hoots”, “exalted opinion”…ha. you crack me up David.

  2. i know that a lot of the good films i mentioned were nominated or even won one or two awards. the ones i’m bitching about are the darlings of the awards, the ones that are nominated in every single category that get people gushing like idiots. like titantic, for example. and i don’t count the smaller and especially genre-specific awards because it’s the giant awards that have the worst taste in flimsy, ridiculously mysterious, ridiculously romantic films.

    i don’t give two hoots if the majority of people agree with the big awards decisions and would think that the films i dig are esoteric. in my exalted opinion, most people are philistines.

    however, i always love your thoughts on whatever, kyla. even if your taste in movies is utter rubbish! never heard of what we do in the shadows, will look it up now.

      1. dana just told me about birdman, i’m up for checking it out. i have a soft spot for michael keaton.

        i don’t like comedies much, either. unless it’s leslie neilsen slapstick stuff or jackass, those are hilarious.

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