this recipe is annoying

a friend sent me this recipe because i love to bake but i haven’t gotten to making these tasty-looking flourless peanut butter chocolate chip mini blender muffins. why have i been putting off such a tasty thing? two reasons. first, the recipe calls for garbage peanut butter, like JIF or whatever, the stuff that is basically all icing sugar and added oil, and i don’t have that stuff. i like the natural stuff, even though it’s a pain in the ass to stir the shit up. second, every time i look at the recipe i get in a lather about what a fucking geek the author must be. here are my most hated quotes from it.

  • “The muffins are gluten-free, grain-free, soy-free, dairy-free, oil-free, refined sugar-free, and they clock in at under 100 calories…” i don’t give a fuck about any of that stuff. it’s just hip wannabe health nut lingo. and the author is just plain wrong because the processed peanut butter they’re using is all soybean oil and refined sugar. and counting calories is for wimps.
  • “And for those who don’t like bananas, you’re very safe here and you can hardly taste it. My husband couldn’t taste it until I had him guess what was in the muffins. He answered, ‘peanut butter and chocolate’. Hello Captain Obvious.” saying ‘hello’ or ‘captain obvious’ on their own would be bad enough yet this freak went so far as to combine them. hello, captain typical boring not funny overused sucked-in-the-first-place-but-you-still-think-it’s-clever-years-after-the-fact vernacular.
  • “I used storebought peanut butter and always recommend baking with something like Jif or Skippy because natural and Homemade Peanut Butter tends to be thinner, runnier, and can separate.” natural peanut butter is also bought at the fucking store so ‘store-bought peanut butter’ is a dumb thing to call the processed stuff. call your garbage peanut butter what it is: white trash candy masquerading as a ‘healthy choice.’
  • “One trick to make your muffins really shine is to sprinkle a few extra chips on the top of each muffin before baking for a nice visual pop.” ‘really shine,’ ‘nice visual pop…’ i think anyone who says those things about their muffins needs to get a fucking life. maybe start a blog where you bitch about other people and their annoying writing.
  • “Part of the appeal of this recipe is the mini size. Mini food is just so pop-able. Just ask my husband who popped down 4 in 60 seconds.” ‘pop-able,’ that’s another one that makes me cringe. oh, but haha! her husband scarfed 4 mini-muffins in a minute! oh haha, that’s good for a belly laugh!! well as long as her man is happy, that’s all that counts right?? gotta keep the big guy well-fed so he can keep bringing home the bacon!! i have a very clear picture of the author and their family in my head, and i hate them intensely.
  • “Muffins freeze beautifully and you can keep a stash in the freezer to toss into lunches or for an easy snack when your peanut butter and chocolate cravings hit.” just toss ’em into the lunches, gals! easy breezy! and oh boy, peanut butter and chocolate cravings, i know what you’re talking about!!!! umm, does anyone ever not have peanut butter and chocolate cravings??? hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!
  • “At under 100 calories, have a few.” hey, thanks for giving me license to do whatever the fuck i want. now i don’t feel so guilty.

on top of all the that, the webpage for the recipe is about a mile long because the author just keeps on blabbing on about her husband and ‘pop-able’ and posting countless pics of the fucking things. christ, they must be really proud of those muffins. has the author not accomplished anything else recently, is this their their big achievement? baking muffins for their fucking husband and kids? holy shit, what a life that would be. just cut to the fucking chase and give me the god damned recipe, you ninny.

after writing all that, i still don’t feel like making these fucking things.

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