time makes monsters of us all/why i can’t be a parent yet

the other day, i saw a really nice, cute little kid. good kids are always heart-warming. they’re like puppies or kittens in that way. but every time i see nice kids, i can’t help but worry about the horrible person they will likely become, or at least the poor choices that they, just like most of us, will inevitably make in their lives: driving drunk, fighting, getting addicted to substances, becoming selfish and intolerant and unkind, being a bum, blah blah blah. it’s part of the reason i can’t have kids yet. i just can’t stop obsessing about the myriad impending disappointments my own progeny would bestow upon me. i would want them to always be my innocent, wide-eyed, unspoiled child, and never the annoying adult fuck up i wish would stop calling me for money.

i knew one young woman from an apparently good home who recently died of a drug overdose. she had been battling her addictions for quite some time but lost in the end. i can’t imagine being her parents and going through her pregnancy, birth, infancy, toddler-hood, school, swim lessons, soccer practices, and coming of age, only to have her turn into a drug- and alcohol-fueled monster that eventually self-destructs. i would be so disappointed in myself, wondering if i could have done something differently to prevent that end, and in her for not having the strength to avoid or at least work through her addictions. and i don’t think it would be fair to do that, to have a child without being able to say to them, “i will always love you, no matter what kind of a horrible failure you turn out to be.” i’m not ready to put all that time, love, effort, and money into a person i may not ultimately be able to accept.

maybe i should try to not be such a heartless rigid prick. but you know, i feel great about my life and don’t want to change anything at this point, so it doesn’t really make sense to go making profound personal changes. maybe i just feel alienated because other people are confident enough to take the gamble of raising a potential hellion — i guess i just wish other people were as pessimistic about humanity as i am.

joshua-heldreth-md

“that’s my boy. [disappointed sigh]”

i’m a peach.

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