today i was thinking about what it would feel like to have a brain tumor and take a long time to die, feeling like shit for months or years on end before finally croaking. it would suck bad enough to be in pain or feel sick all the time, and it would surely be depressing to witness your own slow, miserable decline, but i think i would also find insult to injury in that i would be depressed that i was depressed. i’d like to say that i would be mentally strong enough to stay as positive as someone in that situation could, but i think i would more likely be as much of a cantankerous, insufferable wreck as the next horribly sick dying person. and that would be really disappointing in itself — i would hate myself for not being able to stop inadvertently pushing away everyone who is trying to help or comfort me, i would hate my lack of grace under difficult circumstances. that would only make a bad situation worse but it’s the curse of human self awareness. you’ll never see a dog wrestling with such existential crises.
fingers crossed that i die quick, and if i die slow, that i stay sane and find ways to yuk it up until i finally blink out.
just another tuesday.