malcontent

as part of my job, i had to step inside a church today during sunday worship (or whatever it’s called). when i left, i looked at the sports cars and SUV’s in the parking lot and wondered how religious people reconcile their beliefs with daily life. i mean, what do they think god’s position is on the vehicles they choose to drive? if i were religious, i would imagine i’d feel even more compelled to live humbly. i feel guilty about the enormous consumption and waste involved in almost everything i do, and think i’d feel even worse about that if i believed in a god watching me, shaking their head in disappointment at my wasteful lifestyle.

then i started thinking about how basically everything bums me out. i see cars, i think of the environmental destruction involved in mining the metals and shit used to make the car. then i think about the extraction and refining of the gas and oil which that car is going to need to run. then i think about the pollution it spews out when it gets driven. same with food. i think about the toxic chemicals and pesticides used to grow food, the shitty ‘use once and throw away’ plastic packaging that everything comes in, all the uneaten food that ends up in the fucking garbage. everything humans do seems to be like that. we’re horrible, greedy, wasteful vermin, just using this planet up as fast as we like, dashing madly, heedlessly, towards a cataclysmic climax. i constantly think about this.

then i remembered what a friend told me about a therapist they saw a while back. my pal said they moaned about a bunch of stuff to this therapist, and the therapist said, “you know what that is? that’s the voice of depression talking.” and that helped my pal. but while i thought, “my inner dialogue sure sounds like the voice of depression talking,” i don’t feel any better about it.

the problem is, i think my concerns are real and valid. i think our situation on earth really is that bad, so i don’t want to delude myself with the idea that everything is just fine when i truly believe it’s not.

so what do i do? i think it’s right to feel like fucking shit about virtually everything i do but it’s not very pleasant for me or anyone that has to deal with me. as much as i think everyone should be just as fucked up about this as i am, i don’t want to be a person that everyone hates seeing because everything i say is doom and gloom. i don’t want to be a caricature, an eeyore.

it’s a fucking tough balance to be miserable yet pleasant but i’m not sure there’s a better way. i guess i just need to re-read some of my old blog posts and cheer the fuck up.

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