talking to no one

yesterday, i was at a store standing behind some dreadlocked rodent of a male, about 30 yrs old. he was talking to the rodent female that was with him. it seemed like they liked each other but were not a couple yet, judging by how he tried to impress her with his big talk. it was embarrassing to witness.

something he was doing that particularly bothered me was role-playing a conversation between himself (him playing the confident, in-control tough guy) and a hypothetical dirtbag trying to steal his shit. this one man conversation went like this.

i’m gonna put a tracking device on it so that if it someone takes it, i can go get it back. i’ll be like, hey you’ve got my thing. they’ll be like, no, this is mine.

(his normal voice) it’s got a tracking device on it.

(dirtbag voice) oh i didn’t steal it, i just found it.

(normal voice) well, i’ve come to take it back.

(dirtbag voice) maybe we should get the authorities.

(normal voice) the authorities are already here, bud.

his would-be girlfriend was pretty impressed. he really showed that imaginary thief who’s boss.

and i was like, “yeah right buddy! you’re full of shit!” no, of course i didn’t say that. i just stewed a few aisles away, trying not to hear any more of the idiot’s drivel.

that imaginary conversation was particularly horrible, but i hear similar things all the time. a more common “i’m tough and in charge” fake convo technique i notice a lot is when people recount conversations inaccurately to make themselves look like they really schooled the other person. for example, in a real conversation you might say to someone, with no trace of attitude in your voice, “huh, i didn’t know that,” but when you tell your friends about it later, your version is, “and i was like, fuck that, there’s no fucking way!”

that’s a pretty obvious misrepresentation of how the conversation actually went down.

another common fake convo, and the one i hate the most, is when a person telling you a story about what they want to say to another person talks to you as if you’re that other person, and they’re really laying into you/that other person. for example, say you and i are driving in my pinto to pick up some humpty dumpty chips.


hop in the pinto boys, it’s humpty dumpty time

on the drive, i say, “if mike tried that with me, i’d say, look mike, you’re being a fucking imbecile right now and i’ve had it. none of us even like you so i don’t know what you’re even doing here. that’s honestly what i’d say to him. i’d be like, you’re a fucking disgrace man, seriously. get over it.

it’s really easy to talk like that when you imagine confronting people but in real life, it rarely goes down like that. and when it does go down like that, the people who are that confrontational are generally thought of as douchebags and aggro hot heads. they suck, and people pretending like they are aggro hot heads are just embarrassing. if people want to talk about that kind of stuff, i wish they’d at least stay in the first person, like “i’d like to tell mike he’s being an imbecile, that i’ve had it, that none of us like him, and that he’s a disgrace.” that’s still fairly aggro but at least they wouldn’t be getting fired up at their friend in the car, pretending they’re mike. we all just want to get some humpty dumpty’s and have a nice night, you know?

so i’m like, you douchebags need to grow up! (i shout into the vast emptiness of the internet, impressing no one)


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