my funeral

the other day, i was thinking about the generic shit people say whenever anyone dies. it could be a violent gang member, a lazy freeloader, or some degenerate who never grew up, never moved out of their parent’s basement. no matter how undeserving the person is, the speeches at the funeral and the obituary in the paper consistently state stuff like, “he was the kindest person, and would do anything to put a smile on your face,” or “he was so generous, he’d give you the shirt off his back.” blah blah blah. that stuff is typical, and a pack of lies. i hate it.

first off, when i die, i don’t want a funeral, wake, celebration of life, whatever. i hate them. when people i care about die, there are a lot of complex, intimate, personal feelings i need to work through on my own, when it feels right. i think that funerals try to force that process, and publicly, and i don’t like that so i don’t want to force anyone else through it. other people are free to have all the funerals they like but i don’t want anyone sitting through one on my account.

secondly, if anyone decides to throw a funeral or write an obituary for me despite my wishes otherwise, i hope they can be honest about who i was. let’s not kid ourselves. i think i’ve got a sufficient amount of good qualities so there’s no need to bullshit anyone with hyperbole about my heroic kindness and mild, gentle nature. people should be able to come up with a few nice things to say without lying through their teeth.

but since jenn and i aren’t having kids, i probably won’t have to worry about any of this. about half our friends will probably already be dead by the time i croak, and the rest will be too old and infirm to attend any funerals, so i don’t think there will be much hubbub when i go.

suits me fine.


“we are gathered here today…ah, fuck it.”


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