…and i feel weird. i don’t know what’s up but i’ve felt like this over the entire holidays. nothing has been bad though. this last month has actually been great, with a trip to hawaii full of amazing, memorable moments, and lots of good times with friends and family. yet throughout all of that, i’ve felt some kind of vague uneasiness. it feels like i’m not quite depressed but right on the brink of it, like it’s just hanging around the outskirts of my mind.
what’s worse and totally counter-productive is that this makes me feel guilty. i feel guilty that i seem to not appreciate the wonderful things i’ve been lucky enough to experience lately, even though i DO appreciate that stuff. i’m sure that, in the future, i’ll look back on this month very fondly: beautiful hawaiian sunsets, sneaking into the posh resort’s hot tub at night, finding baby tortoises, expansive views of hawaiian islands, dancing with pals to my fave retro tunes at festivus, relaxed xmas dinners with mine and jenn’s families, casual get togethers with pals — and tonight, new years eve at drew’s party in vic.
for the most part i feel pretty good about all of that, but i’ve also been quietly dwelling on a lot of the little negative details about all these things. the heat in hawaii was tough for me to deal with, some pals didn’t make it to festivus, our friends are all split up doing different things tonight…these are the kinds of minuscule things that have been bothering me lately.
i definitely worry about losing touch with old friends due to physical distance, gradual changes in our respective values, horrible choices in significant others, that sort of thing. but that’s not new. i think about that stuff a bit normally and it doesn’t usually bother me much, so i don’t know why it’s lurking about in my mind so much and having a greater effect on me lately. same with the heat in hawaii. fuck, i can deal with heat without getting stressed about it normally.
so i don’t think i have any good reason to be on the verge of feeling depressed. i wonder if there’s some physical/chemical reason for it, like my body is not producing enough serotonin or something lately. who knows?
and what can i do about it?
nothing really, except keep living like usual and wait so see if i feel normal again soon.