for a few moments, i found myself wanting kids.

i recently had my dad over to help me with some yard work. he came in afterwards and also gave me a hand when he showed me how to refill the kerosene lamp my mother just gave me. once we were done with the lamp, i put it back on top of the cabinet and marveled at how the old lamp from my mom sat between the metal sculpture my maternal grandmother made in university and the shillelagh that originally belonged to my maternal great, great grandfather.


this is what a shillelagh is, for all the uneducated clods out there. it’s an old irish walking/fighting stick made from blackthorn. pretty neat.

then i realized that all three of those items were from my mom’s side of the family, and i felt shitty that i didn’t have anything from my dad’s side.

then i remembered that the cabinet that all that crap sits atop was given to me by my dad, and it used to be a part of his father’s house in victoria (back when they built cabinets into houses way back when). i laughed and felt better.

but you know, all that thinking about family and heritage quietly stoked some awful, primordial instinct in me — an instinct to pass this cool shit on to my own progeny…



a day or two later, i woke up with a feeling of longing for my own child. i must have had a dream about it because of how strongly i felt it. you know how the overall vibe of an especially powerful dream can sometimes permeate waking life.

so it’s been weird. i don’t think i’ve ever felt this urge to have kids, and if i have, it certainly hasn’t been this strong. i’m confident it’s just a phase that will pass but it’s still an odd, unsettling thing to feel when i’ve otherwise felt so happy and confident in my choice to lead a childless life.

don’t get any ideas though. i’m not flip flopping here because of a few trinkets in my living room and a dream i don’t even remember having. as soon as i start feeling wistful about kids, i close my eyes and picture myself changing diapers, struggling through sleepless nights, having less time for everything else in life i love, paying $50,000 for my kid to go to rehab at age 28, etc. that works pretty well for quelling any urge to make a little version of jenn and myself.


oh yes, very cute now. but just you wait…


…for this. not so cute anymore.


One thought on “for a few moments, i found myself wanting kids.

  1. I am really passionate about this topic!
    some of the most influential and inspiring adults in my life have been people without biological children- probably because they had more energy and time for me! I am also a better childcare provider because I don’t have my own kids yet and have time to research and reflect on approaches and ideas and activities. I think there are many ways to “pass down” characteristics or material possessions to future generations and engaging in the act of procreation doesn’t actually guarantee a fulfilment of succession. I think conscious and intentional participation in a child’s life can also have a big (bigger? More positive? )impact in some cases. Supporting their parents, showing up, helping out, remembering birthdays, taking them on adventures, listening, teaching them your skills, being there for them, etc can be fulfilling for all involved and you might be the one they call instead of doing drugs when they are in a fight with their parents therefore halting their “inevitable” descent into 50,000 dollar rehab. Our nuclear family dominant social organization structures are relatively new and will not always be the norm. I don’t see it being beneficial to kids or their parents or our futures in regards to a creating a safer more loving society. So if you are feeling the urge you can make connections and keep them! As to my personal situation I have always wanted kids and so has C but we understand it as being a completely selfish choice and knowingly chose it. The worst is when people make decisions like having kids based on a biological urge or because it seems like that is what they should do next without really thinking about it.

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