99.9% of the scents people put on their bodies are fucking gross

i hate how most cologne, perfume, body spray, deodorant, etc smells. i don’t care if it’s for grandmas or jersey shore-type douchebags or pretty girls, it virtually all sucks. there is only one time i remember smelling someone who put on a scent that actually made me go, “wow, that smells nice.” i was 19 at the time, it was my girlfriend, and she was wearing something that smelled like apples. it was a pleasant, recognizable scent, and it seems like a fitting one for a pretty girl. it just makes sense.

what doesn’t make sense is every other smell people put on. it all smells like a weird mix of chemicals, like a combination of pine needles and windex. that’s what most “nice stuff” smells like to me. it’s shit.

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“you smell good tonight, honey. what’s that scent you’re wearing?”

the exception, of course, is patchouli, which i despise only slightly less than all the chemical stuff i’m talking about. that stuff smells musty, like fucking mothballs, and it always reminds me of people who want to be considered hippies. that stuff sucks too.

i have always wondered why there aren’t perfumes and deodorants for smells and tastes i enjoy — like chocolate, or vanilla, or black licorice. or like i just mentioned, apples! why in 37 years have i only noticed one person smelling like apples? or any other fucking fruit, gee whiz. watermelon, strawberries, oranges, those would all be fantastic. i’d love to get close to a girl and smell any one of those things.

but for all this bitching, i have to admit i’ve recently come across a few deodorants that i actually like the smell of. one was an old spice deodorant called ‘amber’ that smells like black currants so i was using that but only until my lovely friend golda sent me some natural deodorants THAT DON’T MAKE ME STINK WORSE THAN USUAL (most natural stuff tends to have that effect, i’ve found), and they actually smell good too. my fave of the lot smells like blackberries. the brand is called routine (what a horrible name for any product but i can forgive it because i like the stuff so much) and i highly recommend them for people who don’t want to smear heavy metals in their armpits each day, and also want to smell like something real, recognizable, and pleasing — instead of smelling like a fancy household cleaning agent.

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