tide pens are actually pretty incredible

i hate writing about commercial stuff on here because i’m generally opposed to consumerism and the wasteful production of more junk we don’t need. but every now and then i come across an item that actually does what it claims it will do, and i’m so shocked and impressed that i have to scream from the mountaintops about it. this blog with a semi-regular readership of three being my mountaintop, that is.

the item i’m creating needless suspense for is…the tide to go pen.


ta da! oooohhh, aaaaahhh.

i always assumed these things were useless pieces of shit that couldn’t remove any stain at all, and only appealed to lazy white trash pricks who couldn’t be bothered to actually wash their clothes to get them clean. then last summer i got a grease stain on my very expensive, ethically-made suit — shit. even worse, the wedding we were at was in the middle of a giant park with no running water and we were camping there for four days. i knew it appeared hopeless but i had to do something so i tried cleaning the stain with a damp sponge — no luck. then i tried again but with a little bit of dish soap. still nothing. i had to wait several more days till we got home, at which point i tried a tide pen. to my amazement, it worked — the 4 day old grease stain was gone.

being a skeptic though, i figured it must have been a fluke, or possibly the power of my positive mind manifesting itself. fast forward to a few days ago when i noticed the new, very adult, non-camouflage pants i just bought…


as i approach 40, i’m trying to no longer dress the same way i did as a teenager…BUT I CAN’T HELP STILL LOVING THIS SHIT!!!!!

…suddenly had a mysterious grease stain on the ass. good lord, was i peeved. i sprayed the spot with the usual old stain remover i use at home, let it sit for 10 minutes like the instructions say, and washed and dried the adult pants…but the stain remained. i was dumbstruck. i just paid a lot of money for these fucking things and i rarely buy anything new so this was a big deal to me.

grasping madly for a last ditch solution, i remembered the tide pen. sure, it says it works best on fresh stains but what did i have to lose? as it stood, these pants were on the verge of becoming very expensive yard work clothing so i gave the tide pen a shot. guess what — stain gone. i can still scarcely believe it.

two positive experiences does not a miracle product make but it’s a heck of a start. i’m so impressed that i will be keeping a tide pen handy for the rest of my days, and i recommend it for anyone who is equally crestfallen over unsightly stains on their new, grownup, camo-free clothes.


don’t expect to see me dressing like a hipster millenial dickhead, though.


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