the other night, i woke up at 3 am and couldn’t get back to sleep. my mind was whirling, stressed about the details of multiple things i have going on right now — inspections on the garage we’re currently building, laika’s recovery from her ACL injury, some banking charges that i’m disputing, the EI money i still haven’t received yet, the misfits cover band i’m trying to get off the ground, my ongoing back issues, the travel trailer i have gutted and am renovating, the logistics of a wedding and camping trip we are going to in strathcona starting this weekend, the logistics of another trip up to sointula the weekend following…i think i have a lot going on right now but i certainly don’t feel overwhelmed by it.
at least, not during waking hours.
but come the middle of a sleepless night, all these things seem so much bigger, worse, insidious, and then they are definitely overwhelming. i’ve talked with other people about it and they have experienced the same thing. it’s a strange phenomenon. why are we so feeble at night? why do we all turn into children then?
i remember being a kid and being scared at night, and thinking about how brave my dad was because he didn’t seem to be scared of the dark at all. he would get up in the middle of the night and go to the bathroom or come see why i was calling for him like it was nobody’s business. and he sure didn’t seem stressed about stuff then. i wondered if i would ever be as brave as him. but the truth of the matter is that i just couldn’t read his mind very well, as he has since told me he was actually very stressed about his own shit (like being a single father to two kids), and quite possibly even a little scared of things that go bump in the night — i remember him telling me quite seriously to never bring home pet sematary from the video store so i think he had his own nightmarish fears.
so now here i am, approaching 40 and in the same boat as my father and just about every other human being on the planet: afraid of the dark, in some form or another.