i want everyone and everything that has been a part of my life to know how much i appreciate their role in it

tonight i was on a run when i got a song by testament stuck in my head. i don’t like the song now, it was just something i was into when i was in junior high and have long since outgrown. i haven’t even thought about it in many years. anyway, the song reminded me of being 14, my first girlfriend, and how i felt in general back then. there have been so many poignant feelings throughout my life that i still remember vividly, and testament and my first girlfriend were certainly the catalysts for a lot of those feelings when i was 14. while i no longer have any love for or interest in testament or that girlfriend, i can absolutely appreciate how they influenced me then, and how those influences reverberate through my life even now. for that influence, i am grateful beyond words. i piss and moan more than the average dimwit but i’m actually remarkably content, often even overflowing with love for the world, the universe, life, death, and everything else. and when i overflow with joy, i have to acknowledge that i could not have reached this wondrous moment without all of the experiences that have lead me to now.

i wish i could reach out to everyone that has influenced me and let them know how grateful i am to them.

maybe i already am though.

in love with the loveless, in tune with the tuneless, yet again. it’s a thing lately.


the social value of the slideshow

46fb85a362233890c6f8c69c7f50d9c5lately i’ve been thinking about slideshow parties a lot. when i was a kid, my dad had a whole bunch of slides like the ones in the pic, and i found them fascinating. they were just tiny translucent versions of regular photographs my dad had taken but they were in hard little frames, and you had to put them in a slide projector to show them to people. it seemed like a really cumbersome system to me but i liked it a lot anyway. i don’t think my dad ever showed his slides to anyone, at least not that i can remember, but i looked through them sometimes, holding them up to the light and squinting to make out the tiny image.

i think that the idea behind slides was to have a bunch of people over and show them pics from your latest vacation or whatever, have a little slideshow party with your friends. just like how people used to show their 8mm film on projectors in the 50’s or 60’s, like a scene from the wonder years.


in that sense, i still think slideshow parties are a swell group activity. when i think about friends going on vacations, i want them to invite the gang over for a slideshow of their pics once they get home. i wouldn’t even mind the fact we would all be using computers and digital photos. there’s just something about getting together with friends and showing photos and chatting about our adventures that i think is really warm and old-fashioned.

i know with most people posting their shit on facebook and instagram now, it might seem pointless and inconvenient to bother with slideshow parties but i think the social aspect is invaluable, especially as we get older and find it harder to meet up with friends. i want to keep finding reasons to get together, hang out, and spend quality time with pals.

ben, i’m looking at you right now.

‘the florida project’ sucks

yesterday i saw someone’s ‘best films of 2017’ list and the florida project was on it. the list didn’t give too much away about what the story of film (which i like — i hate knowing too much going into a movie and creating expectations for it) so jenn and i watched it last night. i thought it sucked. but guess what, i read afterward that everyone is cumming in their pants about it, hailing it as great piece of cinema. well, nuts to that.


“a bunch of random people have given it lots of stars so it MUST be good”

let me first give praise where praise is due though: willem dafoe is fucking fantastic in this film. that man is a god damned professional. when he acts, you don’t know he’s acting. it feels real and organic — that’s what a good actor should do. so my hat’s off to him. bria vinaite was pretty convincing as well.

aaaaaand that’s about it. the kids came off as kids being directed to act like kids. yeah i know, they’re just kids, what can i expect? listen, i’m not trying to tear them down. i think that most children will naturally have a limited capacity for acting due to their lack of understanding of the craft. considering that, you can’t expect top notch performances from them, so i don’t hold it against them. i’m just saying that part of the nature of most child actors is sub-par acting. it’s not their fault, that’s simply the nature of the beast, but it does have an impact on the films they’re in. so let’s be honest and as critical of the kids and the overall film as we would any other actors or film: their acting wasn’t believable and that detracted from the rest of the film.

moving on: mela murder, aka halley’s friend ashley, was absolutely horrible. every time she spoke, it sounded like she was learning how to read and was practicing doing it out loud. she was that stiff and unnatural in her delivery. 0/10.


the LA times called murder’s performance “underappreciated,” “raw,” and “perfectly endearing.” i guess those must be the new industry buzz words for “terrible,” “film-destroying,” and “reminiscent of my grade 3 xmas pageant performance.”

something that particularly bothered me: the scene near the end when child protection services shows up to take moonee away was complete bullshit. i’m sick of totally unrealistic depictions of professionals as being completely inept and bumbling. people whose job is to remove kids from bad circumstances understand the gravity of their work. they anticipate and are prepared for the difficult scenes they encounter. they have extensive training in that particular field. they have a fucking clue what they’re doing. they don’t stand around like buffoons while situations escalate to a fever pitch, and they sure as hell don’t helplessly watch as the kids in their care just run off down the street to god knows where. that scene was insulting to the audience, and to people who work in that profession.

the story was shitty too. ‘film spends almost 2 hours showing kids entertaining themselves over the summer and illustrating what trash the mom is, kid gets taken away by CPS.’ it’s weird because there was enough coherent stuff going on that some of the film had a normal, linear story, but there was just as much stuff that was random and seemingly unimportant or unrelated to anything else (like bobby’s son getting angry with him while moving shit into the elevator) which made the film seem more like a character sketch of the hotel and its various inhabitants. these two approaches felt disparate to me, unfocused. maybe that was the director’s intent. don’t know, don’t care. i thought it sucked.

but i get the feeling that one idea the director really wanted the audience to think about with this film was the dual nature of halley: “she’s such a despicable piece of shit…but she truly loves her daughter.” i think that’s a really annoying and pretentious devil’s advocate position to take. why not make a film about hitler’s softer side? i know, that’s a bit of a stretch, but it illustrates my point — a film about hitler’s softer side is a dumb, offensive idea. similarly, suggesting people be more understanding of neglectful parents who do lifelong damage to their kids, intentional or otherwise, is also a dumb, offensive idea.

to sum the florida project up: unfocused; lots of terrible acting; pretentious; preachy. just another piece of shit (dafoe and vinaite’s performances notwithstanding) being lauded by the sycophants and phony industry twits.

business as usual in the entertainment world.


no one can live up to my expectations.

today i sold my dear 1990 4wd corolla wagon.


i loved that car. i had wanted one since i was a teenager, when i noticed the one my friend’s mom owned. i thought it looked like a space ship. i finally found this one 5 years ago, bought it sight unseen, and have adored it since. but i recently reached a point where i needed something slightly bigger and found a suitable replacement, so i had to say goodbye to the corolla.

i received many emails from prospective buyers so i decided to give it to the person who sounded the nicest, the person who i thought would give it the best new home and not beat the shit out of it. that person wound up being a french canadian surfer who lives half of the year out here on the coast. i imagined them carrying surfboards around on it, sleeping in the back, using the car gently and lovingly until it finally rusted away.

then i met the buyer and realized my vision of them was fairly far from the mark. yes, they were a french canadian surfer who used the terms “chill” and “sick,” but they themselves were not as chill and sick as i had pictured them. they were a little nervous and anxious, totally unfamiliar with cars, uninterested in the mountain of spare parts i had amassed that came with the car, and very disorganized. don’t get me wrong, they were very nice and i liked this person just fine, but i found myself wondering what kind of life i was selling my beloved corolla into: will this person change the oil diligently? will they shift gears gently, especially when the transmission is cold? will they drive slowly on rough roads?

the likely answer to those questions is “probably not.” it’s likely that wonderful old car will be reduced to scrap within two years. that bothers me, and i know it shouldn’t.

i shouldn’t care about what happens to a car after it’s no longer mine, and more importantly, i shouldn’t have such unrealistic expectations of total strangers. currently, i basically only want to sell cars to my clones, people who are maniacs about keeping old cars on the road forever and in good working order. that’s absurd and i know it so i don’t know why i keep feeling that way.

it would be easier if i never had to meet or interact with the buyers. if the car was just gone one day and i had the money for it, that would be lovely. but that also wouldn’t address the underlying problem, and that’s what i want to do because this is just one small example of expecting too much from people, and i know it do it a lot. it sucks being disappointed by people but i think it’s worse when you know you’re actually the problem and not them. it’s something about myself i have been aware of for a long time but have only had marginal success correcting.

how to get better at this?

sell a lot more cars until i get used to the idea that not everyone is like me, i suppose. i don’t know.

au revoir, corolla. you were awesome, and still are. shine on.


yay, death

i don’t get why humans are always trying to save every other human on the planet. we act like people are rare and precious, like we couldn’t spare a few of the 8 billion or so of us that are already running amok here. old people near the ends of their lives, chronically and acutely ill people, people with devastating lifelong disabilities, people who don’t want to live and/or have a virtual deathwish, people who can’t be bothered to help themselves in the first place, people who have committed atrocious crimes — the list goes on. if any of those people are in a bad way and someone with the means come across them, you know that poor sap is getting their ass saved. we’re hellbent on keeping everyone alive for as long as possible.

i think it’s crazy. i think there are far too many people on the planet as is so we should be glad for them and for ourselves to let the sick, the weak, the dying et al. be at peace. i understand that every living thing has a strong will to not die but that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily the right thing — i don’t think that’s a fair justification for saving every sad wretch on this planet.

as someone in a stephen king story once said: sometimes dead is better.


in love with the loveless. in tune with the tuneless.

for some time now, maybe 6 months or so, i’ve been feeling hyper emotional. and only in a good way too — i’ve been more touched by nice things than usual, but i have not screamed at jenn and then sobbed when she leaves a dirty dish in the sink. it’s pretty great.

i think it has to do with how much i’ve been thinking about the whole ‘we are stardust’ thing. incidentally, there must be a better name for this idea. that idea being we and everything we know is made of particles that have been recycled for aeons, which means you and i and everything else is, at some tiny level, comprised of things that have been other people, animals, plants, mountains, stars, clouds, planets, etc. i think it’s fascinating.

from there, it’s easy to start asking yourself all kinds of crazy philosophical questions. like, if we are all made from the same stuff, does that make all humans brethren in some way? does it makes us brethren with everything in the world, the cosmos? does it make us all one extended being? if that’s the case, what does it mean when we can’t get along with other people or the world around us? it really gets me thinking.

but regardless of where my imagination wanders with this train of thought, i always end up feeling far more connected to vast, incredible things, and i like that feeling. it’s a feeling of contentment, belonging — i want to use the word joy but don’t like its connotations of smiling idiocy. when i use that word, i mean it in a more serene, collected way. so there it is — yes, even joy.

and that feeling usually reminds me of an old divine comedy song where neil hannon describes a young ballerina being “in love with the loveless, in tune with the tuneless.” i don’t know what he means with that line but i know that for me, it captures the way that i feel when i am hit by those waves of contentment, belonging, and even…ugh…




far too often in writing lately, i see people using two dots as some sort of perverse punctuation. like this message i just received from some idiot on plentyoffish:

Hey, how’s it going..wanna chat or grab a coffee sometime..

wtf are those two dots supposed to mean? is it an ending to a sentence that the author fucked up? is it an ellipses the author fucked up? is it supposed to be something else, like a hybrid of the two? or is it just a dumb mistake that some people consistently make, some sort of vile, pointless bad habit?

it doesn’t really matter what the two dots mean because i hate all of the possibilities. just another dipshit trend i’ll never understand.