further annoying recounting of strange dreams

i had a very strange dream last night.

i dreamed i was on the phone with my investment guy, greg. i hadn’t meant to call him, i had mis-dialed but i was too embarrassed to admit it. so there i was, telling him about the first serious crush i ever had on a girl in grade 5. he was all ears. i told him her name was diane lamoureux and she had been a year older than me. i could hear his fingers clicking away on a computer keyboard, and a second later, he told me that it looked like she was now single and living in powell river. greg noted that with my band playing all over vancouver island and the sunshine coast (for the record, i haven’t played in a touring band for 10 years and have never played a show on the sunshine coast but i guess that was a subplot to the dream that was never expanded upon), it was quite plausible that i could meet up with her there at some point in the near future. suddenly i was no longer embarrassed for calling greg about this since he was so quick and helpful about it. he emailed me a clever, albeit lengthy, video diane had made for an online dating site, and i couldn’t believe how stunning she had turned out — she actually looked nothing like the skinny 11-yr old i had been so enamoured with back in 1990. go figure. she now looked like the titular character from the late 90’s/early 2000’s tv show, felicity, but with the most piercing and beautiful light blue eyes.

fleicity

diane, you’ve changed.

suddenly, there i was in powell river, except powell river was more like the set of degrassi junior high or beverly hills 90210. it was comprised of basically just a single street that housed everything necessary for filming a show. i walked into the diner where all the cool kids hung out, bumped into diane, and tried to play it cool with a quick “oh hello, crazy seeing you here.” i went outside and everything was tinted an apocalyptic orange colour, like the world was on fire. a voice boomed over loudspeakers on the tiny town/film set, saying something like “seek cover or be incinerated by purifying ray of the eye of horath” — i think my mind meant the eye of horus but got it wrong, which is kind of funny.

horus-eye-udjat-egyptian-symbol-tattoo1

the purifying eye of horus, you dummy

all the powell river inhabitants in the know calmly walked inside the closest establishment, chatting away with each other like nothing was up. i was ignorant so i just backed myself right up against a small water tower. then a thin red laser, like the kind emitted from the sight of a sniper rifle, began appearing from unknown origins. it would appear, arc slowly for a second or two across a surface while scorching it, disappear, and then reappear elsewhere in the town. i realized, “whoah, this is serious.” right then, i sensed it had found me so i jumped as high as i could so that it would fire at me at the same point that i started coming down from my jump. ingenious. it was just a normal jump, like two feet high, max. pretty pathetic but it worked. the laser came from the sky and only grazed my white t-shirt before i was out of its way. i fell to my side on the ground to get as far away from it as i could and watched it slowly burn the water tower as it crept toward me on a slight arc before it suddenly disappeared and started doing its thing elsewhere in the tiny town. my shirt had just a small black burn mark on it, like tetsuo in akira when kaneda’s laser rifle runs out of juice. i thought, “what’s the big deal about this stupid laser? i should have been instantly vaporized but all i got was this cigarette burn on my shirt.”

that’s the last thing i remember about the dream, although i think i just got up and continued walking through town, contemplating my next move for how i could casually bump into ol’ diane again.

i have no idea where most of this one comes from. i was thinking about my kindergarten class picture a few days ago, and whenever i think of diane i picture her from our split grade 5/6 class picture. seems like a bit of a stretch but that’s all i can think of for that. for powell river, we talked a bit about savory island last night and that’s near powell river, so i think that’s that. no idea why greg, my financial guy, was in there, and no idea about the laser, or the reference to the eye of horus in particular. i didn’t even know i was aware of the term, ‘eye of horus.’ i’ve been slowly reading a national geographic article on king akhenaten so that must be where the egyptian aspect came from but it hasn’t mentioned the eye of horus at all so that’s a very strange one.

time to look up diane and see what she really looks like now.

fuck! i can’t find anything! she must be hiding from the eye of horath.

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mindless fucking shit tv

there are a lot of terrible fucking tv shows on these days, and everyone seems to be eating them up. game of thrones, breaking bad, true blood, orange is the new black, the walking dead, sons of anarchy, shameless, etc. they’re all crap. i don’t care how many people like them or how many ass-sucking critics rave about them, they’re trash. want to know why? because they’re all the exact same — predictable soap operas with a ‘gritty’ veneer.

that about sums it up.

i’ve watched more than i care to admit of each of those series (my wife loves trashy tv so i end up seeing or listening to a lot of it) and they all fall into the same typical trappings. love triangles, love betrayals, unrequited love, blah blah blah. throw some zombies or white trash living in with it and you’ve got a hit new series. i think it’s because college fuckheads these days like to think their tastes are really different from their parents, like they need grittier tv shows that they can relate to. i guess they don’t realize that they’re actually watching dallas or beverly hills 90210, just with vampires instead of rich texans or rich kids.

let me give an example. i heard a lot about breaking bad in particular and how i was really going to go nuts for it. it was fine…for a little bit. then they got to the standard heartfelt moment bullshit that i saw coming from a mile away: jesse starting dating some girl but it wasn’t going very well and he was really upset. then one day him and walter were working away making meth when walter asked jesse how things were with the girl. jesse responded with both hostility and vulnerability, “what do you care, old man?” the scenes illustrated that despite being a super bad, stupid kid who makes meth, jesse actually has real feelings. WHOAH. we also see that walt is actually starting to care about jesse. DOUBLE WHOAH. and guess what, we also see that jesse sees walt as some sort of father figure. WOW!!! this show really has it all. i mean, it’s so gritty and harsh but at the same time, we have these really real characters, people that i can totally relate to. now i know that even people who make meth are real people, just like me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this scene did a fantastic job of illustrating how MULTI-LAYERED and REAL jesse is. pfffffft fuck you

that’s fucking bullshit. it’s stupid and i predicted it all happening, and if i can predict where a show is going, there’s no need for me to watch it. these shows are all the same fucking turd, all polished up, and totally redundant.

similarly, i hate all the predictable double crosses that occur at the end of each and every goddamned scene. i get so sick of some queen or lord saying saying to some young scamp, “yes, i think we can help you…for a price. but we’ll discuss that later.” and then the scene ends showing either the queen or lord with a devious smile on their face, or the scamp with a look of terror on theirs because you just know that now they’re eventually going to have to betray their lover or sibling or best friend or fucking WHATEVER. snore.

oh, it’s so TENSE! who is he fucking over NOW? oh right, everyone. same as everyone else in every other scene, in every other show.

what else do i hate about these shows? their version of ‘gritty’. motherfuckers will say to me, “dude you’re gonna love true blood because it’s basically a porno/horror show, there’s so much gore and wicked sex!” yeah right. it only seems like porn/horror to people who have never actually seen either of those things. i’ve never gotten a single boner or been grossed out by any of these shows. they’re pathetic. if i want truly sadistic, fucked up shit, i’ll stick to antichrist, inland empire, and serbian film. if i want porn, i’ll watch the real thing, forgo all the insipid romance bullshit, and get to the point. i don’t want to waste my time watching a bunch of caressing and passionate kissing, I WANT PENETRATION.

i didn’t let my wife touch my dick for at least 30 minutes after watching antichrist.

but hey, let me go off about another breed of stupid, shitty tv shows: the office and parks and rec. how much longer are loser college kids going to find ‘awkward’ humour funny? i can basically sum up these entire shows in just a few lines.

normal guy: hey dean, have you got that report i asked you to type?
weird guy: i’d tell you but then i’d have to kill you.
[shaky camera zooms in on normal guy, normal guy stares at camera with an “okaaaaayyy, that’s random…” look on his face.]

ta-da! that’s it. another variation is that rather than be the aggressive weird type, the weird guy is overweight and hapless and does something that’s supposed to be cute, like dump a bag of skittles into his mouth and spill them all over the place in response to the question. hahahahaha! that’s so funny!

no, it’s not. it’s not funny at all. it’s goddamned stupid, and all the goddamned stupid college kids LOVE it.

what’s even worse is how the critics rave about all of the shows i just bitched about. they have convinced themselves that these shows really are good, and they’re convincing everyone else to watch them too. either the critics are the same fucking boneheads that actually watch that trash on a daily basis, or they live in fear of losing their jobs if they say a bad word about anything. professional critics are spineless mutant dickheads.

and that’s why i just keep watching twin peaks over and over. wait, that’s not true. i think 30 rock, arrested development, and family guy are really good. i’m also 6 episodes into hannibal and it’s ok so far too.