today i was thinking about how every time we allow someone into our lives and let ourselves care dearly for them, we sign up for yet another horrible, crushing loss when that person dies. because unless you die first, you’re going to see every one of those people you care about die slowly from cancer, mangled in the twisted wreck of a car against a telephone pole, lingering in a hospital bed with alzheimer’s, dead in a casket at their funeral…the list goes on. there are so many awful possibilities, and one of them is absolutely going to come to fruition.
and if you die first, of course, you’ll avoid that heartache and sense of loss yourself but will inflict it on those people you care about. it’s really a lose/lose situation.
i feel like we delude ourselves into believing everything will be fine forever, or we at least try to put stuff like this out of our minds so that we can keep enjoying today, and i don’t like that approach. what i’m saying is legit, and i want to be prepared for the things i know are bound to happen. i don’t want to be a basket case when finally confronted with something as assured as death. i’m sure i’ll still be a bit of one regardless of how much thought i give it beforehand but if i can save myself any grief at all by considering this kind of thing now when it doesn’t make me a sobbing mess, then why not? i think it makes sense.
coincidentally, i had a dream last night that jenn and i died at the same time. we were in hawaii and hurricane winds were whipping around and trees were exploding into flame for no reason. we were standing outside in the midst of this chaos, watching in terror and awe, when i saw a huge tree come crashing down towards us. it landed on us and everything went black. and that was that.
we should only be so lucky.