A tale of cat turds and extra sensory perception

Last night, it was snowing like a bastard so I went outside and moved my car to make it easier to get out when I left for work this morning. I cleared the snow off the car, hopped in, and started it up. Then I smelled the strong, pungent, unmistakable stench of shit in my car, like I had stepped in it and brought the foul stuff into the vehicle with me. But, strangely enough, I hadn’t. There was no shit anywhere. Not on my boots, not in my car, not anywhere I had walked in the snow. I shrugged and put it out of my mind, and finished what I was doing.

I went back inside the house a minute or so later to find Jenn coming down the stairs, holding our cat as far away from herself as she could, proclaiming that he had just shat in our bed, and was continuing to shit as she carried him outside. That’s right, the cat shit in our bed. He’s an old barn cat named Masuku who has always loved to come inside whenever we allow it, and Jenn thought we should bring him in last night on account of the inclement weather. But I guess it’s been so long since he’s been inside that he has forgotten what is expected of him there, and Jenn said she walked into our bedroom to see him squatting right in the middle of all our blankets, confidently releasing his bowels into our most intimate of spaces. It wasn’t like he was terrified and spraying diarrhea; no, these were fully-formed solid turds he was depositing, and continued to deposit as Jenn rushed down the stairs with him.

That will be the last time Masuku is ever allowed in the house. He really went out in a blaze of glory. Much manic cleaning ensued.

That’s a gross little story in itself but for me, the most fascinating aspect of this debacle is that I inexplicably smelled shit in my car right around the moment Masuku shat in my bed. How strange. I was just saying to someone recently that there was a period in my life a few years ago where I experienced several strange coincidences that really made me go, “whoah, this is spooky.” I wrote about some of those things here and here. I’ve gone a long time without experiencing anything spooky so as much as I want to puke at the memory of our damn cat shitting in our bed and down the stairs, I have to be grateful for — and try to focus on — the cool, mysterious experience related to it.


Huh. Apparently it’s a thing. How about that.


“causes of chronic [diarrhea]”

i’ve noticed for a while that when i start typing something into an online search engine, the stuff it suggests to automatically finish my sentence is usually pretty funny. just now i was looking up causes of chronic tight muscles but once i got to chronic, the first suggestion was diarrhea. call me a 6 yr old but that still managed to drag a smirk out of my dusty, cracked visage.



it’s actually pretty rare i don’t enjoy the suggestions. even the most general start to a search, like “what do” comes up with “what do bonobos look like,” “what do bed bugs look like,” “what do turtles eat.” i simply can’t imagine that many people wondering about bonobos or turtle diets so those ones are surprising, and picturing nervous white trash anxiously trying to determine what sort of infestation they are dealing with cracks me up.

similarly, typing in just “does” brings up “does god exist,” “does UPS deliver on saturdays,” “does coolsculpting work,” (i’ve never heard of coolsculpting and have no idea what it is) and “does he like me quiz” — all amusing questions that tell me a lot about the general public and just what is on the mind of the average plebe.

it’s nice when something so simple and common is pleasing. it’s a refreshing change of pace and reprieve from the usual melancholy and disappointment.


that’s enough fun. back to the misery.

the lowest, and the common denominator.

last night at work sucked shit. i hated everyone i dealt with and thought they were almost universally scum. but today, i realized that such clientele at work is not unusual, and dealing with them doesn’t usually affect me so much. so i was forced to recognize that i was the common denominator, and thus the likely problem — not them. that’s ok, i was running on zero sleep and had a painful load of diarrhea percolating deep within my rotten bowels all night so i can forgive myself one shift of greater moodiness than usual.

similarly, i had recently been contemplating writing a blog post about a co-worker who was telling me about their other job and how he/she has had problems with numerous co-workers over there. they described to me how lazy, stupid, inattentive, petty, argumentative, childish, etc everyone else at that job was. conversely, my co-worker seemed to think they had it all figured out. while they were telling me this, i thought, you’re the common denominator among all these tales of bullshit. you’re probably the real problem.

so i thought it was funny that just when i was about to rail on this complainer, i did the same dumb thing without realizing it until well after the fact.

i don’t feel too bad about it though. i maintain that the people i was dealing with sucked, and i think anyone battling diarrhea and zero sleep would be just as irritable as i was. i did ok considering the circumstances. i’m not gonna beat myself up over it. just live and learn, that’s all.

public toilet diarrhea

the other day, i was using a public bathroom when a guy came rushing in, jumped on the toilet, and unleashed all hell on the unsuspecting thing. the sounds and smells were horrible. to make it worse, i noticed that when he unrolled toilet paper to wipe his ass, he unrolled a bunch onto the floor before bunching it up to put it to use. that really grossed me out. i know assholes aren’t the cleanest part of our bodies but i don’t like the idea of exposing them to whatever filth is congregating on the bathroom floor by means of cross-contamination.

good old type o has me covered for full-on anus visuals.

but what particularly struck me is that this scene is not uncommon in public bathrooms. i’d say that at least 50% of the time i use public bathrooms, i hear someone punishing their toilet with a violent liquid bowel movement, and that makes me wonder: does everyone have diarrhea, all the time? it sure seems like it, unless all those people just get really nervous every time they have to use a public bathroom. or maybe there are even more brutal alcoholics running around than i already suspect.

whatever. the point is, it’s gross, and it happens a lot, and i think it’s weird because i sure don’t have diarrhea that often. am i the weird one? maybe i should join the crowd and get diarrhea more regularly.


i don’t know where this is from i think it’s pretty funny. fecal matter has never been so cute.


one is not enough

some couples are really insular. i don’t like it because it’s annoying, but i also think it’s super weird and unhealthy.

people in insular relationships are crazy. btw, free charlie manson! let the poor bastard go!

here’s an example. i used to know a guy who didn’t have much of a social life, just spent most of his time with his wife and kids. he mentioned a few times how he his wife was his only friend and that was all he needed. he always talked positively about her. they would visit each other while working all the time. they were pretty much inseparable.

then he cheated on her and left her for the other woman.

in all honesty, i thought the guy’s insular behaviour with his wife was really strange right from the get-go, especially the “i don’t need any other friends” comment. to me, that sounded like someone trying to convince themselves, not me. so when i found out that he had left her, i wasn’t surprised. i mean, how sustainable is it to only have one person in your life? his life must have been lacking so much in so many areas for so long because of his self-imposed social exile. who else could he talk to about interests she didn’t share, about their marital troubles, or even just for a change of pace? no one. he totally set his marriage up for failure.

i just remembered another thing that was a red flag to me. one of this guy’s sons was engaged to a long-term girlfriend when out of nowhere, she left him. within a few months, the son had moved in with a new girl. then he bought her a car. he was really jumping in head first. so i said to the dad that i think it’s unhealthy to jump from one serious relationship to the next. i said that it’s too easy to keep repeating patterns from the last relationship in the new one. it can create a false feeling of closeness due to the familiarity of the routine, or bad relationship habits (like bottling emotions so as not to upset the partner) can continue from one relationship to the next, that sort of thing. i told this guy that i think people should spend a good amount of time alone between serious relationships to bring themselves back to neutral, so they can become reacquainted with themselves and what they are like when they are not trying to keep someone else happy. this guy said he thought i was onto something and wondered if he was a long-term relationship addict himself. he said he had only been in a few relationships, and they were all serious, and they were all back-to-back. i guess he really did have some unresolved issues.

beyond all that serious stuff, it’s just really lame when couples will only come out as a couple. i hate it where people say stuff like “oh i can’t come out, ted has diarrhea tonight so i want to stay here and support him.” fuck ted and his diarrhea, let him shit his guts out in peace and come have a good time. it’s actually nice to see people without their partners sometimes, most people act differently when on their own so it’s a nice change of pace. i’m obviously not saying “always leave your spouse at home,” i’m saying “it’s ok to leave your spouse at home.”

i’d way rather hang out with old charlie manson than freaks like this.

unless your spouse is a fucking idiot. then you should definitely leave them at home. or dead in a ditch somewhere.