drown in blue stones

last night i dreamed i was a heavyset female college student. i was in my early 20s but dressed like a dowdy, frumpy middle-aged woman — baggy sweater and corduroy pants in earth tones like orange and brown. i was in a house in a city and the downstairs floor was being flooded by small, round, robin’s egg blue stones. i have no idea how they were getting in but they were quickly piling up and i was afraid i was going to drown in/choke on the things. i ran upstairs and some nice guy who i seemed to know (i had the feeling he was my boyfriend) and who looked like my male equivalent helped me to climb out the window, i think. the next thing i knew, i was walking around the streets of this anonymous city. i was now wearing some kind of scarf over my head and face, trying to conceal my identity because i was now afraid of being caught — by who and for what, i have no idea.

that was it. what a weird one. i don’t think i’ve ever been a woman in my dreams before.


so many bad dreams

my mind has been on a real roll lately. two nights ago, i had two nightmares. the first was that jenn and i suddenly realized that our house was actually a very dilapidated, rotten, rat-infested log cabin. i pulled back some blankets that were hanging on the wall and found a massive rats nest full of hay, dust bunnies, and chunks of chewed foam. then i noticed that the logs that made up the walls were so damp and rotted that i could poke my finger right into the wood. i was disgusted, and bewildered as to how we could be so stupid as to have bought a complete piece of shit.

the second nightmare was that jenn and i were up in the arctic with some sort of outdoorsy, expedition-type people. it was dark. then a giant yeti attacked. it was at least 10 ft tall and effortlessly tossed members of our crew around. that’s about as far as that dream got. that one really surprises me because i have zero interest in yetis, bigfoots, or sasquatches, and have never found them remotely scary. i wonder why my mind picked that, and why i suddenly found it frightening.


almost as boring as me recounting my dreams

after those, i was really looking forward to last night’s sleep but it was just as bad. i had a dream that i was getting married to someone — i don’t know who it was but i know it wasn’t jenn — and i had huge misgivings about it. i didn’t want to do it but felt like it was too late to pull the plug. then i noticed that my dick was hanging out of my suit pants. i was so embarrassed. i put it back in but moments later, there it was, out in the breeze again. i couldn’t believe it. i wound up borrowing someone’s spandex bicycling shorts and wore those with my shirt and suit jacket for the rest of the wedding. it looked almost as ridiculous as letting my dick hang out.

then i had another suit-related dream. i dreamed that i got my suit pants back from the dry cleaner but the silver checkered pattern had somehow partially worn off in the cleaning process. my expensive new suit now looked like a total piece of shit. the odd parts were that i wasn’t really that upset even though the suit cost almost $1000, and that in that dream, i thought a dark blue with painted-on silver checkers was an attractive suit.

tonight i’m going to try to direct my dreams in a happier direction before i go to sleep. i want some easy, pleasant adventures now. wish me luck.

everyone you love will break your heart if you don’t break theirs first

today i was thinking about how every time we allow someone into our lives and let ourselves care dearly for them, we sign up for yet another horrible, crushing loss when that person dies. because unless you die first, you’re going to see every one of those people you care about die slowly from cancer, mangled in the twisted wreck of a car against a telephone pole, lingering in a hospital bed with alzheimer’s, dead in a casket at their funeral…the list goes on. there are so many awful possibilities, and one of them is absolutely going to come to fruition.

and if you die first, of course, you’ll avoid that heartache and sense of loss yourself but will inflict it on those people you care about. it’s really a lose/lose situation.


save for the off chance that you and the people that matter to you all die at the same time. that would really be something. i just noticed those coffins are set up in a 69 position. that’s weird.

i feel like we delude ourselves into believing everything will be fine forever, or we at least try to put stuff like this out of our minds so that we can keep enjoying today, and i don’t like that approach. what i’m saying is legit, and i want to be prepared for the things i know are bound to happen. i don’t want to be a basket case when finally confronted with something as assured as death. i’m sure i’ll still be a bit of one regardless of how much thought i give it beforehand but if i can save myself any grief at all by considering this kind of thing now when it doesn’t make me a sobbing mess, then why not? i think it makes sense.

coincidentally, i had a dream last night that jenn and i died at the same time. we were in hawaii and hurricane winds were whipping around and trees were exploding into flame for no reason. we were standing outside in the midst of this chaos, watching in terror and awe, when i saw a huge tree come crashing down towards us. it landed on us and everything went black. and that was that.

we should only be so lucky.

further annoying recounting of strange dreams

i had a very strange dream last night.

i dreamed i was on the phone with my investment guy, greg. i hadn’t meant to call him, i had mis-dialed but i was too embarrassed to admit it. so there i was, telling him about the first serious crush i ever had on a girl in grade 5. he was all ears. i told him her name was diane lamoureux and she had been a year older than me. i could hear his fingers clicking away on a computer keyboard, and a second later, he told me that it looked like she was now single and living in powell river. greg noted that with my band playing all over vancouver island and the sunshine coast (for the record, i haven’t played in a touring band for 10 years and have never played a show on the sunshine coast but i guess that was a subplot to the dream that was never expanded upon), it was quite plausible that i could meet up with her there at some point in the near future. suddenly i was no longer embarrassed for calling greg about this since he was so quick and helpful about it. he emailed me a clever, albeit lengthy, video diane had made for an online dating site, and i couldn’t believe how stunning she had turned out — she actually looked nothing like the skinny 11-yr old i had been so enamoured with back in 1990. go figure. she now looked like the titular character from the late 90’s/early 2000’s tv show, felicity, but with the most piercing and beautiful light blue eyes.


diane, you’ve changed.

suddenly, there i was in powell river, except powell river was more like the set of degrassi junior high or beverly hills 90210. it was comprised of basically just a single street that housed everything necessary for filming a show. i walked into the diner where all the cool kids hung out, bumped into diane, and tried to play it cool with a quick “oh hello, crazy seeing you here.” i went outside and everything was tinted an apocalyptic orange colour, like the world was on fire. a voice boomed over loudspeakers on the tiny town/film set, saying something like “seek cover or be incinerated by purifying ray of the eye of horath” — i think my mind meant the eye of horus but got it wrong, which is kind of funny.


the purifying eye of horus, you dummy

all the powell river inhabitants in the know calmly walked inside the closest establishment, chatting away with each other like nothing was up. i was ignorant so i just backed myself right up against a small water tower. then a thin red laser, like the kind emitted from the sight of a sniper rifle, began appearing from unknown origins. it would appear, arc slowly for a second or two across a surface while scorching it, disappear, and then reappear elsewhere in the town. i realized, “whoah, this is serious.” right then, i sensed it had found me so i jumped as high as i could so that it would fire at me at the same point that i started coming down from my jump. ingenious. it was just a normal jump, like two feet high, max. pretty pathetic but it worked. the laser came from the sky and only grazed my white t-shirt before i was out of its way. i fell to my side on the ground to get as far away from it as i could and watched it slowly burn the water tower as it crept toward me on a slight arc before it suddenly disappeared and started doing its thing elsewhere in the tiny town. my shirt had just a small black burn mark on it, like tetsuo in akira when kaneda’s laser rifle runs out of juice. i thought, “what’s the big deal about this stupid laser? i should have been instantly vaporized but all i got was this cigarette burn on my shirt.”

that’s the last thing i remember about the dream, although i think i just got up and continued walking through town, contemplating my next move for how i could casually bump into ol’ diane again.

i have no idea where most of this one comes from. i was thinking about my kindergarten class picture a few days ago, and whenever i think of diane i picture her from our split grade 5/6 class picture. seems like a bit of a stretch but that’s all i can think of for that. for powell river, we talked a bit about savory island last night and that’s near powell river, so i think that’s that. no idea why greg, my financial guy, was in there, and no idea about the laser, or the reference to the eye of horus in particular. i didn’t even know i was aware of the term, ‘eye of horus.’ i’ve been slowly reading a national geographic article on king akhenaten so that must be where the egyptian aspect came from but it hasn’t mentioned the eye of horus at all so that’s a very strange one.

time to look up diane and see what she really looks like now.

fuck! i can’t find anything! she must be hiding from the eye of horath.

for a few moments, i found myself wanting kids.

i recently had my dad over to help me with some yard work. he came in afterwards and also gave me a hand when he showed me how to refill the kerosene lamp my mother just gave me. once we were done with the lamp, i put it back on top of the cabinet and marveled at how the old lamp from my mom sat between the metal sculpture my maternal grandmother made in university and the shillelagh that originally belonged to my maternal great, great grandfather.


this is what a shillelagh is, for all the uneducated clods out there. it’s an old irish walking/fighting stick made from blackthorn. pretty neat.

then i realized that all three of those items were from my mom’s side of the family, and i felt shitty that i didn’t have anything from my dad’s side.

then i remembered that the cabinet that all that crap sits atop was given to me by my dad, and it used to be a part of his father’s house in victoria (back when they built cabinets into houses way back when). i laughed and felt better.

but you know, all that thinking about family and heritage quietly stoked some awful, primordial instinct in me — an instinct to pass this cool shit on to my own progeny…



a day or two later, i woke up with a feeling of longing for my own child. i must have had a dream about it because of how strongly i felt it. you know how the overall vibe of an especially powerful dream can sometimes permeate waking life.

so it’s been weird. i don’t think i’ve ever felt this urge to have kids, and if i have, it certainly hasn’t been this strong. i’m confident it’s just a phase that will pass but it’s still an odd, unsettling thing to feel when i’ve otherwise felt so happy and confident in my choice to lead a childless life.

don’t get any ideas though. i’m not flip flopping here because of a few trinkets in my living room and a dream i don’t even remember having. as soon as i start feeling wistful about kids, i close my eyes and picture myself changing diapers, struggling through sleepless nights, having less time for everything else in life i love, paying $50,000 for my kid to go to rehab at age 28, etc. that works pretty well for quelling any urge to make a little version of jenn and myself.


oh yes, very cute now. but just you wait…


…for this. not so cute anymore.

more annoying dream stories

jenn hates to hear about my dreams so here’s another one for the blog.

this morning i had a crazy nightmare. i don’t remember how it started but i remember being with two petite, very sexy women when i realized it was a lucid dream. i was like, “wicked,” and started having a threesome with them, basically just having them do typically sexy stuff. it was fantastic.

but all of a sudden, when i was mentally directing one to squeeze her beautiful, naked small breasts, something changed and she looked directly at me with a cold, robot-like stare and asked me where i was. it was an odd and unsettling question. i had a vague understanding that this was her way of saying, “i realize the you that is here is just an avatar and i don’t like your game. i want a meeting with the mind that is behind this facade.”

her eye contact was strange too. it wasn’t just her looking at me in the dream, it was like she was breaking the 4th wall of my dream and staring straight into my mind — she had figured out the situation and was looking behind the curtain at the puppet master. that was the most frightening part. she wasn’t fiery or angry but she was terrifyingly blank, just solely focused achieving her goal of taking control of the situation by any means necessary.

i was very scared by all of this. i was scared for my mind because it felt like some alien presence that i had created now wanted to put a hand mixer to my brain and completely destroy the thing that was enslaving her. i had never experienced any sort of mutiny of my dream subjects before, and here was such an intent one. and after things started so well, jeez.

around this time i heard some kind of a buzzing sound, which i assumed was my cell phone in the waking world. i had left it next to the bed, but i wasn’t sure if that was part of the dream or reality, and i didn’t like being unsure of something else on top of the mess i was already in.

i was surprised and scared by the woman’s rebellion but quickly remembered this was my dream and i could direct it to go any way i wanted. i decided to teach this insubordinate automaton a lesson and attempted to rend her and the other girl to ribbons of meat but was surprised once again when they refused to go quietly, fighting against my mental attack. instead of basically vaporizing like i wanted, they became a howling, twisting, amorphous mass of churning flesh that was struggling to retain their original shapes and compositions. they looked like something out of a cronenberg movie. i was alarmed less by the disgusting visual and more that despite the fact i wanted them gone, they were strong enough to resist me at all. i felt pain in my right foot at this point around and realized they were attempting to do the same thing to me as i was doing to them. i worried, “is this still just the dream? if they defeat me, do i just wake up like normal or will i lose my mind forever and become a vegetable?”

then without explanation, it was all over and i found myself in a peaceful black limbo. it seemed that i won the battle. how anticlimactic, i know, but that’s how it went. anyway, i contemplated what had just happened and was still uneasy about it. i decided to do something fun to lighten my mood, and wound up riding gently down a kind of slip n’ slide on my stomach through a lavish sci-fi pleasure dome resort that was full of pastel pink and blue lights. the night sky was littered with stars. i was still too bothered by the preceding events to fully enjoy the slip n’ slide fun and weird surroundings but it was amazing nonetheless.

i woke up from the dream, thought, “whoah, that was crazy. i need to remember this and write it down,” hence this post. then i remembered the buzzing sound from my dream. i checked my phone and sure enough, it had vibrated when i received a text message 10 minutes before i woke up. it turned out i was too late to join my friend michael for a dog walk but man, what a dream i had instead. it was like my own personal blade runner nightmare.

i like my mind.


uuuggghhh. since i was a kid, this album cover has really bothered me but it seems to fit here.

i forgot that i tried to join the peace corps

this morning, i woke up and took a glance through an issue of national geographic laying around the house. i read (i actually just looked at the pictures and read the captions) about a tribe of primitive people in peru when all of a sudden, i remembered something from 15 years ago that i had completely forgotten about: i used to want to go to africa and do relief work. you know, help build schools, treat sick people, get some running water to a dust bowl village.

first things first: i can be incredibly dense sometimes but i know that peru is not in africa. it was just something about the living conditions in the pics that sparked that old memory.

anyway, this memory blew me away because i had been pretty serious about accomplishing it. for maybe a year, i looked into and applied to a few peace corps-ish groups but alas, i was 21 or so at the time and was too old to be eligible for any of the programs i was interested in.

i was really bummed it hadn’t worked out because i thought it could have been a powerful, positive experience for me. i imagined i would be a better person for it. and i still think that now — my values haven’t changed in that regard. but somehow, the memory of my efforts to make it happen clouded over or had other memories stacked in front of them, and i totally forgot i had tried to actually do it. i think that’s really weird. what if i hadn’t seen those pictures in national geographic today, would i have ever remembered this stuff? i wonder what other relatively recent memories are hiding in my mind.

i sort of wish i was sure and could say i had all of my memories, but then again, if you don’t know you’re missing something you can’t be upset over it, so i guess the missing ones don’t really matter.

ignorance is bliss.

*edit* just moments after writing this, i remembered a part of my dream from this morning which may have helped spark this memory. in my dream, some pals and i were setting up to record music in some weird place. my pal riley was warming up or practicing something he had written recently or something, and it involved some of the most ethereal, fantastic 80’s synth tones, a long sample of the sound of winds blowing across plains, and ri whispering, “africa…africa,” with inimitable gravitas. i’m sure i don’t need to say it but it was fucking sweet as all hell and obviously the most remarkable part of the dream. so maybe that has something to do with my old memory bubbling up to the surface.