it feels good to feel good

for the last week or so, i’ve been feeling really good, really happy, and it’s weird what a vicious cycle feeling good is — being happy about some stuff in my life makes me more appreciative of other things, like friends or good times for example, and being appreciative of those things and feeling lucky (or “blessed,” barf) makes me even happier. it’s like i’ve been on a positivity bender for a week now.

passedout

“WOO!”

and it feels great.

it’s a nice change of pace from my usual disposition, ranging of ‘slightly depressed’ to ‘very depressed.’ and while i feel like i should somehow prepare myself for this all to come to a crashing halt, for the moment the happy things stop occurring, i feel too good right now to worry about it. i know the end will come, the misery will return, and things will go back to normal but i’ll deal with it when it happens. no point in getting bummed out while i’m still feeling so good.

why am i feeling so good, anyway? steph and tony’s wedding, seeing lots of great friends i don’t see very often, the suit i put together looks great, we’re building a garage, we bought property up island, i got five new young hens, one of my adult hens went broody and is now sitting on 8 fertilized eggs i bought for her, i finally set up a micro drip irrigation system for the vegetable garden, the new twin peaks is as weird and fantastic as ever…that sort of stuff.

something else i want to note about this happiness bender: it makes me prone to the sensation of emotions welling up. like, i’ll get a text from a good friend and i’ll almost want to cry because i feel so grateful to have that friend in my life. similarly, if a really killer anti-humanistic song comes on in my car, i shudder with utter contempt and contemplate the of plunging all of reality — people, planets, the entire universe, all of time — into an endless void of nonexistence: a “red surge,” as i recently heard a convicted killer call it, except i associate red with rage and anger so i’d probably describe my welling up of negative and abstract feelings as more of a “black surge.”

anyway, being happy is just making me feel really emotional in general, i suppose. it’s kind of interesting. i like feeling things.

breakup text

today i saw a pal i hadn’t seen in a long time, maybe a year or two. we filled each other in on our juiciest gossip, and she mentioned she had dated a few guys and been dumped by both of them via text. not surprisingly, she wasn’t thrilled about this. most people i know think breakup texts are the height of cowardice, but i actually like them.

here’s why: breakups suck, and if it’s going to happen, i just want to get to the meat and potatoes of the conversation and then have some time to process how i feel about it before we bother delving into it any further. ideally, the text conversation would go something like this:

you: hey i don’t think we should see each other any more. you’re too needy, surly, depressing, covered in fungus, you eat with your mouth open, etc.

me: ok no sweat. i’ll stop by after picking up groceries to kill you later tonight

what more needs to be said? i think both people will be dealing with some complex and conflicting emotions after that exchange so why not mull it over for a few days, and then possibly have a phone or email conversation to talk about the details? i’d rather do that than break up in person at starbucks and bawl my eyes out in front of a bunch of people or have anyone bawl their eyes out in front of me. i don’t want to share those hyper-emotional, tedious, embarrassing moments with anyone.

i also don’t want to have to rub anyone’s back and give them some bullshit pep talk about how it’s not you, it’s me, and i sure as hell don’t want them to do that to me. plus it’s too easy to indulge our emotional selves then and ask pointless questions like why? and say stupid things like i pictured us getting a dog together but i guess that’s never going to happen now. most of that stuff doesn’t need to be said at all, and the stuff that does need to be talked about should be done when you are both able do so without yelling, blubbering, moaning incoherently, etc.

phone call breakups are ok but i have some of the same problems with them as in-person ones. there are still too many opportunities to drag out the breakup conversation and make it more excruciating. at least you can do it from the comfort of your respective homes, and one of you can easily bail on the conversation and hang up at any time if it’s getting too agonizingly tiresome, but i’d still prefer a text or email any day.

i know most people feel like partners “owe it to them” to break up with them face to face, but i don’t understand exactly what is supposedly owed. maybe they want the dumper to have to witness the emotional turmoil they are causing, or to support the dumpee as they wrestle with the things they are feeling. i don’t care about either of those things. breakups generally aren’t done out of spite or malice so i don’t think anyone should feel repentant about hurting the other one’s feelings. supporting the dumpee makes the most sense to me but i still don’t relate to it. if i’m going to sob like a poopie diaper baby, i want to do it alone in the comfort of my damp, sparsely-decorated basement suite, and i wish other people felt that way too. people should be ashamed of their ugly crying faces.

it seems that what this boils down to is that a) i like to be alone during intensely emotional times, and b) i lack sympathy.

i’m fine with both of those.

breaking-up

is this going to take much longer? i told the guys i’d meet them for wings at 6.

emotional premature ejaculation

i was chatting about this recently with a pal so it’s been on my mind. basically, the idea behind emotional premature ejaculation (henceforth referred to as EPE) is that when people get really excited about a new or potential romantic endeavour, they act giddy, unnatural, odd. they wind up coming off as crazy or desperate and that scares many potential mates, and other people, away. i’ve done it myself, and i’ve been scared away by others doing it. it’s a terrible thing to witness but even more so to realize you are doing it.

i think using memes made by other people is a copout but this sums it up as good as i could. no one likes a psycho.

my pal matt first explained the concept of EPE to me. i had just filled him in on a few of my plentyoffish adventures where i had met girls i really liked, who i seemed to have a good rapport with, who had zero interest in a second date with me. i was baffled because i thought the dates had gone really well. we had chatted easily, seemed to have a fair amount in common, i thought i had been pretty ‘on’ as far as being charming and personable goes. but i guess when i was describing these dates to matt, he could see what the girls had probably seen: that i was getting way too worked up over girls i really didn’t know. as soon as he told me about EPE, i thought, “fuck. that’s it. i was way too visibly excited and looked crazy and/or desperate.” i’ve dated people who exhibit EPE and i was rightfully freaked out by them so i could totally understand what the girls i had EPE’d all over had felt about me.

since then, i’ve always maintained a serene aloofness around females that drives them absolutely mad with desire for me. just kidding. but i did learn to relax and be myself around girls i really liked, to control the urges to stare at them wide-eyed, hang on every word they said, and laugh too hard at every joke they made. let me be clear, i’m not saying “act like someone else instead of your foolish self.” i’m saying that EPE makes you act like someone else, and by being aware of it and keeping it in check, you are maintaining your self, and thus putting your best foot forward.

i also believe in a sort of extended mutual EPE, where it lasts for months or even years between two crazed individuals. i know that is intrinsically nonsensical considering the term but i don’t care. the symptoms are the same so in my book, it applies. anyway, i think most young lovers are guilty of extended mutual EPE because when you are inexperienced with sex and romance and your crotch is tingling with anticipation (bbaaaaaaarrrrrfffffffff, thrilled and disgusted i wrote that), you don’t use your brain. you just want to fuck and touch and be immersed in this other person who you share these wonderful, exciting, intimate things with. every goodbye is a 10-minute makeout session, you’re banging every free moment, you talk about each other incessantly to anyone who listens, you are in constant contact when apart…in short, it’s every high school relationship and it’s fucking disgusting to everyone who has to bear witness to it.

but adults are prone to extended mutual EPE too, and i think it’s sadder to see because i feel like adults should know better than to put all their eggs in one person-basket, to neglect their friends, to naively believe that the head-over-heels joy they are experiencing will last forever. it’s fine to embrace it while it lasts but i hope that adults can temper it so they aren’t so fucking annoying to their friends and, more importantly, so they can be aware of the inevitable end of a prolonged EPE so they aren’t disillusioned when the honeymoon ends and they either break up or trade the exciting sheen and boundless sexuality of a new relationship for the quiet trust, safety, and comfort of an old one.

i think the best defense anyone can take against EPE, prolonged or otherwise, is to try to be self aware, and when we notice ourselves doing something nuts, we need to stop, figure out why we are being crazy, and then fix that. easier said than done but what else can you do? keep acting all smarmy and cutesy and cuddly and gross and obsessed with the object of your affections in front of me? no thanks.

never do this in front of me unless you both want to get stabbed