please let the sun burn out

So far, we’ve had a cool, overcast June in the Cowichan Valley. And while we had a few stupid hot days and virtually zero rain in May, a lot of that month was cool too.

Thank heavens. Every year, the summer weather seems to start earlier and last for longer, the forest fires grow larger and do more damage, and droughts become more severe. I find summer to be the most frightening, depressing season because of this stuff. Every time we have another hot, sunny day, all I can think about is my escape plan in the event a forest fire forces us out of our home, and I wonder if our water is going to run out this year. For the last few years, the city has been trucking water in to fill our reservoir so if not for that, our taps already would have run dry. It’s alarming as all hell.

And yet, my co-workers all clamour for the hot weather. Just yesterday, one was moaning that it’s too cold, we need some hot sun. I thought, “are you insane? Would you really trade water in your taps and a home safe from a raging fire for a fucking tan?” I can’t understand it.

In these bleak and grim times, the prelude to mankind’s downfall, I take solace in the small victories that postpone the terror and chaos for at least one more day. If I can finish my life without having to witness that shit, I’ll die a happy camper. Let the sun worshippers battle to the death over the last drops of filthy, polluted water after I’m gone. I’ll happily take grey skies from here on out.

The_Wretched

Great tans, though.

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road rage is bullshit

i was just reading about a woman in edmonton who honked at a car stopped in the middle of the road and drove around it, only to have that car follow her home. there, the driver got out and attacked the woman with a crowbar. both her arms were broken so police imagine the attacker was swinging for her head, and she had her arms up to defend herself.

he was trying to kill her for honking her horn.

giphy

i’m on a gif kick. and a lifelong tom cruise kick.

this sort of thing doesn’t happen at the grocery store when someone gets in your way with their shopping cart, and i think we need to ask what the difference is.

i think the biggest reason people are more prone to violence while driving is that being in a vehicle gives people a sense of disconnection from what they see on the other side of the glass: the vehicle is a barrier between a person and the world around them. put other people in other cars, and that’s another barrier between two people. i think this allows people to feel quite removed from the reality of a situation — it’s like people being rude bastards on internet forums and comments sections when they’re actually normal, decent people in real life. when we’re not face to face with other people, we can be real pricks.

that lack of connection with reality shouldn’t happen in the first place, and at the very least, it should disappear by the time someone gets out of their car with a crowbar. at that point they should think, “good grief, what am i doing? am i a killer? does this person deserve death for honking their horn at me?” but if someone has

  • kept a crowbar in their car for just these types of incidents,
  • followed another person home,
  • and hopped out of their car with said crowbar in hand,

then maybe they feel like there’s no turning back now. or maybe they’ve allowed themselves — in essence, chosen — to indulge in this adrenaline rush and thirst for blood. i personally believe the latter scenario is the most common.

it’s so fucked up. unless we find a way to make people feel more connected to those around them while driving, we’re not going to find a way to curb road rage. so i think anyone found guilty of it shouldn’t be allowed to drive, simple as that. they aren’t reasonable and rational enough to handle it.

busfight

make them all take the bus. better yet, have a bus dedicated to transporting road rage offenders. it would be like a traveling thunderdome from mad max. they’d eventually kill each other so it would both rid us of the violent SOB’s and provide top notch entertainment for the public. two birds with one stone.

mad max: fury road – pretty good

*SPOILER ALERT* (i’m not giving away any top secret endings or anything but i am going to bitch about some specific stuff that people may not want to have ruined before they see fury road)

last night jenn and i saw mad max: fury road in 3D. i saw a trailer for it last year and was like “fuck that.” i thought it looked like shit, but i kept hearing really good things about it since it opened in theaters last week, so i decided to go for it. i figured even if it sucked shit, it would at least be visually entertaining in 3D. but you know what? i was pretty pleasantly surprised. it wasn’t perfect, for sure — there were a few scenes and lines of dialogue that really annoyed me — but it was good, and it was a great flick to catch in 3D. i give it an 8/10.

now i know everyone is cumming in their shorts over this movie, and i know that i’m a predictable contrarian, but i don’t care. i don’t say this shit just to be different. i say it because i believe it, because it’s what i feel, and this is what i feel about fury road: overall, it’s great. lots of fun, TONS of action, some neat characters, stayed true to the original mad max aesthetic with some really gross mutants and violence and crazy vehicles, but there was some lame bullshit that certainly shouldn’t have been in there.

one of those annoying things was the manic, sickly, violence-obsessed ‘war boy’ named nux getting all blubbery and sensitive after contributing to the death of queen splendid and being consoled by queen capable. give me a fucking break. am i to believe that this dim-witted adolescent who has been brought up on a strict diet of post-apocalyptic violence, aerosol-huffing, and ongoing blood transfusions from a living slave which he calls his ‘blood bag,’ is capable of experiencing a profound personal paradigm shift, not just overnight but in only a few minutes? that’s stupid. living in the mad max world, and being a war boy to boot, he would undoubtedly have been surrounded by and caused all manners of death, and thus been totally desensitized to it. and he’s dumb as a post. and he’s high as a kite. i think it’s fucking silly to pretend that this stupid, violent, drug-addled character is capable of such serious self-reflection and instant moral reassignment.

nux: dumb, violent, and high. just the way i like him.

the other thing i didn’t like was when max, furiosa, and co. meet with the last of the ‘many mothers.’ the camera pans and shows them meeting and interacting, and it is way too pleasant and happy. it reminds me of some of the stupid ewok scenes from star wars, it’s really childish and fluffy and ‘feel good’. but i don’t want to feel good. i want to feel disturbed and sickened. anyway, here it is: one of the queens reaches out to touch one of the old women as if she’s never seen an old lady before (which is dumb in itself since there are tons of old people back at the citadel). the old lady slaps the queen’s hand away to show she may be old but she’s still tough. LAME. to make it worse, then the old lady laughs warmly like a grandmother who has just gently scolded her grandchild; the queen joins her in laughing and they share some sort of mutually understood maternal bond. BARF. to me, that shit is totally inconsistent with rest of the harsh, brutal mad max world. it’s incongruous. any bond between humans in that world should be uneasy, tense, hard — no laughing, no smiles. that shit is for disney movies.

but those are about my only complaints with the movie. fury road isn’t going to change anyone’s life or make you think deeply about anything but it was really well done and really entertaining. oh yeah, the scenes where the bullet farmer is blinded and immortan joe gets his face ripped off were among my faves of the whole thing. pretty fucked up and brutal, especially for a mainstream blockbuster. and that makes me happy.

18-fury-road-immortan-joe-russ-lukich1

oh yeah

“whole alternatives” is a whole lot of bullshit. so are big film awards.

fuck these guys

i haven’t had popcorn in years and have been watching lots of crappy stephen king flicks with dana recently so i decided to pick some popcorn up. there was all the usual big name stuff but then i saw some stuff with “USDA CERTIFIED ORGANIC” and “GMO FREE” writing on it, and it was on sale for less than the big name stuff. i like organic shit and think monsanto is an entity of pure evil that cannot be trusted (although GMO’s themselves may have some place in the world) so i gave this upstart popcorn a shot.

but it sucks, and that sucks.

the god damn stuff didn’t pop worth a shit. after the instructed time in the microwave, less than half the bag had popped. it tasted fine but i felt ripped off that i got such a paltry amount of popcorn. i didn’t lose my shit over it though, i just thought, “maybe that was a bad bag,” and dana and i continued watching the first episode of the 1997 made-for-tv version of ‘the shining’ (which was awful).

then last night i tried to watch an old jack nicholson film, ‘the passenger.’ it earned some awards back in its day but it sucked. i turned it off halfway through, so boring. you know what i’ve learned? basically, if a film gets academy awards or anything like that, it’s a guaranteed piece of shit. for instance, the whole motivation of nicholson’s character in ‘the passenger’ was unclear from the start. he stole a dead man’s identity but i wasn’t sure why until i read the story online afterward. that’s dumb. shit should be clear, unless it’s an abstract art film. then nicholson met a young girl and she asked who he is. he said he used to be someone else but traded him in. then he asked the girl what she’s doing and she replied that she’s talking to a man who might be someone else. this was not delivered in an abstract, interesting way. it was delivered like two normal strangers just talking, even though what they said was far too unlikely, too implausible, to be a casual conversation. and that pissed me off.

dialogue like that is so fucking pretentiously artsy in the lamest, most flaccid way possible. it’s the sort of shit that gives wannabe art losers boners. it’s for the sort of turds who watch the academy awards and think that they really matter. that’s the sort of people who would say “wow, what great dialogue.” suck my dick. it’s not good dialogue, it’s smug and simpering. it’s shit.

the sort of idiot that thinks limp, unrealistic, vaguely mysterious and romantic dialogue is clever and intriguing.

now think about all the amazing films that didn’t clean up at any awards — akira, eraserhead, the exorcist, mad max, the shining, eyes wide shut, edward scissorhands, bladerunner, batman (the michael keaton/jack nicholson one), polyester, the tenant, repulsion, blah blah blah. i could go on. i think all those flicks are a lot more interesting, more multidimensional, more thought-provoking than anything the academy awards has ever gushed over. my point is that any movie that has any edge to it, any aesthetic other than soft, benign, unobjectionable, any film that is not palatable for mass consumption in some way, is overlooked by the major awards. major awards are just a way for a bunch of phony fucking industry types to pat each other on the back and get drunk on champagne. it’s a sickening thing.

ANYWAY. so i was watching that lousy fucking film and i thought, “maybe some popcorn will make this bearable.” i threw a bag of organic, GMO-free popcorn in the microwave for 3 minutes, like the directions said. and by the end of it, nothing had popped. nothing. the bag was as flat as when i put it in. i had never encountered such a faulty bag of popcorn before so i didn’t know what do do. i put it in for another 3 minutes and the stuff popped intermittently but by the end, the bag looked pretty full. i shook it, opened it, and found once again that less than half of the stuff had popped. i thought, “fuck,” and ate it because it was getting late and i needed to get through this god damn movie. i was left with a half-full bowl of popcorn kernels staring at me, mocking me, reminding me of my wasted $4. so i put a plate over the bowl and put them back in the microwave for 4 more minutes. by the end of that, most of them appeared popped. i tried one and it was bland as all hell. that was it, i gave up. i threw the shitty popcorn out, turned off the stupid fucking movie, and went to bed.

it was a bad night. i considered it.

do you know what really pisses me off about the popcorn? not my wasted $4. i can suck that up. what pisses me off is that other people who may be on the fence about supporting organic and GMO-free stuff might try this popcorn, have the same shitty experience as me, and say “holy fuck, organic stuff sucks. i’m just going to stick with cheetos and their chemicals and unsustainable palm oil farming practices.” i’m worried about this crappy ‘whole alternatives’ brand giving organic, GMO-free food a bad rap.

so i went to their website, which is so terrible that it looks like a fake site. i clicked on ‘contact us’ and expected to see an online comment/complain form, but nope. just a phone #. that’s ridiculous since no one talks on the phone anymore. but i called anyway, and guess what. wrong #. it went to some lady’s voice mail who does not appear to have any connection to ‘whole alternatives’ whatsoever. so i’m not sure how i’m supposed to complain to them.

don’t buy this junk. or better yet, find a way to contact them and give them shit. i sure as hell can’t.

and that’s how i wound up here, bitching at great length about my terrible popcorn and film experiences of last night.

first world problems.