You can’t trust anyone who is trying to sell you anything

Over the last year, I’ve noticed a lot more misleading marketing than I have in the past. There are two specific types of hoodwinking that I’m talking about.

The first is when an item has a big sticker or American flag logo on the tag, with big text that says, “proudly made in the USA.” But in small print underneath that it quietly adds, “with domestic and imported components.” In other words, “most of these components were made by slave labour in China, and then it was assembled by machines here in the US.”


The only thing this is a sure sign of is questionable marketing ethics.

The above graphic actually takes the deception a step further and uses ‘global’ as a euphemism for ‘imported’ — clever. Insidious.

Similarly, I’ve noticed a lot of food products now say stuff like, “made with NATURAL ingredients.”


That’s absurd. Virtually everything in the world can be called natural — I mean, coal and asbestos are natural, but that doesn’t mean they’re good for people — so it’s really a meaningless term. As such, there’s no regulation on the term ‘natural.’ You can put it on any food product you want, like Big Macs and Twinkies, and there is no regulatory body who is going to contact you and say, “wait a minute, that food isn’t natural.” Labeling food as ‘natural’ is just a way for companies to intentionally mislead the public into thinking their product is healthy, organic, pesticide-free, antibiotic-free, hormone-free, etc. Once again: total bullshit.

Basically, everyone who is looking to make a buck is willing to bend the truth as much as legally possible to make you feel better about buying their trash. Trust no one who is trying to sell you anything. They’re all shysters.


i hate the plastic wrapper del monte puts around their organic bananas


I don’t understand why Del Monte insists on wrapping its organic bananas with a plastic label. I buy organic stuff because I want to less shit being put into the world on my account, and this plastic wrapper negates that effort. The plastic wrap at the top of the bundle also sucks. It seems like common sense to me that they should be using a biodegradable wrap.

I emailed Del Monte about this a while ago and was re-directed to Del Monte Fresh. Apparently they are two completely unrelated companies that have nothing to do with each other — bullshit. I wonder what kind of stupid loophole they are exploiting with that little maneuver. Anyway, I was given the email address of someone at Del Monte Fresh so I politely let them know my thoughts on the topic. That was at least a month ago, and no response yet. Not even an automated ‘we have received your email’ response. Fuck.

Maybe I should start some kind of petition to attract attention to this. I know it’s not a huge deal, that there are countless other sources of waste plastic far more egregious than this but this one bugs me because I deal with it on a regular basis, and it seems counter-intuitive to the very nature of the product it’s being used on. Most companies catering to pretentious environmental twits like myself have the sense to package their stuff in a manner that appeals to the consumer — recyclable material, compostable material. So why isn’t Del Monte Fresh doing it?

Money, I’m sure. God damn money.

organic food shouldn’t be considered special. instead, cheap food made with harmful chemicals should be considered shitty.

over the last several months, i’ve been buying more and more organic groceries. i feel good about voting with my wallet, doing my small part to support things i believe in.

but this morning, it occurred to me that it’s fucking absurd that organic food is labelled as such. natural, healthy food shouldn’t be a bonus or something special. that should be the norm. it’s all the cheap shit that is made with hormones, steroids, pesticides, and other weird chemicals that should have warnings on them. they should have big labels on those products listing all the chemicals that have gone into making that product so that average schlubs who have hitherto never given a thought to this stuff can quickly learn why their no-name brand corn is so incredibly cheap — it’s easy to grow tons of crops when you spray it with toxic pesticides and overuse fertilizers that end up washed into the ocean and create toxic algae blooms.


it’s perfectly fine to eat. just don’t think about it.

it should be the duty of the companies using harmful farming techniques to inform their customers of the destructive processes that go into making cheap products, and their products should be openly advertised as sub-standard. it’s backwards that shit that is grown normally is considered special and marketed as healthy.

what a fucked up world.

what we decide is unaffordable

i don’t like it when people say they can’t afford to buy fair trade or organic stuff.

unless someone is teetering on the brink of bankruptcy, they can afford it. i think what they really mean is, “i can afford to buy that stuff but it’s not as important to me as saving that extra money for other things i enjoy more.” what it comes down to is that most of us value our personal comforts and ‘getting ahead’ more than we do the global, big picture stuff that we can’t see. i mean, we aren’t face to face with the pesticides and chemicals being sprayed on most food, pesticides and chemicals that end up being eaten by us or washed into nearby rivers and water bodies. we don’t see the hormones and antibiotics fed to livestock that we eat either. we don’t see the toxic waste dumped on the ground in developing countries where our $5 flip flops are made.

and without seeing it, it’s hard to care much about that stuff. it’s hard to feel motivated to spend twice as much on an ‘ethical’ product when there’s a substantially cheaper version sitting right next to it.


“i like the sound of this. whoah, $12 a bag? that’ll really eat into my new corvette fund.”

but i think it’s worth it, and i think anyone with kids who is hoping to leave them a half decent world should think it’s worth it too. because our current buying habits are a slow march towards huge problems — pollution, cancer, slavery, antibiotic resistance, to name a few things that we are already contending with — and i can’t imagine not even trying to fight those problems, and leaving them for my kids to deal with.

most of us here in the first world aren’t as broke as we think.


now these people are fucking broke.

“whole alternatives” is a whole lot of bullshit. so are big film awards.

fuck these guys

i haven’t had popcorn in years and have been watching lots of crappy stephen king flicks with dana recently so i decided to pick some popcorn up. there was all the usual big name stuff but then i saw some stuff with “USDA CERTIFIED ORGANIC” and “GMO FREE” writing on it, and it was on sale for less than the big name stuff. i like organic shit and think monsanto is an entity of pure evil that cannot be trusted (although GMO’s themselves may have some place in the world) so i gave this upstart popcorn a shot.

but it sucks, and that sucks.

the god damn stuff didn’t pop worth a shit. after the instructed time in the microwave, less than half the bag had popped. it tasted fine but i felt ripped off that i got such a paltry amount of popcorn. i didn’t lose my shit over it though, i just thought, “maybe that was a bad bag,” and dana and i continued watching the first episode of the 1997 made-for-tv version of ‘the shining’ (which was awful).

then last night i tried to watch an old jack nicholson film, ‘the passenger.’ it earned some awards back in its day but it sucked. i turned it off halfway through, so boring. you know what i’ve learned? basically, if a film gets academy awards or anything like that, it’s a guaranteed piece of shit. for instance, the whole motivation of nicholson’s character in ‘the passenger’ was unclear from the start. he stole a dead man’s identity but i wasn’t sure why until i read the story online afterward. that’s dumb. shit should be clear, unless it’s an abstract art film. then nicholson met a young girl and she asked who he is. he said he used to be someone else but traded him in. then he asked the girl what she’s doing and she replied that she’s talking to a man who might be someone else. this was not delivered in an abstract, interesting way. it was delivered like two normal strangers just talking, even though what they said was far too unlikely, too implausible, to be a casual conversation. and that pissed me off.

dialogue like that is so fucking pretentiously artsy in the lamest, most flaccid way possible. it’s the sort of shit that gives wannabe art losers boners. it’s for the sort of turds who watch the academy awards and think that they really matter. that’s the sort of people who would say “wow, what great dialogue.” suck my dick. it’s not good dialogue, it’s smug and simpering. it’s shit.

the sort of idiot that thinks limp, unrealistic, vaguely mysterious and romantic dialogue is clever and intriguing.

now think about all the amazing films that didn’t clean up at any awards — akira, eraserhead, the exorcist, mad max, the shining, eyes wide shut, edward scissorhands, bladerunner, batman (the michael keaton/jack nicholson one), polyester, the tenant, repulsion, blah blah blah. i could go on. i think all those flicks are a lot more interesting, more multidimensional, more thought-provoking than anything the academy awards has ever gushed over. my point is that any movie that has any edge to it, any aesthetic other than soft, benign, unobjectionable, any film that is not palatable for mass consumption in some way, is overlooked by the major awards. major awards are just a way for a bunch of phony fucking industry types to pat each other on the back and get drunk on champagne. it’s a sickening thing.

ANYWAY. so i was watching that lousy fucking film and i thought, “maybe some popcorn will make this bearable.” i threw a bag of organic, GMO-free popcorn in the microwave for 3 minutes, like the directions said. and by the end of it, nothing had popped. nothing. the bag was as flat as when i put it in. i had never encountered such a faulty bag of popcorn before so i didn’t know what do do. i put it in for another 3 minutes and the stuff popped intermittently but by the end, the bag looked pretty full. i shook it, opened it, and found once again that less than half of the stuff had popped. i thought, “fuck,” and ate it because it was getting late and i needed to get through this god damn movie. i was left with a half-full bowl of popcorn kernels staring at me, mocking me, reminding me of my wasted $4. so i put a plate over the bowl and put them back in the microwave for 4 more minutes. by the end of that, most of them appeared popped. i tried one and it was bland as all hell. that was it, i gave up. i threw the shitty popcorn out, turned off the stupid fucking movie, and went to bed.

it was a bad night. i considered it.

do you know what really pisses me off about the popcorn? not my wasted $4. i can suck that up. what pisses me off is that other people who may be on the fence about supporting organic and GMO-free stuff might try this popcorn, have the same shitty experience as me, and say “holy fuck, organic stuff sucks. i’m just going to stick with cheetos and their chemicals and unsustainable palm oil farming practices.” i’m worried about this crappy ‘whole alternatives’ brand giving organic, GMO-free food a bad rap.

so i went to their website, which is so terrible that it looks like a fake site. i clicked on ‘contact us’ and expected to see an online comment/complain form, but nope. just a phone #. that’s ridiculous since no one talks on the phone anymore. but i called anyway, and guess what. wrong #. it went to some lady’s voice mail who does not appear to have any connection to ‘whole alternatives’ whatsoever. so i’m not sure how i’m supposed to complain to them.

don’t buy this junk. or better yet, find a way to contact them and give them shit. i sure as hell can’t.

and that’s how i wound up here, bitching at great length about my terrible popcorn and film experiences of last night.

first world problems.