It’s DELICIOUSLY cold out

I don’t like the word ‘delicious.’ There’s something gross about it. I hate the sound, particularly the “ish” sound in the second syllable. It sounds wet, and reminds me of salivating mouths of people who get excited about food in the same way that dogs do. It also sounds like the kind of word that a boring, middle-aged housewife who fancies herself an artist would use. I can picture this person now very clearly, and I’m sure I’ve seen them read their terrible poetry at sad little boring, middle-aged housewife poetry nights that take place in coffee shops and are attended by only a small handful of similarly depressing people. They wear scarves that are deep red because they think scarves and the colour red are synonymous with art and passion. Passion is another word I don’t like, although I don’t feel quite as strongly about it as I do delicious — delicious is the worst.

I particularly hate when people use delicious in anything outside a food context, like I did in the title of this post. “The pace of the film Roma was delicious,” you might say if you wore a deep red scarf and were a pretentious fucking idiot. Sorry to any of my friends who like to use it that way. You’re not an idiot. It just drives me mad. I know that’s my problem, not yours.

Man, writing here is a lot more difficult since my epiphany about not being so mean to people. Being mean is how I amuse myself. It’s probably a defense mechanism for cripplingly low self-esteem or some deep-seated self-loathing. I don’t feel like exploring that right now.

I still don’t like the word delicious. But it’s cold out today, and I like that.

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How to increase traffic to your blog

I’ve been blogging for four or five years now, and about all manners of things. This handy dandy WordPress site allows me to see which of my posts get the most views, when, and from what parts of the world. Using this info, I’ve been able to determine what topics people like to read about, and I’m now going to share the secret to my blog’s wild success with you:

Write about stupid, inane bullshit.

Yup. That’s what the people want. My most viewed posts are movie reviews and bitching about metal bands that suck. You can pour your guts out and bare your soul to the world, talk about real issues like government corruption and our rapidly declining environment, or write terrible poetry or whatever, but people don’t give a shit about that stuff so your viewership will be pathetic. Write about the latest piece of shit superhero movie though, and people will eat it up.

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I haven’t seen it and yet I somehow know that it’s a complete fucking turd. But my views for today will be through the roof!

What a sad statement on humanity. I often wonder how many people actually read the news or care about important current events, and how most people can’t be bothered with that stuff and would actually rather distract themselves from those things with mindless fluff, like entertainment news. The majority of us are making the choice to be human cattle,¬†and McDonald’s and superhero movies are our fodder — it’s incredible. It’s no wonder that such a small percentage of the human race controls how the rest of the world works. We’re basically begging to be exploited by anyone smarter or more powerful than us.

So if what matters to you is attracting more dumbass cattle to your blog, just write about dumbass stuff that will help them ignore the fact that the human race is circling the drain as we speak. Ta da, now you’re popular. Congratulations.

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Note how viewership for my blog is steadily plummeting as this rambling, miserable post goes on.

words suck (usually)

i’ve been on a real led zeppelin kick for a while now. i basically downloaded their entire discography and have been listening to it in my car to get familiar with everything they’ve ever done. i think that they’re one of, if not the single best rock band of all time. they’re incredible.

but they’re not flawless. every now and then, i feel like robert plant’s yarns about lords and maidens are a weak subtext for some pretty banal shit, like he’s barely covering up the fact that he’s simply bitching about the politics of being in a big successful rock band.

to be clear, this isn’t usually the case. for the most part, i fucking love plant’s lyrics. i think he usually does a good job of doing what old blues lyrics used to do: talk about real simple shit in such a way that it sounds epic and timeless. i’ve never really analyzed what good blues lyrics specifically do to attain those qualities but off the top of my head, i think it’s the simplicity and deliberate nature of the words that imbues them with the sort of wisdom you’d expect from a weathered old soul in the south, sitting on their back porch, reflecting on a lifetime of experiences. good blues lyrics have that mystical quality to them, i think.

and most of zeppelin’s lyrics have that mystical quality, and not just the old blues covers they performed but their original shit too. generally, they’re fucking awesome. but sometimes it feels like plant is stretching — overstretching — like he is trying too hard to be too clever, too obscure. the other day when i noticed this, i realized that it is an incredibly fine line separating great lyrics from lousy lyrics. it’s so easy to go too far one way or the other — to be so simple you sound like a fucking imbecile, to be so open and honest that you sound like a 16-yr old going through a breakup and writing bad poetry about it, or in plant’s case, to be so obscure that you sound like a pretentious cunt. it’s a monumental balancing act to have just the right amount of those important elements and not too much, and i think that most people consistently fail at it. i’m no different, i’m absolutely abysmal at writing song lyrics. the only ones i have liked have been intentionally silly, or a collage of words and phrases from disparate places that i just threw together haphazardly until it sounded good to me. which leads me to another point: there’s something about not trying so hard when creating art that tends to make the piece better. it’s a strange phenomenon but i find it’s pretty consistent.

more artists should just fucking relax a little bit and have more fun when they’re writing shit, is what i’m getting at. because when people try too hard, it gets shitty.

nothing ruins a song faster than words

i recently stumbled across a band i’ve never listened to before, and have had one of their songs stuck in my head for a few days now. i’ve been totally enamoured with it because of the power and strange mysteries it conveyed to me. here it is.

i couldn’t decipher the lyrics, and knew that i shouldn’t look them up since i was very likely to be disappointed by them. but my curiosity got the best of me, and yup. very disappointed. there are no lines that stand out as particularly bad and worthy of me posting them here but they are generally uninspired, typical, boring. just metal heads trying to write typical metal lyrics about typical metal topics.

i have a hard time finding much music i like, and i have an even harder time when i also have to consider the lyrics, especially in metal. it seems like lyrics are a second thought to most metal musicians, like they first come up with music that they like and then feel obligated to put some vocals over top of it so they throw some trite words together and use that. and i’m sick of that approach. words don’t have to suck. words don’t have to be so plain and dull. they don’t have to sledgehammers, driving home the point of your dumb statement. the right combination of words can be as abstract and interpretive as any music. they can paint swirling, multi-textured scenes if you use a finer brush.

and i prefer that. i want more depth in my art, more layers, more to consider. i don’t want to read grade 8 history reports presented as lyrics to a song. that’s dumb.

if people really suck with words, they should stick to instrumentals or get some help with their lyrics. shit, you don’t even have to use real words. you can just make sounds, or make up your own words. fuck it, it’s art, you know? no rules. i’m just tired of people ruining perfectly good music with their garbage words.

but i guess i could have just never read those lyrics. then i could have still liked the song. i guess i have to accept my part of the blame for this mess. shit.