Last week, I had the subject of an old blog post contact me and give me shit about some things I wrote about them. It caused me some mixed emotions. I was annoyed that someone was trying to censor me; I felt guilty for having written such mean things about a person (which I’ve done to a lot of people here, over the years); I felt justified in that, regardless of how I said it, I still agreed with my assessment of that person. I considered taking down the 4-yr old post that virtually no one has ever looked at but after chatting with a few friends about it, I decided to ignore the whole situation and put it out of my mind. After all, this blog is basically my online diary, and I wouldn’t tear a page out of my diary — each entry is a snapshot into my mind at the time, and I value that. I want to always have this, to always be able to look back on where I was at a given time.
But one tiny detail kept nagging at me, and it’s this: the post was just plain mean. I still think the post was both true and funny, and I still value it simply as something I took the time to sit down and write, but I talk on here all the time about valuing kindness and ‘doing the right thing,’ blah blah blah. So I felt like a real hypocrite leaving this post up after learning the subject was clearly upset by it.
Fortunately, I was able to simply change the post to a private one that only I can see. So all’s well that ends well, right?
Not really. Now I’m thinking about the myriad other cruel posts I’ve made here about specific people, and I’m wondering, is that who I want to be? It’s tough, and really annoying. On one hand, I like voicing the dichotomy of my nature that virtually everyone struggles with — the urge to be kind and good, and the urge to do whatever I please regardless of who it might hurt. I mean, I find it amusing. I’m almost bipolar, at times.
On the other hand, I feel like the Jekyll and Hyde thing may just be a clever excuse to keep being shitty. Like, “I’m aware of the lousy things I do and that makes it sort of ok,” which is a fallacy — shitty is shitty. I also think it’s easy and convenient to keep doing the wrong thing one has been doing forever, and harder to change and live better, so being shitty is also lazy.
But I also feel like the quest to be totally virtuous makes people really fucking boring and irritating. I like making crass and inappropriate jokes, and I love it when other people do too. I think it’s good to laugh at serious topics. Heaven knows we’ll all get cancer soon enough and then none of the good cancer jokes will be funny anymore, so I want to get the laughs in while I can.
I suppose the difference between brutal jokes and hurtful blog posts that I find funny is that the jokes aren’t directed at a specific person. Hmmm. What I’m leaning towards here is that perhaps I shouldn’t single anyone out when making brutal yet amusing blog posts.
My next conundrum: should I go back over all of my previous posts and either edit the ones that do single people out (Jon Jones excluded, he’s a piece of shit through and through and deserves all the hate I can throw at him), or perhaps just set those posts to ‘private’ as well? I’ll have to give it some thought.
What an annoying post this has been. Not one of my favourite to write, and not one of my favourite to read in the future either, I predict.