A tale of cat turds and extra sensory perception

Last night, it was snowing like a bastard so I went outside and moved my car to make it easier to get out when I left for work this morning. I cleared the snow off the car, hopped in, and started it up. Then I smelled the strong, pungent, unmistakable stench of shit in my car, like I had stepped in it and brought the foul stuff into the vehicle with me. But, strangely enough, I hadn’t. There was no shit anywhere. Not on my boots, not in my car, not anywhere I had walked in the snow. I shrugged and put it out of my mind, and finished what I was doing.

I went back inside the house a minute or so later to find Jenn coming down the stairs, holding our cat as far away from herself as she could, proclaiming that he had just shat in our bed, and was continuing to shit as she carried him outside. That’s right, the cat shit in our bed. He’s an old barn cat named Masuku who has always loved to come inside whenever we allow it, and Jenn thought we should bring him in last night on account of the inclement weather. But I guess it’s been so long since he’s been inside that he has forgotten what is expected of him there, and Jenn said she walked into our bedroom to see him squatting right in the middle of all our blankets, confidently releasing his bowels into our most intimate of spaces. It wasn’t like he was terrified and spraying diarrhea; no, these were fully-formed solid turds he was depositing, and continued to deposit as Jenn rushed down the stairs with him.

That will be the last time Masuku is ever allowed in the house. He really went out in a blaze of glory. Much manic cleaning ensued.

That’s a gross little story in itself but for me, the most fascinating aspect of this debacle is that I inexplicably smelled shit in my car right around the moment Masuku shat in my bed. How strange. I was just saying to someone recently that there was a period in my life a few years ago where I experienced several strange coincidences that really made me go, “whoah, this is spooky.” I wrote about some of those things here and here. I’ve gone a long time without experiencing anything spooky so as much as I want to puke at the memory of our damn cat shitting in our bed and down the stairs, I have to be grateful for — and try to focus on — the cool, mysterious experience related to it.


Huh. Apparently it’s a thing. How about that.


more word stuff i hate

i like words and stuff, which is why i feel strongly when people fuck with them or waste them or use them in stupid ways or overuse them and take power and meaning away from something otherwise great. which is why these things really chafe my ass.

    • hip silly things that don’t make sense. like ‘amaze-balls’ or ‘totes magotes’. how did ‘amazing’ and ‘totally’ turn into those, and why? what perverse mind birthed such twisted creations? they’re so juvenile and stupid.
    • overuse and incorrect use of ‘literally’. like, “i went to the aviation museum and it was literally a piece of shit.” no it wasn’t, although that does conjure up some great visuals. or “i literally shit the bed on that one.” also pleasing to imagine but totally wrong. ‘literally’ is supposed to be used when something sounds outrageous or implausible but actually happened in that way, but dumbasses just use it for emphasis, like a synonym for ‘totally’ or ‘seriously’. dumb.
    • describing anything and everything as ‘epic’. the waffles you ate were not ‘epic’. neither was your gnarly snowboard bail. if you journeyed by foot across hundreds of miles of desert, that would be epic. if your life story involved swimming across oceans and battling sea monsters, ripping the wretched grendel’s arm from its socket, then slaying grendel’s hideous mother, that would be epic. epic stuff is grand and amaze-balls, i mean amazing, not trite and silly.
    • “i know, right?” this one is odd because if it weren’t a massive fucking trend, if it only happened occasionally and was entirely organic, i’d have no problem with it. but it’s been picked up by high school girls everywhere and is probably used about 50,000 in a single interaction between any two of them. it’s like a girl version of “it is what it is,” which i already hated on long ago.
    • ‘fail’. if i have to hear anyone else talk about their or anyone else’s epic fail, my head is literally going to explode.

I’m not kidding.

to be continued, i’m sure.