i’ve been blogging in earnest for about four years now, and this blog has been around for almost five years. and it looks like i’ve made over 500 posts in that time. that’s pretty nuts. good job on complaining about a lot of stuff, self.


“none of us thought you’d live this long.”

(*edit* — right after i posted this thing, wordpress informed me that this was exactly my 500th post. that’s incredible. what were the chances of coincidentally writing a retrospective on my 500th post? cosmic shit, very neat. anyway.)

at ben’s wedding, i was chatting with a few of my devoted followers about my blog. many, many flattering things were said, naturally. among them, dante asked me what my fave posts were. it’s hard to answer that because i honestly don’t remember most of them. there are a few posts which see a surprising amount of regular traffic that is not just my close friends checking in to make sure i haven’t killed myself yet, so i am aware of those posts. but every now and then i see some poor unwitting sap stumbles across a weird, random post i made a few years ago that i had totally forgotten about. i like to read those posts because usually, i like them just as much as any of my other posts. i usually find them honest, dark, and/or funny — all qualities i cherish. so it’s tough to pick favourites.

nonetheless, i’ve been thinking about this since dana brought it up, and decided i should sit down and actually pick a few out. there are a few that stand out to me and are obvious choices. they are

but i also have a soft spot for the very first post i ever made, because it illustrates how wickedly consistent i tend to be — five years on and i’m still pissing and moaning, going on about the environment.

of course, you could spin that the other way and say it just illustrates what a broken record i am, but fuck that. don’t be stupid. and you know what? i’ve made lots of posts and comments that have been ahead of their time. four years ago, i bitched about how stupid straws are, long before bars and restaurants stopped serving them automatically with every drink:

same thing with plastics in the ocean turning up in fish that we eat, i was ahead of the game on that one too. on a similar note, i have stated here that i am of the opinion that eating fish that are full of plastics and toxins will surely be found to contribute to the cancer epidemic we are currently witnessing because that seems obvious. but of course, all of the policy makers are waiting for years of studies to be done on the topic before any of them will actually get behind that statement and do something about it — apathetic cowards signing the death warrants of their grandchildren. so it will be a few more years before i can smugly say “i told you so” about that too.


god, i’m so fucking smart.

hey, on a lighter note, i’ll close with this post. this was when i finally started blogging more regularly and comfortably — it was a little different than what i typically do here since i was experimenting with more of classic diary entry format but the tone and overall approach are basically the same. i would say this was when i “found my voice” — or that’s what i’d say if i was a feeble fucking twit, anyway.

this was a real exercise in self-indulgence, wowee. a new low, even for me.


nobody wants to hear what you would have done differently if you were them

years ago, i was hanging out with group of pals. one of them had just bought a car. i asked what they wound up getting, they told us, and i think i said something along the lines of, “i’ve read that the engines in those have a tendency to spin the bearings due to poor oil circulation.” one of my other pals said, “just what everyone wants to hear: you bought a lemon.”

that short exchange has stuck with me since because it really illuminated what a downer and know-it-all i can be. my friend was happy about their new car, why did i go and piss on their parade? the car was already bought so my info wasn’t useful to them. it was just irritating. what’s even worse is i know i have probably made countless similar downer comments in the past. it makes me wonder why my friends have stuck with me for so long. being negative is one thing but being a smug know-it-all is far more loathsome, in my opinion.


i did an image search for “smug” and this was at the top of the results. that look captures what i’m driving at.

i don’t want to be that kind of person so i’ve made an effort since then to be more aware of how i speak to people. now when someone is telling me about how shitty their divorce was, i try not to chime in with some stupid hot tip like, “well doug, i’ve personally found that open communication is key to a healthy relationship. maybe you should have talked with your wife more.” now, before i open my mouth, i think, “doug has had several years to mull his divorce over and he’s probably already realized the mistakes he made. i don’t need to tell him stuff he already knows. it’s probably best to just listen to him.”

of course there are times when it’s fine to offer advice, like when someone asks you for it, or if a friend is considering doing something and you want to make sure they’re aware of some risk before they do it. that’s totally different from lecturing people, beating them over the head with stuff they’ve already figured out on their own, or giving them advice after it’s too late.

here’s another anecdote to illustrate my point: i had a barn built on my property last year. jenn and i gave it lots of thought before construction and knew what we wanted. it was built, and we are very happy with it. since then, i’ve had a lot of neighbours come over and say stuff like, “looks great. is there any plumbing in it? why didn’t you make the hay loft into a suite that you could rent out? that’s what i would have done. OSB for the walls, you’re not going to drywall it? that’s what i would have done.” why would they think i care at all about what they would have done? i didn’t build it for them, i built it for me, and i like it this way. telling me what they dislike about my new barn sure doesn’t endear them to me.

if those clods had any mind at all, they would simply say, “nice garage, looks great. makes me think about building one myself.”

just like i should have said, “congrats on the new car, i’m happy for you,” many moons ago.

double down dumb

i just saw a news article where the CEO of westjet proclaimed the airline’s expansion to europe as one of the best decisions made in its 20-year history, despite mechanical problems, passenger complaints, and analysts calling it “the stupidest thing they’ve ever seen.”

i don’t really care about this topic one way or the other but what strikes me is that since i’ve started reading the news more, i’ve noticed a trend in the business world: when things look bad, the people in trouble tend to double down on their position, just like this guy is doing. it’s a real ‘fake it till you make it’ approach.

i think the first time i really noticed it was when enbridge was running into heaps of trouble trying to get approval for their northern gateway pipeline. they kept saying “everything is moving ahead smoothly. we’ve got almost all of the native communities on board with this project. there’s tons of public support for this pipeline. full steam ahead.” all this despite the massive public outcry, protests, petitions, united native bands who wouldn’t let the pipeline touch their lands, etc. it seemed obvious the project was fucked even though enbridge maintained everything was groovy. i realized then that they were basically just trying to bluff the public, make people give up and stop fighting. ultimately, that didn’t work and the project fizzled out.

i’ve noticed other businesses and business moguls use the same approach a few times since then, and i don’t like it. i understand why they do it — it actually works a surprising amount of the time — but i think it’s dishonest and unethical. it’s essentially just telling lies until you can make those lies a reality.

just another reason to hate ‘the suits.’


bale looks eerily similar to martin shkreli here. i think it’s the smug, soulless, empty shell of a human vibe.


today i chatted with a guy who asked me why i wasn’t following the same career path as him. i explained why i preferred my path, and he completely disregarded what i said and told me he thought i was afraid to be “out of my depths.” he didn’t give a reason why he thought this, instead he just started listing what he liked about his job, as if to say “you couldn’t possibly prefer anything else.”


“i’m a smug, rude prick who doesn’t listen and has everyone else’s lives figured out better than they do.”

the funny thing is, i met this guy once before and had a short chat with him then too, and i didn’t like him then either. he came off as an arrogant know-it-all, sort of a windbag, and that was after only 5 or 10 minutes. i foolishly second guessed my feelings on him.

but today, even before he disregarded everything i had said and basically called a virtual stranger a chicken, he had still come off as an arrogant know-it-all, giving jenn and i lots of strong advice on how to train our dog. “it’s important to do this, don’t do that,” etc. so i’d already decided, “i don’t like this guy much.” and then he promptly hammered the final nail in his own coffin.

the odd thing is that i wish i could have said something as rude and judgmental in return to the guy, but i just couldn’t do it. i’d feel like too much of an asshole. i don’t understand how some people can think it’s ok to talk like that to other people, especially strangers.

but maybe a lot of people actually think the same thing about me.

well, fuck them.

this post certainly hasn’t helped me see this event any differently, or helped me to feel better about it. i’m still just as angry at the prick. great.

typical dickheads and their vehicles

man, i hate cliched drivers and vehicles. some people have no fucking clue who they are so they glom on to some ridiculous stereotype and try to be that. it’s pathetic. here are some i hate the most.

  • hot girls and jeeps (even though lots of hot girls with jeeps aren’t hot at all and just think that owning a jeep makes them hot — yeah right)

my loathing killed my boner

  • wannabe rednecks and giant, mint condition trucks (i have no problem with real rednecks who actually use their trucks to haul stuff)

rolled up sleeves on a plaid shirt. he must be serious.

  • yuppie douchebags and european luxury cars


  • tough hot girls and crotch rockets

acting tough doesn’t make you tough, or sexy. it makes you fake.

  • anyone acting tough on a ‘hog’

i will never understand biker culture. just riding bikes around for no reason sounds about as fun just driving my car around for no reason — boring and pointless.

there’s only one cliche that i can accept: skids and firebirds.

oh fuck yeah

i don’t care if i’m being inconsistent or playing favourites. i don’t think anyone besides me and a few people who never left the early 80’s think this is cool so you don’t see it too often anymore. i think that scarcity keeps this one special. plus i love the idea of driving like a maniac with a death wish, blaring wicked thrash metal records like ‘cowboys from hell’ and ‘justice for all,’ high as fuck on speed, and then wrapping the whole thing and myself around a tree. “if you’re going to go out, go out in a firebird,” i always say. all those other lame cliches are for pussies but this one is sick.

which brings me to my gofundme campaign. i would love — nay, i need to race around in a firebird, listening to metal while ripped out of my mind on speed. it’s always been my childhood dream! but sadly, i can’t afford it with my buttoned-down sane living. this is where YOU come in: YOU can make this dream a reality by buying it for me! just donate some money to me via my gofundme page and once i have enough, i’ll post a few pictures of me looking badass with my badass car before we go up in flames! this means a lot to me so please, give if you can.

“whole alternatives” is a whole lot of bullshit. so are big film awards.

fuck these guys

i haven’t had popcorn in years and have been watching lots of crappy stephen king flicks with dana recently so i decided to pick some popcorn up. there was all the usual big name stuff but then i saw some stuff with “USDA CERTIFIED ORGANIC” and “GMO FREE” writing on it, and it was on sale for less than the big name stuff. i like organic shit and think monsanto is an entity of pure evil that cannot be trusted (although GMO’s themselves may have some place in the world) so i gave this upstart popcorn a shot.

but it sucks, and that sucks.

the god damn stuff didn’t pop worth a shit. after the instructed time in the microwave, less than half the bag had popped. it tasted fine but i felt ripped off that i got such a paltry amount of popcorn. i didn’t lose my shit over it though, i just thought, “maybe that was a bad bag,” and dana and i continued watching the first episode of the 1997 made-for-tv version of ‘the shining’ (which was awful).

then last night i tried to watch an old jack nicholson film, ‘the passenger.’ it earned some awards back in its day but it sucked. i turned it off halfway through, so boring. you know what i’ve learned? basically, if a film gets academy awards or anything like that, it’s a guaranteed piece of shit. for instance, the whole motivation of nicholson’s character in ‘the passenger’ was unclear from the start. he stole a dead man’s identity but i wasn’t sure why until i read the story online afterward. that’s dumb. shit should be clear, unless it’s an abstract art film. then nicholson met a young girl and she asked who he is. he said he used to be someone else but traded him in. then he asked the girl what she’s doing and she replied that she’s talking to a man who might be someone else. this was not delivered in an abstract, interesting way. it was delivered like two normal strangers just talking, even though what they said was far too unlikely, too implausible, to be a casual conversation. and that pissed me off.

dialogue like that is so fucking pretentiously artsy in the lamest, most flaccid way possible. it’s the sort of shit that gives wannabe art losers boners. it’s for the sort of turds who watch the academy awards and think that they really matter. that’s the sort of people who would say “wow, what great dialogue.” suck my dick. it’s not good dialogue, it’s smug and simpering. it’s shit.

the sort of idiot that thinks limp, unrealistic, vaguely mysterious and romantic dialogue is clever and intriguing.

now think about all the amazing films that didn’t clean up at any awards — akira, eraserhead, the exorcist, mad max, the shining, eyes wide shut, edward scissorhands, bladerunner, batman (the michael keaton/jack nicholson one), polyester, the tenant, repulsion, blah blah blah. i could go on. i think all those flicks are a lot more interesting, more multidimensional, more thought-provoking than anything the academy awards has ever gushed over. my point is that any movie that has any edge to it, any aesthetic other than soft, benign, unobjectionable, any film that is not palatable for mass consumption in some way, is overlooked by the major awards. major awards are just a way for a bunch of phony fucking industry types to pat each other on the back and get drunk on champagne. it’s a sickening thing.

ANYWAY. so i was watching that lousy fucking film and i thought, “maybe some popcorn will make this bearable.” i threw a bag of organic, GMO-free popcorn in the microwave for 3 minutes, like the directions said. and by the end of it, nothing had popped. nothing. the bag was as flat as when i put it in. i had never encountered such a faulty bag of popcorn before so i didn’t know what do do. i put it in for another 3 minutes and the stuff popped intermittently but by the end, the bag looked pretty full. i shook it, opened it, and found once again that less than half of the stuff had popped. i thought, “fuck,” and ate it because it was getting late and i needed to get through this god damn movie. i was left with a half-full bowl of popcorn kernels staring at me, mocking me, reminding me of my wasted $4. so i put a plate over the bowl and put them back in the microwave for 4 more minutes. by the end of that, most of them appeared popped. i tried one and it was bland as all hell. that was it, i gave up. i threw the shitty popcorn out, turned off the stupid fucking movie, and went to bed.

it was a bad night. i considered it.

do you know what really pisses me off about the popcorn? not my wasted $4. i can suck that up. what pisses me off is that other people who may be on the fence about supporting organic and GMO-free stuff might try this popcorn, have the same shitty experience as me, and say “holy fuck, organic stuff sucks. i’m just going to stick with cheetos and their chemicals and unsustainable palm oil farming practices.” i’m worried about this crappy ‘whole alternatives’ brand giving organic, GMO-free food a bad rap.

so i went to their website, which is so terrible that it looks like a fake site. i clicked on ‘contact us’ and expected to see an online comment/complain form, but nope. just a phone #. that’s ridiculous since no one talks on the phone anymore. but i called anyway, and guess what. wrong #. it went to some lady’s voice mail who does not appear to have any connection to ‘whole alternatives’ whatsoever. so i’m not sure how i’m supposed to complain to them.

don’t buy this junk. or better yet, find a way to contact them and give them shit. i sure as hell can’t.

and that’s how i wound up here, bitching at great length about my terrible popcorn and film experiences of last night.

first world problems.

i think the greatest achievers are often the most unlikeable weirdos

i have a theory. it started out in early 2007 when i became intimately acquainted with the rollins band album, ‘the end of silence.’

i was going through a difficult period of change (not like a sex change or anything, just personal growth) and that album suited my state of mind at the time really well. it spoke to me so clearly, it applied to me in such huge ways that i felt connected to henry rollins, like we shared some powerful core experience. i became really curious about henry rollins on a personal level and i checked out a number of his interviews, like this one with nardwuar, the human serviette.

and i realized, “jesus christ, hank rollins is an asshole. i wouldn’t want to hang out with him at all.” i was shocked! i couldn’t believe this man who had been instrumental in helping me through such a difficult time could be such a dickhead.

then i started thinking about some of my other favourite artists, like prince. i think prince is god-like. i firmly believe he is a michaelangelo or davinci of our lifetime, he is truly a living legend. but same thing, he’s a fucking dink. he’s so esoteric and smug and pretentious. and the same goes for a lot of other great artists who are geniuses but really fucking unlikeable in a great variety of ways — sting, mike patton, david lynch, stanley kubrick, marlon brando. i could go on but i’m sure you get the idea. it’s a shame but i think it’s largely inherent to any artist who ventures out on their own, doing something new and interesting and genuine. they have to be strong, proud, stubborn individuals to do something unique and crazy and be successful with it. but those qualities don’t usually make for good buds you want to go for dog walks with.

then i saw the olympics a couple years ago and watched an interview with some world class athlete. i can’t remember who it was but it was a young, beautiful woman who was one of the best in the world at some obscure, essentially useless talent. i thought, “wow, so accomplished, and what a babe. i wonder what lucky dude she’ll end up with.” but then i listened to the interview and she talked about her rigorous training schedule, nutritional regime, how hard she had worked to get to this point, that sort of thing. her entire life from like age 8 on had been all been nothing but buildup to olympic level shotput or high jump or breaststroke or whatever, and i realized that despite the things i admired her for, she was a horrifically imbalanced individual. she had never had the time to make lasting friendships, to date people and learn about love and romance, to party, to hang out at mason’s in the summer and drink discount kick sodas…

it was a poor man’s jolt cola that no one bought, so they sold it for next to nothing. we bought it up like hot cakes.

…and she wouldn’t be any fun to hang out with. she and most other olympic athletes must be so stunted from living with such a singular purpose that i actually feel bad for them. they are on top of the world for a few weeks out of their lives, and the rest of the time they are missing out on the things that make life worth living. or things that make my life worth living, anyway.

and that’s how i came up with this theory that the people who seem the most talented or have achieved the greatest things are probably the most imbalanced, odd, and unpleasant to be around. we average schlubs may not make it into any history books but i’d way rather spend late nights dancing with my pals at seedy bars and house parties than doing anything at all with prince, henry rollins, or david lynch. i love their shit but those guys are weird as all hell.