no automatic transmission in my firebird. no way.

i’ve mentioned before on here how i have a long-standing love of late 70’s firebirds. they’re the only muscle car that has ever given me a boner.


oh motherfuck yeah

so, even though i would never buy one unless i suddenly became obscenely rich and could afford to have a useless car i only drive a few days out of a year and the free garage space to store it, i occasionally look on craigslist and whatnot for them. i see some really nice ones, like the one above, but i am absolutely dismayed that the vast majority of them are automatics. i don’t understand why anyone would want a vehicle, especially something powerful that one wields as opposed to drives, with an automatic transmission. to me, that defeats the purpose of wielding the goddamn thing in the first place.

i mean, automatics are so fucking unsatisfying. cars are pretty easy to drive — you give it gas to make it go and then aim it at whatever you want to kill — so if you remove the selecting of what gear you’re in at any given moment, it’s even easier. it’s basically a toy then, like a bumper car. stomp, go. when i see people doing burnouts and driving like maniacs in automatics, all i can think is, you think you’re wicked sick but you’re basically driving a fucking bumper car.

i want to control as much of what the car is doing as possible. if i want to drive it like a maniac, i will redline the goddamn thing in each gear before shifting up — for maximum performance, maximum fuel waste, maximum boneheadedness. i don’t believe an automatic will push the engine as close to self-destruction as i want it to go. and similarly, two blocks later, if i want to drive sedately so the police don’t suspect me of running over 3 school children and an old lady, or if i suddenly want to improve my fuel economy, i want to be able to do that too. and i don’t believe an automatic transmission can handle my bipolar, homicidal, fuel-conserving driving habits. not to the degree that i want it to.

and that’s really making my search for a firebird difficult. but it will be worth it. when i get a firebird, it will have a manual transmission and it will be glorious.


true evil


typical dickheads and their vehicles

man, i hate cliched drivers and vehicles. some people have no fucking clue who they are so they glom on to some ridiculous stereotype and try to be that. it’s pathetic. here are some i hate the most.

  • hot girls and jeeps (even though lots of hot girls with jeeps aren’t hot at all and just think that owning a jeep makes them hot — yeah right)

my loathing killed my boner

  • wannabe rednecks and giant, mint condition trucks (i have no problem with real rednecks who actually use their trucks to haul stuff)

rolled up sleeves on a plaid shirt. he must be serious.

  • yuppie douchebags and european luxury cars


  • tough hot girls and crotch rockets

acting tough doesn’t make you tough, or sexy. it makes you fake.

  • anyone acting tough on a ‘hog’

i will never understand biker culture. just riding bikes around for no reason sounds about as fun just driving my car around for no reason — boring and pointless.

there’s only one cliche that i can accept: skids and firebirds.

oh fuck yeah

i don’t care if i’m being inconsistent or playing favourites. i don’t think anyone besides me and a few people who never left the early 80’s think this is cool so you don’t see it too often anymore. i think that scarcity keeps this one special. plus i love the idea of driving like a maniac with a death wish, blaring wicked thrash metal records like ‘cowboys from hell’ and ‘justice for all,’ high as fuck on speed, and then wrapping the whole thing and myself around a tree. “if you’re going to go out, go out in a firebird,” i always say. all those other lame cliches are for pussies but this one is sick.

which brings me to my gofundme campaign. i would love — nay, i need to race around in a firebird, listening to metal while ripped out of my mind on speed. it’s always been my childhood dream! but sadly, i can’t afford it with my buttoned-down sane living. this is where YOU come in: YOU can make this dream a reality by buying it for me! just donate some money to me via my gofundme page and once i have enough, i’ll post a few pictures of me looking badass with my badass car before we go up in flames! this means a lot to me so please, give if you can.

my gofundme campaign

in light of my last post, i’ve decided to join the plebes in asking for things i haven’t earned and don’t deserve, so here is my gofundme campaign to raise money so i can finally buy the canary yellow firebird i’ve always wanted!! donate lots, donate often! tell your friends!! tell your ailing grandparents with fat bank accounts!!! with your help,¬†WE WILL MAKE THIS HAPPEN!!!!!

share this link all over social media!!!! –¬†