it feels good to feel good

for the last week or so, i’ve been feeling really good, really happy, and it’s weird what a vicious cycle feeling good is — being happy about some stuff in my life makes me more appreciative of other things, like friends or good times for example, and being appreciative of those things and feeling lucky (or “blessed,” barf) makes me even happier. it’s like i’ve been on a positivity bender for a week now.

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“WOO!”

and it feels great.

it’s a nice change of pace from my usual disposition, ranging of ‘slightly depressed’ to ‘very depressed.’ and while i feel like i should somehow prepare myself for this all to come to a crashing halt, for the moment the happy things stop occurring, i feel too good right now to worry about it. i know the end will come, the misery will return, and things will go back to normal but i’ll deal with it when it happens. no point in getting bummed out while i’m still feeling so good.

why am i feeling so good, anyway? steph and tony’s wedding, seeing lots of great friends i don’t see very often, the suit i put together looks great, we’re building a garage, we bought property up island, i got five new young hens, one of my adult hens went broody and is now sitting on 8 fertilized eggs i bought for her, i finally set up a micro drip irrigation system for the vegetable garden, the new twin peaks is as weird and fantastic as ever…that sort of stuff.

something else i want to note about this happiness bender: it makes me prone to the sensation of emotions welling up. like, i’ll get a text from a good friend and i’ll almost want to cry because i feel so grateful to have that friend in my life. similarly, if a really killer anti-humanistic song comes on in my car, i shudder with utter contempt and contemplate the of plunging all of reality — people, planets, the entire universe, all of time — into an endless void of nonexistence: a “red surge,” as i recently heard a convicted killer call it, except i associate red with rage and anger so i’d probably describe my welling up of negative and abstract feelings as more of a “black surge.”

anyway, being happy is just making me feel really emotional in general, i suppose. it’s kind of interesting. i like feeling things.

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feeling…good. for now.

after feeling oddly shitty at the start of january 2017, i’ve actually been feeling pretty good lately. there’s a lot of stuff i’ve felt pumped or even grateful for. in fact, i was just listening to led zeppelin’s ‘III’ album and enjoying it so much that i felt like making a list of things i like, things that make me happy. here it is.

  1. led zeppelin
  2. cookies
  3. the satisfaction i feel after doing some house cleaning
  4. playing bass in standard tuning
  5. sim city for SNES
  6. tetris, obv
  7. real winter weather, like snow and sub-zero temperatures
  8. driving my 4wd corolla wagon in the snow
  9. meeting interesting seniors at work (there are interesting non-seniors every now and then too but seniors are usually more sensible and calm, and have a deeper pool of life experiences to talk about)
  10. chickens
  11. our dog, cat, horse, and goat
  12. camping/road trips/exploring with jenn
  13. getting xmas and birthday gifts for jenn that are both a surprise and a big hit
  14. rick and morty
  15. the wonder years
  16. twin peaks
  17. getting a great night of sleep
  18. dreams
  19. lucid dreams
  20. experiencing crazy premonitions
  21. dancing to 80’s and disco hits
  22. sointula, BC
  23. shawnigan lake
  24. UFC
  25. watching UFC with pals
  26. burgers
  27. having so many outstanding old friends
  28. the seasons
  29. watching films that really knock my dick into the dirt
  30. seeing our fruit trees thrive in the spring
  31. carving jack-o-lanterns
  32. coming home after a few weeks away
  33. quitting time at work
  34. retro furniture and housewares
  35. swimming at the fish ladders with pals
  36. working out/exercising in general
  37. screaming and growling

…to name but a few.

fuck friday night lights

a few of my co-workers have been watching friday night lights lately so i’ve had to suffer through listening to a few episodes and man, it’s a fucking turd.

but i should thank it because it has made me realize one of the things i hate about not just this show but most popular tv series in general: if it isn’t a reality show, it’s a fucking soap opera. we don’t call them soap operas anymore — we reserve that title for the midday shows of the 80s, like the young and the restless, with their instantly recognizable weird, dark lighting and cheap-looking film quality — but that’s what these shows are. there are always at least a dozen story lines going on at any time, they all involve some kind of love triangle or similar sexual intrigue, every character flip flops between being good and evil, and the second you think a story line is resolving, some other detail emerges to create more drama for the next 3 or 4 episodes (that drama usually involves a ‘good’ character doing something morally questionable when they know they shouldn’t).

i don’t think that’s entertaining. i think it’s fucking irritating. i wouldn’t watch the young and the restless or any of those other garbage shows, and i won’t watch our hip modern versions of those either. fuck drama. fuck flip flopping. fuck characters who perpetually make insanely poor choices. i don’t relate. to me, that shit is as fantastical as wizards and dragons. it’s childish, stupid, so far removed from reality.

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all these new shows are just as stupid and ‘out there’ as this.

of course i don’t have a problem with escapist entertainment. what i have a problem with is the lack of awareness or at least some irony in these shows. they take themselves so goddamn seriously, like it’s the most emotionally complex, powerful, moving art created, when it’s just a fucking soap opera, just like all the old shitty ones people laugh about now.

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same shit

fuck it. i’m just going to keep watching the same three shows i actually enjoy: twin peaks, adventure time, the wonder years.

adventure time is the best tv show since twin peaks.

i think most tv is shit. so a while ago when janine recommended ‘adventure time’ to me, i thought yeah right. more fucking crap. but right away, i fell in love with it. it’s so fun and crazy that it reminds me of a lot of anime i like, like ‘howl’s moving castle’ and ‘spirited away.’ each episode moves at light speed and there’s often no clear motivation for why any characters are doing anything except that “it’s awesome” or something like that. and to me, that’s way more realistic and believable than yet another love triangle that will end in disaster or more fucking incidental rock music during the ‘fun scene’ where the characters momentarily forget how bad their lives are and have a super crazy food fight and sing into broom handles and jump around together and realize how close they all really are BUT JUST UNTIL SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENS AND WE’RE LEFT WITH YET ANOTHER CLIFFHANGER TO KEEP US WAITING BREATHLESSLY FOR THE NEXT EPISODE!!!!!!!!…………

oh man, they’re so crazy and dysfunctional…but somehow they make it work!! AND THERE’S LOTS OF ROCK MUSIC!!!!!

fuck that shit. it’s nonsense, and totally predictable. it’s the same characters and the same romances and the same double- and triple-crosses that every other bullshit HBO tv show has been doing for fucking ever. and adventure time doesn’t do it.

adventure time comes up with random, weird, surprising shit, and there’s never any stupid double-crosses or love triangles. it’s just about pals having fun together, being good buddies. i guess i relate to that more than i do a bunch of fucking scoundrels creating constant, needless drama.

you know what, i guess it only makes perfect sense that i despise tv shows that are so focused on real life qualities i despise — i’m not just being an overly opinionated asshole about those shows. they legitimately offend me, whereas shows about good people having fun make me feel good. gee whiz. that was really simple but i never really thought about it like that.

adventure time and my blog just helped me realize yet another important self-awareness thing. that’s really kick ass.

fuck yeah

2014: well, that sucked

just kidding! i actually really enjoyed 2014. like, really enjoyed it. i dare say that i think it was one of the best years of my life. there was just so much stuff that felt great. for example…

i fixed up and sold 4wd tercel #6.

we spent a weekend in hot springs cove with some pals for my and jenn’s birthdays.

we played soccer with the gang for the first time in years, did lots of swimming and hanging out at the quarry and fish ladders, watched creepshow 2 on the side of the house and surely gave the neighbour kids nightmares for years to come, had a few campfires in the yard, got the chickens and subsequently fell madly in love with them, watched twin peaks from start to finish for the second time and was just as affected as the first time, got inspired and wrote a new song (first one in a year or two), road tripped to burning man and back, had an amazing and unpredictable halloween, spent 2 lovely weeks in kauai, had a wonderful festivus, xmas, and holiday season in general…

…and had many other hangouts and good times along the way i have either forgotten or are too numerous to mention.

i saw a lot of great bands this year, too: skinny puppy, die antwoord, obituary, death to all (a death tribute band), the cult, noisem, gorguts, probably some others too. way more than usual, and i had a lot of fun at all the shows.

and on top of all that stuff, i did a ton of boring crap around the house, which made me feel productive and happy. feeling productive and happy made me do more stuff, which made me more happy. it was a terrible snowball of positivity.

i looked up ‘positivity snowball’ and found this. no matter what i just said about positivity and snowballs, this inspirational poster is still a fucking turd. and who the hell is steve ferrante?

in fact, i had such a good time in 2014 that i don’t believe i can possibly maintain it into 2015. so i’m giving up. i’m going to hope for the best but expect the worst because that’s the only defense i can take against a fabulous year and the unrealistic expectations it creates.

so until next time or we all die, keep your sights low, everyone. happy new year.

“oh great, another year.”

mindless fucking shit tv

there are a lot of terrible fucking tv shows on these days, and everyone seems to be eating them up. game of thrones, breaking bad, true blood, orange is the new black, the walking dead, sons of anarchy, shameless, etc. they’re all crap. i don’t care how many people like them or how many ass-sucking critics rave about them, they’re trash. want to know why? because they’re all the exact same — predictable soap operas with a ‘gritty’ veneer.

that about sums it up.

i’ve watched more than i care to admit of each of those series (my wife loves trashy tv so i end up seeing or listening to a lot of it) and they all fall into the same typical trappings. love triangles, love betrayals, unrequited love, blah blah blah. throw some zombies or white trash living in with it and you’ve got a hit new series. i think it’s because college fuckheads these days like to think their tastes are really different from their parents, like they need grittier tv shows that they can relate to. i guess they don’t realize that they’re actually watching dallas or beverly hills 90210, just with vampires instead of rich texans or rich kids.

let me give an example. i heard a lot about breaking bad in particular and how i was really going to go nuts for it. it was fine…for a little bit. then they got to the standard heartfelt moment bullshit that i saw coming from a mile away: jesse starting dating some girl but it wasn’t going very well and he was really upset. then one day him and walter were working away making meth when walter asked jesse how things were with the girl. jesse responded with both hostility and vulnerability, “what do you care, old man?” the scenes illustrated that despite being a super bad, stupid kid who makes meth, jesse actually has real feelings. WHOAH. we also see that walt is actually starting to care about jesse. DOUBLE WHOAH. and guess what, we also see that jesse sees walt as some sort of father figure. WOW!!! this show really has it all. i mean, it’s so gritty and harsh but at the same time, we have these really real characters, people that i can totally relate to. now i know that even people who make meth are real people, just like me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this scene did a fantastic job of illustrating how MULTI-LAYERED and REAL jesse is. pfffffft fuck you

that’s fucking bullshit. it’s stupid and i predicted it all happening, and if i can predict where a show is going, there’s no need for me to watch it. these shows are all the same fucking turd, all polished up, and totally redundant.

similarly, i hate all the predictable double crosses that occur at the end of each and every goddamned scene. i get so sick of some queen or lord saying saying to some young scamp, “yes, i think we can help you…for a price. but we’ll discuss that later.” and then the scene ends showing either the queen or lord with a devious smile on their face, or the scamp with a look of terror on theirs because you just know that now they’re eventually going to have to betray their lover or sibling or best friend or fucking WHATEVER. snore.

oh, it’s so TENSE! who is he fucking over NOW? oh right, everyone. same as everyone else in every other scene, in every other show.

what else do i hate about these shows? their version of ‘gritty’. motherfuckers will say to me, “dude you’re gonna love true blood because it’s basically a porno/horror show, there’s so much gore and wicked sex!” yeah right. it only seems like porn/horror to people who have never actually seen either of those things. i’ve never gotten a single boner or been grossed out by any of these shows. they’re pathetic. if i want truly sadistic, fucked up shit, i’ll stick to antichrist, inland empire, and serbian film. if i want porn, i’ll watch the real thing, forgo all the insipid romance bullshit, and get to the point. i don’t want to waste my time watching a bunch of caressing and passionate kissing, I WANT PENETRATION.

i didn’t let my wife touch my dick for at least 30 minutes after watching antichrist.

but hey, let me go off about another breed of stupid, shitty tv shows: the office and parks and rec. how much longer are loser college kids going to find ‘awkward’ humour funny? i can basically sum up these entire shows in just a few lines.

normal guy: hey dean, have you got that report i asked you to type?
weird guy: i’d tell you but then i’d have to kill you.
[shaky camera zooms in on normal guy, normal guy stares at camera with an “okaaaaayyy, that’s random…” look on his face.]

ta-da! that’s it. another variation is that rather than be the aggressive weird type, the weird guy is overweight and hapless and does something that’s supposed to be cute, like dump a bag of skittles into his mouth and spill them all over the place in response to the question. hahahahaha! that’s so funny!

no, it’s not. it’s not funny at all. it’s goddamned stupid, and all the goddamned stupid college kids LOVE it.

what’s even worse is how the critics rave about all of the shows i just bitched about. they have convinced themselves that these shows really are good, and they’re convincing everyone else to watch them too. either the critics are the same fucking boneheads that actually watch that trash on a daily basis, or they live in fear of losing their jobs if they say a bad word about anything. professional critics are spineless mutant dickheads.

and that’s why i just keep watching twin peaks over and over. wait, that’s not true. i think 30 rock, arrested development, and family guy are really good. i’m also 6 episodes into hannibal and it’s ok so far too.