typical dickheads and their vehicles

man, i hate cliched drivers and vehicles. some people have no fucking clue who they are so they glom on to some ridiculous stereotype and try to be that. it’s pathetic. here are some i hate the most.

  • hot girls and jeeps (even though lots of hot girls with jeeps aren’t hot at all and just think that owning a jeep makes them hot — yeah right)

my loathing killed my boner

  • wannabe rednecks and giant, mint condition trucks (i have no problem with real rednecks who actually use their trucks to haul stuff)

rolled up sleeves on a plaid shirt. he must be serious.

  • yuppie douchebags and european luxury cars

smug.

  • tough hot girls and crotch rockets

acting tough doesn’t make you tough, or sexy. it makes you fake.

  • anyone acting tough on a ‘hog’

i will never understand biker culture. just riding bikes around for no reason sounds about as fun just driving my car around for no reason — boring and pointless.

there’s only one cliche that i can accept: skids and firebirds.

oh fuck yeah

i don’t care if i’m being inconsistent or playing favourites. i don’t think anyone besides me and a few people who never left the early 80’s think this is cool so you don’t see it too often anymore. i think that scarcity keeps this one special. plus i love the idea of driving like a maniac with a death wish, blaring wicked thrash metal records like ‘cowboys from hell’ and ‘justice for all,’ high as fuck on speed, and then wrapping the whole thing and myself around a tree. “if you’re going to go out, go out in a firebird,” i always say. all those other lame cliches are for pussies but this one is sick.

which brings me to my gofundme campaign. i would love — nay, i need to race around in a firebird, listening to metal while ripped out of my mind on speed. it’s always been my childhood dream! but sadly, i can’t afford it with my buttoned-down sane living. this is where YOU come in: YOU can make this dream a reality by buying it for me! just donate some money to me via my gofundme page and once i have enough, i’ll post a few pictures of me looking badass with my badass car before we go up in flames! this means a lot to me so please, give if you can.

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chickens. laundry lines. camp fires.

these are a few of my favourite things. har har.

it’s true though, and i’m a little surprised at how such simple things have unsuspectingly climbed their way to the top of my ‘fave things’ list. they’re all kind of old world things that remind me of homesteads or something.

i’ve said for years now that camp fires are nature’s tv. they’re a physical focal point that we gather around but they are superior to tv in that they are a focal point that does not consume us: you hang out by a fire and stare at it and poke it occasionally and roast hot dogs and bannock and marshmallows over it but through all of that, you’re still chatting with your pals. camp fires bring friends together and allows them to nurture (i hate that word) their relationships while also supplying a bunch of little activities. brilliant!

on the other hand, if i go to the pub and the tv is on and it’s got some stupid golf show bullshit that my friends and i couldn’t care less about, we still can’t help but stare at it, lose our train of thought, or stop talking altogether. it pretty much turns us into zombies. we may as well not even be hanging out at that point.

and anyone can have a camp fire. you just need paper, wood, and some matches. doesn’t cost much. tv’s cost hundreds (thousands now i guess, if you’re a yuppie loser) and cable tv is hundreds per month. what bullshit! fuck tv. fires rule.

i’ve mentioned hanging laundry to dry on my blog a few times before, i think. i started doing it 2 or 3 years ago after learning that clothes dryers are the single biggest power consumer in the average house. the first 2 times i hung the laundry to dry, i was annoyed at how long it took to get it on the line but by the third time i started to really dig it. it feels nice to not be in a rush, to slow down and take 10 minutes to stand in the sun and do a job. it’s amazing that the sun and wind can do just as good a job as an appliance like a dryer, and for free.

then once it’s all hung, i actually like to walk around and look at the laundry hanging there. it makes me feel like i’ve gone back in time 50 years to some simpler way of life. it also reminds me of lot of horror movies because it seems like a lot of the best horror flicks involve hanging laundry in september, just before someone gets slaughtered. wicked.

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i actually dress up like pennywise every time i do the laundry. jenn took this one of me yesterday.

the most recent addition to my list of wonderful old time-y things is our chickens.

hens

meet tasty, meaty, juicy, and tender.

jenn and i wanted chickens for a long time because we eat a ton of eggs. i did the math and we were spending something like $400/year on eggs (about 2 dozen eggs per week at $4/dozen). the chickens were only $15 each, and grain for them is peanuts. we might spend $100/year on it, and that’s a high estimate. but beyond that, i just fucking love the stupid beasts. i stand on the deck and watch them all the time, scratching and running around and staring up at me, waiting for more food. i love throwing them fruit scraps and watching them go nuts for them. i love collecting their eggs throughout the day. i love putting them to bed at night and petting them while they’re docile. and it’s just fucking amazing that in addition to bringing me so much joy just by virtue of being such stupid, simple creatures, they also produce more delicious free range eggs than i could ever possibly eat. i love my little ladies.

it’s the simple things in life.