i think it’s impossible to simultaneously wear shorts and look like an adult who isn’t a fucking geek

Over the last year or so, I’ve been making a slow but steady effort to start dressing my age more. There have been numerous times in the last 10 years that I have looked in the mirror and thought, “I look like fucking Max Cavalera. This is stupid,” but it’s been tough trying to find any look that I really like.

Not quite that gross, but pretty close

Too ‘rich guy being silly.’

Over time, I’ve managed to find a handful of clothing items I’m alright with that don’t make me look like an angsty teenager. Shorts are not one of those items.

Too ‘suburban dad.’

Too nerdy.

No, no, no, and no.

They all just look absurd to me — just as absurd as the camouflage shorts I’ve been wearing for all these years, just absurd in a different way. In fact, while looking for pics for this post, I found some advice from a menswear stylist for celebrities named Ashley Weston which echoes my own thoughts on the subject. She believes men should only wear shorts “in a very hot, tropical climate, or if they’re near the beach, on a boat, etc…To wear shorts outside of these contexts will make you look like a college kid or the stereotypical dad who wears clothing two sizes too big.” Hear hear! Ms. Weston goes on to say that if you insist on wearing shorts outside of those situations, “the sweet spot is about an inch above the knee. Anything past that and you’re venturing into little kid/European tourist land.”

Man, I’m glad someone else feels that men’s shorts are dangerous territory. I had been wondering if I was the only one. Unfortunately, Weston’s opinion doesn’t help me much in my quest for shorts — I insist on wearing them once it’s above 20 degrees C so I’m basically fucked, doomed to look like a college kid for the rest of my summer days. Following her advice, all I can do is try to find something about an inch above the knee.

My quest continues.

Hmmm, that’s about an inch…

(Addendum: I’ve since found some men’s shorts I like and had a change of heart on the topic. Read all the scintillating details here.)