vancouver island’s small towns – a review

Jenn and I just got back from spending three nights on Cortes Island. We were really glad to finally get over there and do some exploring, and today I thought it would be fun to do some quick, ruthless reviews of all the small towns on Vancouver Island we have visited over the years.

• Port Hardy – 3/10. Only spent a half day there so far so all I have is a first impression but it is this: not very interesting, not a lot of spunk or personality. At least there is some actual stuff there though, it’s not a ghost town. Great if you love fishing, which we don’t.
• Port McNeill – 5/10. Small and ugly but it’s got a tiny bit of charm to it. The giant burls are silly but actually pretty amazing. It’s showing signs of revitalization, what with the new brew pub that is always busy. We ate there and were impressed at how good the food was. There’s a tiny but decent thrift store.
• Port Alice – 2/10. Sad. Economically depressed. Nothing going on. Not many folks around and the few we saw all looked broke, weird, and/or had substance abuse issues. Too bad because there is lots of cool shit just outside of it in the woods to check out.
• Sointula – 9/10. Love it. Getting off the ferry here is like stepping back into the 50’s. Great sense of community. Tons of interesting houses. Very cute and adequate grocery store and hardware store. Shockingly decent thrift store. There are way more great hikes than the community lets on but I think they try to downplay them to keep tourists away.
• Alert Bay – 7/10. Pretty touristy so it’s not my thing but I applaud the indigenous community here for doing such a good job of marketing the island. For such a tiny island there are way more services than other comparably-sized towns. Solid sense of community.
• Woss – 6/10. Weird and sad but I love Woss. It’s basically a giant trailer park. Lots of cool shit around it in the woods and down the logging roads. The general store is very 70s-ish. Woss is hot as hell in the summer, cold as ice in the winter so we think of it as the Kamloops of the island. We had “dinner” at the pub once and it was incredibly sad and gross and funny, which is basically our wheelhouse. We were the only customers there, seemed like there hadn’t been any other customers for days, when Jenn asked about IPA’s, the lone weird guy working gave her a mystified look and asked “what’s that? We just have Lucky and Budweiser.” The appies we ordered were still frozen in the middle. God bless Woss. I want to do a xmas light tour there ASAP. Woss Lookout is a heck of a hike, and an unsung jewel of the north island.
• Zeballos – 3/10. Tiny, odd, also sad, but kind of neat. Met some friendly locals there. There is one fantastic view of waterfalls on the road Zeballos, and Little Huson Cave is just off the same road and is probably the single biggest must-see of the north island.
• Sayward – 4/10. Had an eerie Twin Peaks vibe when we camped there. Found lots of good hiking trails to neat places. Camping in town is neat. You think it would be noisy and shitty but in such a dead little place, it’s actually very quiet and nice. Plus we had a stunning view of marine fog rolling inland and over Sayward Mountain, which was breathtaking. There was an amazing diner here called the Cable House Restaurant but it’s gone now, sadly. It was fucking excellent.
• Quadra Island – 2/10. It really seems like Quadra should have more going on in terms of community and personality. We have been there a few times and found it dull and largely ugly. Weird place, in a bad way. The north end of it is more interesting with some good hiking and swimming but that’s it.
• Cortes Island – 5/10. Hornby Island gets all the fame as ground zero for hippies but its become so touristy that I think Cortes actually has this crown now. Lots of militant, extreme, old fashioned hippies. Lots of signs on every hike like “STAY ON THE PATH, EVERY STEP YOU TAKE ON THE MOSS DOES DAMAGE THAT WILL TAKE DECADES TO HEAL.” There aren’t a ton of people on the island and they are very spread out so it doesn’t feel like a strong community but I get the feeling it is. We really enjoyed Easter Bluff, Manson’s Landing, and Peter’s Orchard. The free store was actually quite decent too.
• Campbell River – 6/10. I know, CR is too big to qualify for this ‘small town’ list but I like it too much not to include it, and too many south islanders don’t know shit about it. There is so much great camping and hiking nearby, and some amazing eating too — The Ideal Cafe and Perk’s Donuts are two of my fave stops to make when passing through. But also, I like the old, shitty, working class town/redneck vibe of CR. It reminds me of what Duncan felt like when I was a kid.
• Gold River – 3/10. Not much here unless you are a retiree who loves to fish but somehow, it still seems like a pretty healthy little community. The grocery store closed down a number of years ago so you have to drive to Campbell River for pretty much anything which is nuts to me but despite this, the town still seems to be doing ok. I love that it’s right in the middle of Strathcona Park. If you were young and healthy enough and able to work from home in Gold River, you could do so much exploring in Strathcona, which would be pretty cool.
• Tahsis – 1/10. Tahsis is my least favourite of all the small towns we’ve visited on the island. It’s poor and ugly and that’s about it. I’ve heard some young people have started moving there or at least buying vacation property there so maybe it’s changed since Jenn and I went there several years ago but when I went, it was primarily comprised of poor white trash on social assistance living in rotten houses. The museum was a portable building with nothing from the last 35 years because the town has done nothing but languish since the mill closed. There is a cave just off the road on the drive to Tahsis and that was the only neat thing I remember from our trip there.
• Denman Island – 3/10. I’m definitely uninformed about Denman, I really only passed through it on the way to Hornby, and I haven’t been to Hornby in 10 years so take my rating with a grain of salt. I remember thinking it seemed boring.
• Hornby Island – 6/10. It’s too touristy but there is still has some magic to it. I like the community center movie night, I like the free store, there are some lovely beaches, I liked how remote Ford Cove felt. Helliwell is cool too. Strong sense of community.
• Texada Island – 3/10. Texada is interesting because it’s a gulf island so you expect it to have hippie vibes but it was largely industry-based, and even though those industries are shut down now, the asshole rednecks are still there. Not a very friendly place. We found one cool hike. Oh, the museum there was actually really well done, surprisingly. The abandoned quarries with their aquamarine-coloured water were insanely beautiful.

• Power River – 7/10. Yeah it’s on the mainland. Sue me. We really liked Powell River. Townsite, aka the old section, has so many cool heritage buildings. The new section isn’t very special but it has everything you could need in a mid-sized town. Lots of neat surrounding areas too, like Cranberry. Magpie’s Diner was excellent, and very popular. Lots of great camping and hiking around Powell River.
• Port Alberni – 8/10. I think Port Alberni is generally underrated. The thrift stores there are fantastic. I LOVE the J&L Diner. I haven’t been to The Donut Shop but have heard high praise of it from numerous people. Port Alberni is doing a great job of riding the line between ‘total shit hole’ and ‘revitalized/gentrified community,’ it’s got the best aspects of both of those things. If only it weren’t so fucking hot there in the summer.
• Tofino – 2/10. Boring. Too much surfer bro/hipster culture there. Too many tourists too. Some great restaurants though.
• Ucluelet – 3/10. Tofino’s less touristy sibling. Still a lot of surfer bro’s and hipsters but not as many, and not as many tourists. There are a few cool shops and bakeries. There is one nice walk. But if you don’t surf, there’s still not much here for you, and I don’t surf.
• Lake Cowichan/Mesachie Lake/Honeymoon Bay – 7/10. This trio is actually pretty cool. They also strike a good balance between being economical depressed/sad and funny but not too much so. We got deep fried ice cream in Lake Cow the last time we went camping out that way and it was fucking awesome. There is some great camping past Honeymoon Bay, fantastic spelunking (that’s caving for the uninitiated) and a crashed WWII plane up on a mountain.

I know there are others, like Port Renfrew and Cumberland, but I’ve only spent a few minutes in those places so I’m even less qualified to comment on them than I am these above ones. But heck, looking back at this list I’m pretty impressed with myself. I’m glad I’ve gotten out and checked out so many places around here.

2019 recap

Here we go, my third annual ‘year in review’ post that no one but me and perhaps a few of my closest friends will give a toss about! Don’t care, I like it.

• Had a marvelous time ringing in the new year at Ben and Madeline’s place.
• We got a ton of snow in February which sucked for work but was beautiful outside of that. So many nice hikes with the dog then.
• Broke my damn illness-free streak when I caught a cold or flu in March. I think I had gone over three years without getting sick which is pretty impressive.
• For my birthday we got a whole bunch of friends together for dinner at Romeo’s and then bowling at Duncan Lanes. I hadn’t been too keen on it, being both sick and not wild about bowling, but Jenn convinced me to do it and I ended up having a shockingly good time.
• In April I adopted a Svart Hona rooster chick that I named Gaahl. He bonded with our old hen, Big Red, and it was absolutely beautiful. Then something (our dog, I think) killed Gaahl and I was the most heartbroken I’ve been in at least 10 years. Maybe 20. I don’t know why but Gaahl’s death really shook me up.
• Also in April, I hurt my back real fucking bad. I had been getting firewood from a weird lady in Duncan, overdoing it and pushing myself too hard, and eventually something happened and I was in a bad way for a long time. It wasn’t until the end of summer that I finally had a bunch of my range of motion back. That really sucked.
• In May, we went camping on the mainland with a bunch of our pals from over there. It was a great time, catching up with old pals and making some new friends. Tony cooked a turkey in the camp fire and we ate it. That was legendary. Checked out some neat little old towns on the way there and back.
• Jenn and I went up to Sointula pretty consistently over the summer and got lots done on the cabin. We put the roofing over the deck, installed the propane appliances that we had removed from the camper, put up the siding and exterior trim, and Jenn painted lots. We were in disbelief on the drive home after finishing the siding because, all of a sudden, we were no longer under the gun to plan the next steps and hurry back to do them — we can finally slow down and work at whatever pace we want, and holy hell is that liberating. We celebrated by getting Blizzards at DQ on the drive home (they’re never as good as you think they’ll be) and then picking up Indian food at a restaurant we love in Duncan.
• In August, Jenn and I rented a tent trailer and had “the best worst little road trip.” We camped in Gold River, Woss, and Zeballos, and it was fucking awesome. The weather was almost perfect and we saw tons of weird remote town stuff, and a lot of breathtakingly beautiful stuff too. Vernon Lake, Woss Falls, Little Huson Cave, and the waterfalls on the Zeballos highway were all stunners. Oh, the cinnamon buns at the Roberts Lake restaurant were to die for. TO DIE FOR.
• Jenn took her horse in lots of competitions, clinics, and even a multi-night camping trip. It was nice to see her finally getting to do what she loves to do after investing so much time into the horse.
• We entered lots of stuff in the Cobble Hill Fair and Jenn did great but I did poorly. I learned a lesson about how important it is to lose regularly because as adults, we get accustomed to not losing, and that makes it harder to accept when we do finally lose. Just as kids need to lose so they know what it’s like and that it’s ok, adults need to be reminded too. So I was ultimately grateful for losing. Go figure.
• Sean couldn’t take part in our Misfits cover band this year so I ended up singing and Dana joined us on guitar. It went smashingly. It was a lot of fun to practice, and the show went great too. We finally headlined the Halloween punk cover band show and it was awesome. The crowd was really into it which was nice to see. I chipped a tooth when someone jumped on stage and bashed the mic into my mouth. I was grateful for that too. Being grateful for bad shit is my new thing.
• I volunteered for the third year in a row at the Glenora Haunted Hall. It was fine but I didn’t feel the same excitement this year and I’m not sure why, probably because I’m used to the routine now. But I was also a little disappointed with my section of the hall because I put in a ton of effort and worked on crazy details but no one got to appreciate those things because people don’t stand still and take in all that shit when they’re in a haunted house — they just run through it, pretty much. So I decided to do something totally different next year, something much more lo-fi and “jump out and say BOO”-ish.
• I got a harvest gold stove and matching hood for it. As if that wasn’t enough, I also picked up a harvest gold fridge and another stove that were sickeningly filthy. I spent 20+ hours cleaning the fridge, and transplanted some parts from the second stove onto the first. They’re awesome. My obsession with ugly old shit continues.
• I gave away five of my hens that I didn’t feel much connection to and bought five young black sex-links. So far the new ones have been really friendly, and easy to train. I’m thrilled with them.
• Jenn and I hosted our friends’ 22nd annual Festivus and it was a gooder. Lots of people, lots of fun. The last several Festivus’ (Festivi?) have been a bit more tame, which is fine, but we were both happy to have a good old fashioned ‘big party’ again. As we get older, big parties become harder and harder to make happen so I often wonder, “was that the last big party we’ll ever host?” Only time will tell. I guess if you’re rich enough, you can have big parties right up until you die. That’s something to consider.
• Our holiday season was nice this year. We just counted and there were 12 social events throughout the month, with most of those being in the last week and a half of the month. It was almost too much stuff, but not quite — it straddled the line really well. Xmas morning together this year was especially nice.
• New Year’s Eve 2019 was a weird non-event in multiple ways. We had thought about going to Sointula for a dance at the hall but decided to stay close to home instead since we have another trip planned soon, and then learned the dance was cancelled anyway due to low ticket sales, which is really sad. Then we decided it might be nice to have a camp fire on a beach in Mill Bay and watch the fireworks in Victoria, but the weather forecast called for a dump of rain all night so that was out. Luckily, Lindy decided to host a party so we planned on going to that…until I had a painful episode of gallstones just before we were supposed to leave. I drove Jenn and Liz there and then came home to puke and sweat the rest of the way through it. It was windy as all hell and the power went out in the middle of all of this. What a night. I’m sick of these stomach pains so I think 2020 is the year this dang gall bladder comes out.

And that was 2019 in a nutshell. I have lots of great memories from it. I can’t complain.

new year’s eve in buttfuck nowhere

New Year’s Eve is approaching, and my mind drifted to it while I was just doing yoga. I’ve really enjoyed the last few NYE parties but I always get a little anxious at this time of year because I wonder if anyone is going to host a party, if it’s going to be any good, should we consider going to a nightclub, or if we should try something sedate and/or intimate. This year is no different in that regard.

While I was down dogging it, I started wondering what NYE would be like in one of the tiny, sad, fascinating towns on the island that we’ve checked out over the years — Gold River, Tahsis, Sayward, Woss, Zeballos, Port McNeill, Sointula, Port Hardy. What will be happening in those places on the big night? Sad house parties? Sad little dance with live music by a lousy band at the community center? Sad night at the gross little local bar? One never knows. And you also never know if those things will actually be that bad. They could be amazing, or they could simultaneously be sad AND amazing, and I find that latter possibility extremely enticing.

I’m not sure what we’re going to do for NYE yet so I’m going to broach the topic with Jenn soon, and might suggest we consider trying something a little weird this year. I’m personally very curious to see what NYE in Woss looks like.

Woss is pretty much a big trailer park of retired folks, a few young people who still work in forestry, a weird gas station/general store, and one of the saddest bars I’ve ever seen. Last summer the bar was empty except for us, and only had one strange, stunned guy working it who reminded me of a character from any 80’s movie. He was washing dishes in the back like crazy, as if the place had been hopping busy just before we got there. The only beers they had were Lucky and Budweiser, and the jalapeno poppers and mozza sticks we ordered were still frozen on the inside when we got them. It was a hell of an experience so I’m sort of dying to know what a ‘big’ night there would entail.