i walk into a sketchy situation to buy a guitar amp

A few weeks ago, Jenn and I were in Sointula. I was looking on fb marketplace and saw a Boss Katana 50-watt guitar amp for sale in Port Hardy for $200. Ben has that amp and I like it, plus that’s a good price for one, plus I’ve been thinking about getting a little practice amp for a while, plus we were heading to Port Hardy that day for other stuff, so it seemed meant to be — except for the fact that the ad was a little dubious. It read a bit like a scam, like AI had written it. There was just something off about it. The seller eventually edited the ad, at which point I took a picture of it to document the experience. Here is the text from his edited ad:

Brand new, great 50 Watt Combo Performer or Studio Application. The Katana is a “Modelling” amplifier. Big enough to perform or fantastic in the Studio as an Interface, brand new, used it twice so here’s your deal. I’ll drop it off anytime that suits. I’ll require a e-transfer for any hold/pending arrangements, sorry, basically giving stuff away sucks, Amazon has this Amplifier, you’ll pay taxes and shipping unless your a prime subscriber, come on by and try it out, brand new amplifier just got no time. I sell minor it goes to the “Pawn Shoop” , I need to take care of business.

This version definitely has less scam vibes and more ‘sad desperate old addict’ vibes so I wish I had captured that first version. Anyway, regardless of the scam vibe I reached out to the seller. Here is our convo.

***

Me: Hi r u free this morning? I’ll be in Hardy from 10 to about 11.

Don: Yes, and quite frankly it’s become necessary for me to sell the brand new Boss Kantana Amplifier. I’m available as soon you require. My cellular number is xxx-xxx-xxxx, I’m at the Airport Inn and ready to make some arrangements. My name is Don, call me when you get this message and we’ll hopefully move forward in this first thing. Thank you, I look forward to hearing from you

Me: Ok sounds good. I’ll call when we get to Hardy

Don: Okay m, just had a party message me about the new Boss, I have a Gibson SG 60’s series guitar you can try the amp with no problem my friend, this other guy is in a panic so the sooner we get on top of this the better, again my cellular is xxx-xxx-xxxx my name is Don and I’m presently staying at the Airport Inn, room #xxx

***

At this point I noticed that Don had raised the price of the amp to $250 on the ad but hadn’t mentioned it to me.

***

Me: Hi I just noticed u changed the price of ur amp? It was $200 this morning so that’s what I grabbed at the bank

Don: Yup a guy offered me that but did not commit with the e-transfer, so I’ll reconfigure, I don’t have the time to make arrangements with no commitments, life is a busy place and time is a commodity that I have the least of.

***

This was when Don edited the ad and made it more ‘sad’ than ‘scam.’ He also stopped responding to me here.

***

Me: Ok. I just looked up the airport inn, looks like it’s just south of Hardy. Is that right? If so we will come by on our way back to McNeill. Probably around 11/11:30 but I will message when we r leaving Hardy. Does that work for u?

[no response]

Hi, I just called and left a voice mail. We r leaving Hardy now, Siri says we should get there in about 15 mins

[no response]

We r here

[no response]

***

I had looked at Don’s fb profile and there were no pics of him but there were lots of pics of Harley Davidson junk and motorcycle memes. These complemented the ‘sad old desperate addict’ picture of Don I already had in my head so I felt comfortable walking into Don’s lair at the airport hotel. Jenn and I got to the hotel and it actually wasn’t quite as bad as I had anticipated but I had expected utter filth so that’s really not saying much. I went into the hotel. It smelled bad. I found Don’s room. The door was open and a rough-looking, white, middle-aged female house cleaner was working in there. I could hear Don’s voice, he was chewing the cleaner’s ear off while she worked but she was largely ignoring him. And finally, I came around the corner and laid eyes on Don. He was exactly what I had imagined: 60-ish, vacant half-cut alcoholic eyes, dressed head to toe in biker shit. Bad teeth. Grey pony tail. He stood up to shake my hand and was incredibly sore and stiff, he moved like a 90-yr old despite having a thick build and being a bit overweight. He transitioned from chewing the house cleaner’s ear off to chewing mine off. He talked about how this amp puts the power in THE MUSICIAN’S hands, now you don’t need big fancy studios to get great sounds, every musician has access to it now with modern technology, etc. Talked about how he used to work in big studios, lots of experience, but the things these new amps could do really blew him away. He just kept going and I realized he wasn’t really too present so I was able to ignore him and just make occasional “mmm, right” remarks while I plugged in the amp and tested it. He barely took a breath the 5-10 minutes I was there. Talked about how he had moved to Port Hardy three years ago but things hadn’t really panned out so he was moving back to Ontario but he had a truck with a 6-inch lift and some kind of Harley Davidson bike and the bike wouldn’t fit in the back of the truck, etc. I figured once I pulled out the $200 cash he would finally come out of his non-stop talking trance but nope, it kept going. I basically had to shove the money into his hand and cut him off to say thanks and leave. As I was walking out I heard the house cleaner ask, “Don, do you want me to get rid of your empties or do you want me to leave them for you?” I wish I was able to hear his response. I could picture him asking her to leave them so he could get the $1.50 deposit back and put that toward his next booze purchase. Sad.

But I got a decent little amp for a great price, and another weird story out of it, so all’s well that ends well. Cheers to Don.

port hardy, 2023

Jenn and I went to Port Hardy a few weeks ago and it was amazing. It reminds me of Duncan before Duncan started gentrifying — it’s the kind of shit town that I love, the perfect blend of depressing yet functional. We went to the Thunderbird Mall because we were looking for some Chinese food place that had bubble tea, but we happened upon something much more special, because the mall was a ghost town. The only shop still operating there was a Chinese food place, but we knew the second we saw it that it was definitely not the one we had heard about, the one with bubble tea. No, this one was utterly filthy and had hand-scrawled signs. The two Asian people working there were sitting there doing nothing (because there was no one in the mall except for a few sad souls who were basically there just to warm up), and we could barely understand them when we approached. One of them was literally gnawing on a big old beef bone right in front of us. It felt surreal, like I was in a discarded episode of Twin Peaks. Jenn felt bad for them so she suggested we get lunch there. I said “hell no” but Jenn went for it anyway and what do you know, the food was actually fantastic, far superior to any other Chinese food I’ve ever had before. Lesson being, always trust the Asian who doesn’t speak English and gnaws bones in public, shamelessly? Perhaps.

We walked around the mall and took it all in. The spots for businesses were all empty. There was an inexplicable arcade with the machines all on, and we wondered when anyone last played any of them. Jenn put her money in one and it ate it, didn’t let her play. It was perfect. There were the silly little rides for kids, you know, like a horse or a race car that the kid sits in, you put a quarter in the machine and it jostles the kid around for a minute. Again, when did ANYONE last sit on these? Days, weeks, months ago? Years, maybe. The brick/tiles were a beautiful 80’s/90’s colour, and reminded me of the Duncan mall in its heyday. Actually the design of the whole mall reminded me of it. It was a small mall, like the Duncan one, basically just a ‘+’ with a small hub/food court at the intersection in the center.

Near the “food court” (lol) area where we ate our delicious yet questionable Chinese food was a gift card rack, but instead of gift cards it was full of old photographs of mall events from way back. This was also surreal — who took all these photos, who held on to them all these years, why had they put them out for the public (of which there was none) to peruse like this? It was like an art piece in the desert, something that has been done despite knowing no one may ever see it. I wanted to cry, it was all so painfully nostalgic and wonderful. The photos were amazing. We took pics of our favourite ones.

That mall looks to be going the same way as the Duncan mall did, in that the mall is slowly being swallowed by box stores that utilize the building but are not connected to each other through the giant halls of the mall. For some reason, box stores prefer you enter and exit them from a parking lot entrance. I wonder why that is. I would think you would maybe attract more customers if people had to walk by your cute little mall entrance on their way to the Dollar Store. Maybe the stigma of the mall is too much though, maybe customers prefer to avoid the sad, ugly, old, dead mall. That makes sense. Anyway, it made me incredibly grateful that we saw that mall in this state while we could, because it can’t last. It will either die and and be demolished, or it will transform as the boring box stores swallow all of the mall’s dated interior, empty shops, forgotten arcade games and rides, etc. Got to catch these magical times before they disappear.

Swipe below to look through my various Thunderbird Mall pics.

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vancouver island’s small towns – a review

Jenn and I just got back from spending three nights on Cortes Island. We were really glad to finally get over there and do some exploring, and today I thought it would be fun to do some quick, ruthless reviews of all the small towns on Vancouver Island we have visited over the years.

• Port Hardy – 3/10. Only spent a half day there so far so all I have is a first impression but it is this: not very interesting, not a lot of spunk or personality. At least there is some actual stuff there though, it’s not a ghost town. Great if you love fishing, which we don’t.
• Port McNeill – 5/10. Small and ugly but it’s got a tiny bit of charm to it. The giant burls are silly but actually pretty amazing. It’s showing signs of revitalization, what with the new brew pub that is always busy. We ate there and were impressed at how good the food was. There’s a tiny but decent thrift store.
• Port Alice – 2/10. Sad. Economically depressed. Nothing going on. Not many folks around and the few we saw all looked broke, weird, and/or had substance abuse issues. Too bad because there is lots of cool shit just outside of it in the woods to check out.
• Sointula – 9/10. Love it. Getting off the ferry here is like stepping back into the 50’s. Great sense of community. Tons of interesting houses. Very cute and adequate grocery store and hardware store. Shockingly decent thrift store. There are way more great hikes than the community lets on but I think they try to downplay them to keep tourists away.
• Alert Bay – 7/10. Pretty touristy so it’s not my thing but I applaud the indigenous community here for doing such a good job of marketing the island. For such a tiny island there are way more services than other comparably-sized towns. Solid sense of community.
• Woss – 6/10. Weird and sad but I love Woss. It’s basically a giant trailer park. Lots of cool shit around it in the woods and down the logging roads. The general store is very 70s-ish. Woss is hot as hell in the summer, cold as ice in the winter so we think of it as the Kamloops of the island. We had “dinner” at the pub once and it was incredibly sad and gross and funny, which is basically our wheelhouse. We were the only customers there, seemed like there hadn’t been any other customers for days, when Jenn asked about IPA’s, the lone weird guy working gave her a mystified look and asked “what’s that? We just have Lucky and Budweiser.” The appies we ordered were still frozen in the middle. God bless Woss. I want to do a xmas light tour there ASAP. Woss Lookout is a heck of a hike, and an unsung jewel of the north island.
• Zeballos – 3/10. Tiny, odd, also sad, but kind of neat. Met some friendly locals there. There is one fantastic view of waterfalls on the road Zeballos, and Little Huson Cave is just off the same road and is probably the single biggest must-see of the north island.
• Sayward – 4/10. Had an eerie Twin Peaks vibe when we camped there. Found lots of good hiking trails to neat places. Camping in town is neat. You think it would be noisy and shitty but in such a dead little place, it’s actually very quiet and nice. Plus we had a stunning view of marine fog rolling inland and over Sayward Mountain, which was breathtaking. There was an amazing diner here called the Cable House Restaurant but it’s gone now, sadly. It was fucking excellent.
• Quadra Island – 2/10. It really seems like Quadra should have more going on in terms of community and personality. We have been there a few times and found it dull and largely ugly. Weird place, in a bad way. The north end of it is more interesting with some good hiking and swimming but that’s it.
• Cortes Island – 5/10. Hornby Island gets all the fame as ground zero for hippies but its become so touristy that I think Cortes actually has this crown now. Lots of militant, extreme, old fashioned hippies. Lots of signs on every hike like “STAY ON THE PATH, EVERY STEP YOU TAKE ON THE MOSS DOES DAMAGE THAT WILL TAKE DECADES TO HEAL.” There aren’t a ton of people on the island and they are very spread out so it doesn’t feel like a strong community but I get the feeling it is. We really enjoyed Easter Bluff, Manson’s Landing, and Peter’s Orchard. The free store was actually quite decent too.
• Campbell River – 6/10. I know, CR is too big to qualify for this ‘small town’ list but I like it too much not to include it, and too many south islanders don’t know shit about it. There is so much great camping and hiking nearby, and some amazing eating too — The Ideal Cafe and Perk’s Donuts are two of my fave stops to make when passing through. But also, I like the old, shitty, working class town/redneck vibe of CR. It reminds me of what Duncan felt like when I was a kid.
• Gold River – 3/10. Not much here unless you are a retiree who loves to fish but somehow, it still seems like a pretty healthy little community. The grocery store closed down a number of years ago so you have to drive to Campbell River for pretty much anything which is nuts to me but despite this, the town still seems to be doing ok. I love that it’s right in the middle of Strathcona Park. If you were young and healthy enough and able to work from home in Gold River, you could do so much exploring in Strathcona, which would be pretty cool.
• Tahsis – 1/10. Tahsis is my least favourite of all the small towns we’ve visited on the island. It’s poor and ugly and that’s about it. I’ve heard some young people have started moving there or at least buying vacation property there so maybe it’s changed since Jenn and I went there several years ago but when I went, it was primarily comprised of poor white trash on social assistance living in rotten houses. The museum was a portable building with nothing from the last 35 years because the town has done nothing but languish since the mill closed. There is a cave just off the road on the drive to Tahsis and that was the only neat thing I remember from our trip there.
• Denman Island – 3/10. I’m definitely uninformed about Denman, I really only passed through it on the way to Hornby, and I haven’t been to Hornby in 10 years so take my rating with a grain of salt. I remember thinking it seemed boring.
• Hornby Island – 6/10. It’s too touristy but there is still has some magic to it. I like the community center movie night, I like the free store, there are some lovely beaches, I liked how remote Ford Cove felt. Helliwell is cool too. Strong sense of community.
• Texada Island – 3/10. Texada is interesting because it’s a gulf island so you expect it to have hippie vibes but it was largely industry-based, and even though those industries are shut down now, the asshole rednecks are still there. Not a very friendly place. We found one cool hike. Oh, the museum there was actually really well done, surprisingly. The abandoned quarries with their aquamarine-coloured water were insanely beautiful.

• Power River – 7/10. Yeah it’s on the mainland. Sue me. We really liked Powell River. Townsite, aka the old section, has so many cool heritage buildings. The new section isn’t very special but it has everything you could need in a mid-sized town. Lots of neat surrounding areas too, like Cranberry. Magpie’s Diner was excellent, and very popular. Lots of great camping and hiking around Powell River.
• Port Alberni – 8/10. I think Port Alberni is generally underrated. The thrift stores there are fantastic. I LOVE the J&L Diner. I haven’t been to The Donut Shop but have heard high praise of it from numerous people. Port Alberni is doing a great job of riding the line between ‘total shit hole’ and ‘revitalized/gentrified community,’ it’s got the best aspects of both of those things. If only it weren’t so fucking hot there in the summer.
• Tofino – 2/10. Boring. Too much surfer bro/hipster culture there. Too many tourists too. Some great restaurants though.
• Ucluelet – 3/10. Tofino’s less touristy sibling. Still a lot of surfer bro’s and hipsters but not as many, and not as many tourists. There are a few cool shops and bakeries. There is one nice walk. But if you don’t surf, there’s still not much here for you, and I don’t surf.
• Lake Cowichan/Mesachie Lake/Honeymoon Bay – 7/10. This trio is actually pretty cool. They also strike a good balance between being economical depressed/sad and funny but not too much so. We got deep fried ice cream in Lake Cow the last time we went camping out that way and it was fucking awesome. There is some great camping past Honeymoon Bay, fantastic spelunking (that’s caving for the uninitiated) and a crashed WWII plane up on a mountain.

I know there are others, like Port Renfrew and Cumberland, but I’ve only spent a few minutes in those places so I’m even less qualified to comment on them than I am these above ones. But heck, looking back at this list I’m pretty impressed with myself. I’m glad I’ve gotten out and checked out so many places around here.

new year’s eve in buttfuck nowhere

New Year’s Eve is approaching, and my mind drifted to it while I was just doing yoga. I’ve really enjoyed the last few NYE parties but I always get a little anxious at this time of year because I wonder if anyone is going to host a party, if it’s going to be any good, should we consider going to a nightclub, or if we should try something sedate and/or intimate. This year is no different in that regard.

While I was down dogging it, I started wondering what NYE would be like in one of the tiny, sad, fascinating towns on the island that we’ve checked out over the years — Gold River, Tahsis, Sayward, Woss, Zeballos, Port McNeill, Sointula, Port Hardy. What will be happening in those places on the big night? Sad house parties? Sad little dance with live music by a lousy band at the community center? Sad night at the gross little local bar? One never knows. And you also never know if those things will actually be that bad. They could be amazing, or they could simultaneously be sad AND amazing, and I find that latter possibility extremely enticing.

I’m not sure what we’re going to do for NYE yet so I’m going to broach the topic with Jenn soon, and might suggest we consider trying something a little weird this year. I’m personally very curious to see what NYE in Woss looks like.

Woss is pretty much a big trailer park of retired folks, a few young people who still work in forestry, a weird gas station/general store, and one of the saddest bars I’ve ever seen. Last summer the bar was empty except for us, and only had one strange, stunned guy working it who reminded me of a character from any 80’s movie. He was washing dishes in the back like crazy, as if the place had been hopping busy just before we got there. The only beers they had were Lucky and Budweiser, and the jalapeno poppers and mozza sticks we ordered were still frozen on the inside when we got them. It was a hell of an experience so I’m sort of dying to know what a ‘big’ night there would entail.