precipice

I just went for a run. First one in a long time, six weeks or more I think. We have been here a month and I haven’t run here, and I know I didn’t run for at least a few weeks prior to moving, maybe a month even, so it’s been a while. It felt great. Moving just feels good. I love weight training and stretching and drumming and hiking too but I enjoy them all equally so if I don’t do one of those, I miss it. I can’t just be like “I’m only gonna hike this month,” that would get old fast, and I wouldn’t get the enjoyment of mixing it up and doing all these things I dig.

Tomorrow is the summer solstice. June 20, 2024 AD. It’s been light out so goddamned late here, it’s been driving me insane. Same with the daylight starting at 5 am. Utter madness. I was so happy when I realized this shit is almost over, that the days will finally start shortening. Thank goodness for small miracles. That said, I’m really glad we listed our house when we did, that it sold as quickly as it did, and we got up here when we did, because all the daylight has definitely been helpful in terms of fighting any anxiety or depression that could be linked to this move — that was part of our plan, we didn’t want to move here in winter because the darkness would make the big transition and all the feelings that go along with it even harder, and it has worked out well. I’ve definitely been a tad more emotional than usual but it’s negligible, and surely way better than I would have been had we moved here in November or something.

Ok I was lazy yesterday and didn’t finish this. Now it’s the solstice! I don’t really care but it is kind of neat. I feel like every solstice and equinox is kind of special for some reason. I guess they are in terms of seasons, and seasons rule our lives even in this modern age when so many of us are so disconnected from, or at least oblivious to, nature. So I guess it is significant, even if it’s not obvious to me because I’m distracted with blogging or texting with Cody about how shitty all the coffee shops in Stanch are. I like that.

^{I love this shit.}

Today I’m going camping with Jenn and the horses in Campbell River and Comox for a few nights. I’ve only been off Malcolm Island once since we moved up here, and that was just an annoying day in Port McNeill when we had to drop her truck off there to get repaired so I barely count it. I’m looking forward to this trip, going to the “big smoke” (lol) and getting bubble tea, doing errands and taking care of a bunch of crap that’s been on my to-do list for a while, and of course taking some time off to relax with Jenn after these busy, stressful few months. I feel like I’m too pumped about this little trip, that I’m going to be let down by it because I’ll have forgotten how annoying running lots of errands in town is, so I’m trying to temper my expectations. Wish me luck.

islande

I didn’t work at all during the month of May because we needed to focus on moving. It was weird. I knew I would be busy of course but I expected it to still be nice somehow, at least a bit chill, but it wasn’t at all. May was stressful as tits and full of moving lots and lots of heavy things. It didn’t feel good and wasn’t satisfying. The whole month basically sucked, despite having all that time away from my job.

And now I’ve been back to work for the last two weeks, and have actually been working more than I usually did at my last place. I was supposed to have yesterday off but I ended up picking up a weird half-shift thing. I actually have all of today off, and go back to work tomorrow for three days. And it’s weird, even though I worked long hours for the last five days, only have today off, and then go back for three more long days starting tomorrow, I feel good and am excited about having today free.

Part of that is probably due to being done with the move and the stress that goes along with it but I still can’t help wondering how much of my appreciation for time off now is because I’m back at work, and if some of my lack of appreciation for all the time off in May was because I had too much of it. You know, not having days at work to compare the days off to, not having light to compare the dark to, “too much of a good thing,” yada yada. Who knows. I imagine this is one of those questions humans have been pondering since the dawn of our race.

Whatever. I’m going to work on some nesting boxes for my chickens in a few minutes and I’m pleased as punch about it. That will probably end once I put a screw through my hand though.

break time

I’m taking a break from setting up the house in Sointula and feel like writing so here goes.

Things are going well, and I’m gradually feeling better here, easing into the new living situation. We have the house mostly set up now, which makes me feel way better — I can’t stand a dirty house so living in one that is an explosion of boxes and packing paper and chaos AND filthy was really stressing me to the tits. We’re still not done, my music room and the workshop need to be set up and I still need to clean the shit out of the place (I’m going to do that after I finish writing), but I’m really happy with how turbo 70’s the vibe is in here, plus it’s great to have the couch and tv and internet and kitchen set up so we can just do normal daily living stuff like watching a show on tv while having dinner together at the end of the day. And Jenn got the hot tub going a few days ago which is obviously super sick. It’s pretty rainy right now so I look forward to hitting it in the rain this evening.

We’ve had some of our new friends up here pop by and that’s been really touching and nice. Today I went by my new place of work and chatted with the boys there and that was great too, they’re both super nice fellas.

I was thinking about how much I sucked at leaving Shawnigan when I was in my early and even mid-20’s. I did it several times for short stints but each time the homesickness was intense and I dreaded being anywhere but Shawnigan. I figured there would still be a bit of that this time but probably not as bad because

• I’m older and more experienced and know to expect that kind of thing and ride it out,
• I’m here with Jenn so even if I sucked at making new friends I still wouldn’t be alone, and
• I’ve been coming here for eight years so I know the place and some people and already knew I liked it here — there’s no “oh fuck, I wasn’t expecting this, this is awful.”

I think those aspects have all really helped make this a much easier escape from Shawnigan than any of my previous adventures, and I’m happy about that. I finally feel set up for success this time. Only took half my life but better late than never.

I should get back to cleaning up. I just installed a 70’s toilet paper holder in the bathroom but the cutting tool really made a dusty mess of the job so I’m cleaning that up first, and then commencing on dusting, sweeping, and mopping the whole house. Then I need to shake out and maybe wash some rugs. That sounds boring but I love this kind of shit, bringing order to and putting finishing touches on a place. I’ve been listening to chillwave radio all afternoon but maybe it’s time for some death metal. Or maybe just some specific chillwave mixes (the stuff on the radio station can be a bit hit and miss — I hate when they have any organic instruments at all, it’s way more surfer beach vibes/less Bladerunner, and that’s obviously no good). Anyhow, toodle-oo.

^Yup.

first post-shawnigan post

Well sports fan, there it is. I’m here in Sointula now, I finally left the nest of Shawnigan. I’ve wanted to blog lots over the last several days but there has been zero time for anything but moving. Ok it turns out I actually don’t even have time now, Jenn says it’s time to go to the dance at the hall. I’m not in the mood to go, which I’ll get into later, but I feel like I really should because dances don’t happen here very often so I should take advantage of that (I really hope the music makes me wanna dance), plus it’s fortuitous timing for a big social event to be happening just days after we moved here so I should use that to connect with existing friends and acquaintances here, and maybe make some new ones. You have to do this stuff to set yourself up for success when you move to new communities, or I do anyway. Anyway, off I go, to be continued.

Ok I’m back. Now it’s 12:15 am. It was an ok evening, about what I expected. I liked hanging out with people before the dance at Ben and Shannon’s place. Got to the dance and the music was bad country so that was a rough start. Then the dj played some disco hits and I loved that, danced for 4 or 5 songs, but then it went to modern pop and hip hop so I went outside and hung out with some folks there for a while. The modern pop and hip hop continued so at 11:30 I called it a night. Jenn was having fun so I left her there to catch a ride home with the DD service or call me if that’s a fuck around. It was good to meet some more folks and I liked the disco dancing so I’m glad I went.

On to how I’m feeling with the move. I’m ok, right around how I expected to feel. I feel pretty unsettled, probably largely due simply to adjusting to the idea of calling this place home now. That’s obviously a big change after living in one small town for your whole life. But we are still only barely unpacked and set up — most of our clothes are still in garbage bags piled up on the floor of our room, and all our furniture and boxes of shit are piled up in the living room. That’s clearly not conducive to feeling at home somewhere, plus I just hate not being organizized (lol) — even under normal circumstances it legitimately stresses me out even if just the floor is dirty, and here the floor is filthy AND most of our shit is still a tangled pile of crap. So there’s all that.

And while I’m not profoundly sad about leaving Shawnigan, I feel like I do have more emotions about it than I am currently letting myself feel. On the morning Jenn and I left our old place, I felt myself get just slightly teary when I locked one of the horse gates behind myself. That was interesting because I was always annoyed by that gate (with horses you always have to unlock the gate when you go in then lock it behind you, and the lock is always cumbersome and annoying to prevent the horses from opening it and escaping) so I knew then that I wasn’t like “I’m going to miss these things I love soooo much,” I knew that it was more that it was just sad to say goodbye to familiar things. Kind of like when we had our mean old cat put down and I cried even though I didn’t like him much. Familiarity counts for something, I guess. Anyway, I also got just slightly teary when I closed the driveway gate behind us for the last time. Those were the only moments I have felt definitely sad or anything intense. The rest of this has mostly ranged from low and moderate stress and anxiety to feeling good, positive, optimistic about the whole thing. My #1 goal right now is to GET ALL OUR SHIT UNPACKED because we obviously just need to be able to find our shit when we need it, but also because I’m sure it will help me feel more at peace during this stressful time. Then I have a bunch of yard work I want to do, which will also help make this feel more like home. And I want to develop routines here like I had in Shawnigan, I want to get back taking the dog for a hike in the morning, doing weight training regularly, that kind of thing. And I want to get my drums set up so I can start playing them again, and I want to get started recording music here asap. And after tonight, I want to start a cover band up here so we can play the occasional dance. Well, maybe — maybe that would turn out to be a terrible idea and no one would like the music we played. I guess I’ll have to give that one more thought.

Anyway, the point is, there is a lot I want to get to like right now, but won’t be able to for a while. That’s ok, I can prioritize and figure it out, but if I could snap my fingers and get some of this stuff sorted out immediately, that sure would be nice.

Bed time. Oh, that’s another thing. I’ve been tired as all hell for the past week. Probably due to stress. Stress is a bastard.

last vic trip/sock return

Sunny and hot. It’s mid-May and wildfires and already raging in BC and Alberta. It’s my last day in Shawnigan and I’m stressed to the tits with moving but have to run to Victoria to pick up a fucking vintage rug I dropped off to be repaired at a 5-star rug shop about two months ago. It wasn’t supposed to take this long but buddy had some “family emergency” (of course he did), plus he grossly underestimated how big the repair job on my rug was. Mentioned this numerous times, how much longer and how many more materials it took, how it cost him a lot of money. I assume he was hoping I’d be like “please, let me pay you however much you think is fair” but fuck that. I already paid way too much for this stupid thing and had to pester the cunt even to have it done by this, my last day in the south island. Thanks a lot for all the hassles, pal.

Anyway, I pick up the rug, it goes fine. It looks good, at least. He mentions the extra time and materials again, I’m like “thanks so much, I really appreciate it” but don’t offer to pay extra.

Next I go to a little shop to return some fun socks I bought a few weeks ago. The cashier is a short, obese Gen Z female with badly dyed hair. I tell her the socks are flawed and cut into my feet so I’d like to exchange them. I present the receipt. She stares at me and says “ummmm I’m not sure what to tell you, you wore them and didn’t like them?…” and makes a weird face. I correct her and state it’s not a matter of dislike, I say they cut my feet. I show her the stitching that is not stretchy while the rest of the sock is. She keeps repeating her worthless, misinformed take on the situation. After several tries and too many instances of her weird wincing expression that tell me she is really struggling with this interaction, I ask if there is a manager I can speak to. She haltingly says “I don’t think there’s anyone that…” but then I hear a woman upstairs somewhere say, “I’ll be right down, Josie.” A mature woman comes down, we have a normal conversation, and she says of course I can exchange the socks. I am in a rush at this point after wasting so much time pointlessly bickering with the troll so I quickly peruse the rack and find a pair of very nice, very purple eggplant-themed socks. I take them to the hideous creature and say “I’ll take these.” She realizes then that she made a mistake when she marked up my receipt (of course she did), corrects it, and then says “ok you’re all set.” I thank her as if I don’t want to slap her silly and inform her that if she has this much trouble with even the slightest confrontation, life is only going to get much, much worse for her. I leave the store happy with my new socks.

I meet with Cody for bubble tea. We bump into each other on the street. He is dressed perfectly casually and looks great. A breath of fresh air after the sock mutant. The only bubble tea place open this early is one we’ve never gone to, SH91. I’m dubious but it turns out to be great. Cody is a gem. I will miss him in the north island. We chat about his schooling, work, how much working sucks, how much moving sucks. He walks me back to my car, we hug goodbye.

I drive home and dive back in to packing like a madman.

muddy shores

Jenn and I are right in the middle of moving, and I hate it. My back is sore. The house is half empty, and the stuff that is still here is in boxes or bags or laying strewn about waiting to be packed into the trailer or truck. Sound echoes in here now, it’s a weird and lonely sound.

We have already moved a bunch of stuff up to our place in Sointula so this run should be the last of material stuff. Then we basically just camp in the house until the 15th when we pack up the horse, mule, goat, cats, chickens, and dog and make the final journey north to our new home. We have to wait until the 15th for that because we have a final notary appointment regarding the house sale on the 14th. It totally sucks to have to camp in the house with a camping mattress on the floor, no kitchen table or chairs, no couch, no tv — how can one relax in such a situation? I don’t know. Smoke a lot of grass and lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling maybe? I guess we will find out.

Anyway, this is just a crazy period in our lives so I wanted to document it. This period stinks and I’ve been dreading it for some time, but we have to go through it to get to the other side. And on the bright side, I’m glad that we’re finally actually doing something besides planning and waiting, finally waist-deep in the river as we carry our belongings across. I hate waiting, and like tangible progress.

moving stress, and things I look forward to after this move

I’ve been stressed to the tits about moving lately. There’s just non-stop headaches and shit all over the place — so many things to consider, remember, make decisions on, remember to make decisions on, mistakes that have been made that need to be problem solved, tons of stuff to be moved, yada yada. I hate it. I just want to fast forward about 6-8 weeks into the future when we’re done this phase and able to settle in to our new place and, with any luck, start to relax a bit.

A few weeks ago when Jenn and I took the dog for a walk, we talked about some of the things we are looking forward to once we are done this move, and that was nice. It was a good reminder of why we are doing this, and why I shouldn’t get bogged down by the shit that we have to deal with before we reach our goal. I’ve been meaning to write a comprehensive list of those things I’m looking forward to here, so here goes.

• Being mortgage free (this is a big one)
• A more chill work situation for me that will allow me better sleeps (this is doubly great)
• Working less, making more time for interests I want to prioritize
• Summers that don’t fill me with dread due to their insane heat
• No more 6-months-out-of-the-year water restrictions
• Finally having a hot tub we can relax in together (we both love hot tubs)
• Full chill 70’s vibes in the house
• Bigger property with way more privacy
• No more awful south island traffic
• Living in an area with lots of cool stuff and places we want to explore that aren’t swarming with other people
• Better living situations for the horses and chickens (the chickens will have a large fenced area so no more chicken shit and holes they have dug all over the yard)
• Jenn’s office will be in the barn which will give her space from me when she is working, and hopefully allow her to switch in and out of work mode easier
• Easier hay access for Jenn (no more death trap stairs and hay loft door)
• Heat pump means I don’t have to be a miser about baseboard heat or maintain a fire in the woodstove
• Standby generator means we will never be without power
• There are some things about our current house we hate and look forward to never dealing with again

That’s all I can think of right now. Might come up with some more later. Anyway, some of those are bigger deals than others — I’d say four or five of them are huge deals, and the rest range from ‘fairly significant’ to ‘merely nice.’ All of them combined though makes for a ‘this should be a really great move for us.’

Of course there are bummer aspects to the move — not seeing key friends as often and not having the trails of Cobble Hill mountain just outside our door are the biggest ones that come to mind for me — but I plan on coming down island regularly and hope to see good friends on those trips, plus over the years I’ve learned that many important friendships don’t require meeting in the flesh frequently to stay strong. Seeing pals is always nice of course and I want as much of it as I can get but I’m not concerned for my friendships like I would have been 10 years ago. And there are plenty of trails just outside our door up there too, I just don’t know them yet.

The moving stress sucks but overall I’m feeling pretty good about this move.

a tale of two microwaves

Several years ago, I bought a vintage microwave. Right away, I was like “this thing is old but you can literally feel the higher quality of it.” It weighs about 50 lbs (no exaggeration). The door itself has heft and feels substantial when you close it, and it glides on its hinges incredibly smoothly even after 40-odd years. The button for the door also feels strong and operates so smoothly that it’s incredibly satisfying just to open and close the dang door. It has membrane buttons (which of course are not as nice as real physical buttons and knobs) but they work perfectly. Unlike most microwaves that have that annoying little plastic circular roller track that the glass plate rotates on, this microwave has little wheels built into the floor of the microwave area — you never have to piss around with losing or breaking that flimsy circular roller. Everything about this microwave is just top notch. I loved it the second I started using it and appreciated all these things. Mine looks similar to this one.

But we are moving so I brought the beloved microwave up to our new place and bought a crappy used but newer one to use here and leave behind, and holy cow it’s crappy. I mean, it does its job, but everything I just gushed about on the old Panasonic, I feel the opposite about on this new one. Everything about it is flimsy and lightweight and feels like it’s about to snap at any moment. The membrane buttons work but are finicky so you often have to press them multiple times. Plus it’s just ugly, so character-less. I’m not even going to find a picture of one that looks like it because there’s just no point.

This experience has only served to strengthen my love for the old Panasonic workhorse, and my general belief in old shit often being made to higher standards. What surprised me is that even Jenn has commented a few times on how crappy the new microwave feels in comparison to the old one. That really melted my heart — if someone who doesn’t have a passion for old junk (and old appliances in particular) finds the difference in quality remarkable, that tells me that I’m not totally out to lunch here, not just a mad member of the vintage crap cult. There really is something to this stuff sometimes.

The process of paring down

Just like how this last winter saw me blog lots about my little breakdown, now there are gonna be lots of posts about moving. I haven’t moved in 15 years, and I’ve basically never moved away from my small hometown, so this is a pretty big deal for me and is making me consider lots of different things I hadn’t much thought to before.

One of those things is stuff I was hanging on to almost solely for the sake of memories associated with them. The best example I have of this is my old Nintendo and Super Nintendo and the collection of games I have for them. I haven’t played any of those games in ages because they just aren’t fun for me anymore, except for times I played them with pals. Dana and I used to play 1943 occasionally and I loved doing that, but we hadn’t done that in I don’t know how many years, and it doesn’t seem like we ever will again. I still wanted to hang on to the games and consoles though, in the hope that maybe one day someone would come by who would want to play those games with me.

That’s fucking stupid though. 1, I don’t have time for the shit I actually really want to do, so when would I possibly find time to play old video games again? 2, even if I did find time for that, it’s extremely unlikely I’m going to find another person who wants to occasionally play vids with me, and even less likely we would both be free and in the mood for gaming at the same time. 3, our new place is smaller than our old one so I need to get rid of stuff I don’t use, including video games I have barely touched in a decade.

Shit. Now that I’m writing this, the only misgiving I have is that I have a few video games that are fairly rare and sort of valuable. I wonder if I should hang on to those just as investments — I mean, over time they will only become more valuable. Dang. Ok well, I guess it makes sense to sell 99% of the stuff but keep the few small things that may turn out to grow in value over the years. I shouldn’t feel too bad about that. It’s actually a pretty good happy medium. Ok that’s what I’m gonna do. Glad I wrote this.

Anyway, I’ve noticed a few things I own like my old video games, things I have hung on to because I enjoyed them in the past and hoped I could enjoy them again in the future. A lot of the time though, that’s just not realistic, so the culling has continued — horror movies on VHS, CD’s, vinyl records, some music gear, some clothing, etc. I feel like I have done a good job of letting go of stuff so far but I’m curious to see if I end up regretting many of these decisions. Time will tell, I suppose.

^{This is a cool game.}

exciting news: more breakdowns to come!!

Jenn and I sold our place in Shawnigan last week. I’ve wanted to blog about it but have been too busy. I’m still too busy but had to say something about it, even if quick and minor.

Last night my Misfits cover band practiced for the first time since, ummm, early December I think? Despite having not gotten together in four months, it was still great. We played all 29 of our songs (wow, I didn’t realize we played that many last night — no wonder I was exhausted), and we played them just as well (and in some cases, better) than usual. Lots of laughs throughout and after the jam. Trenton came early and we jammed on some Nirvana songs and that was fun.

But it was the last time we will ever practice here, and that made me sad again. Shades of my xmas breakdown. I’ve had a few of these moments since the house officially sold but they’ve been subtle enough that I wasn’t sure if I was really feeling something or just imagining it. Last night I definitely felt it though, and I don’t like that at all. I’ve been feeling just fine since xmas but I knew this was likely coming. I hoped it wasn’t but here we are.

To be clear, I’m not a wreck like I was then. Just a little sad. Which is ok, it’s fine and totally manageable. And in this particular instance I just have to remind myself that yeah we won’t practice here ever again, but we’ll practice other places every now and again! And the fun of our jams isn’t because it’s in my cramped, tiny, drywalled, hot as hell, stinky even at the best of times guest room (when I put it that way, I’m actually pumped to not jam there anymore) — it’s fun because we are a funny mixed bag of good dinks playing easy songs we love, and as long as we keep this band up, we will have that.

I’m curious to see how the rest of my moving sadness episodes will go. I hope they go like this, where they aren’t severe and when I really think about it I realize the thing I’m sad about isn’t actually that bad at all. Wouldn’t that be lovely?

I doubt it will all be this easy but one can hope.