thoughts on working, retirement, and pensions in this fucked up day and age

• Working during the best years of your life for a pension during the worst years is kind of a wack trade. Sure, it would be nice to have a steady, reliable income so you could live comfortably when you’re older, but your body only works well for so long before things start to hurt and your health starts to fail, so I think it’s probably best to strike a balance somehow. Maybe moderating how much you work in your best years and making sure to take enough time to really make enjoy your good health, and taking less of a pension later is a good option. Or working like a dog but retiring super early so you at least have a handful of good years left before your arthritis and back issues and fucked heart prevent you from doing anything but watching The Price Is Right and collecting a fat pension you can’t do shit with. Both of those sound reasonable to me.
• But it’s funny how pensions and the promise of lots of money later lure people in. I have co-workers who are obsessed with this stuff and are always thinking about how, if they work this much more and make that much more money for X number of years, they’ll make this much more per year on their pension. They’re always talking about it, always chasing a bigger pension that is 25-30 years down the road. They have fully bought into it, and I think that’s as nuts as a lazy sod being like “nah I’m not gonna work at all, I’m content to live on social assistance and lead an extremely meager existence” — they are equally extreme, just in opposite directions. But we only see the lazy sod as being unhinged, not the pension seeker. I think North American work culture has really done a bang-up job of programming us this way, to overvalue hard work and pensions.
• On top of wasting your good health working instead of living, there is also the risk of dying before you get to collect your pension. I’ve heard of lots of people in my line of work who died within their first year of retirement, and I can’t imagine a more cruel joke. Well, I guess dying while still young and not even getting to retire at all would be a more cruel joke, and I do hear of that happening occasionally too.
• I’m not convinced we are even going to be able to collect pensions by the time I reach 65. Pensions come from financial investments the government makes, and as climate change causes more and more chaos around the globe, I think it’s likely that many investments, and thus pensions, are going to start to collapse. So you could bust your hump so that you are “guaranteed” a big fat pension cheque each month, but if the world becomes a raging inferno and food and water and housing become harder to secure, you can bet all the investments and theoretical wealth around the world will dry up and/or mean nothing. Now there’s no money to pay you for all your hard work all those years ago. It’s a terrifying thought, but I think it’s a realistic one when you look at how extreme wildfires are getting, how more towns and cities are being ravaged by them each year, how we are seeing extended droughts everywhere (even in the winter now), how the lack of snow pack in mountains means rivers running low which means hydro dams can’t create enough electricity to power all the air conditioners we now need to avoid cooking in the summer. I could go on but you get the idea — when the world falls apart, simply surviving will be everyone’s priority. Paying you the pension you earned will not be anyone’s priority.
• Another aspect ties a few of these possibilities together: even if you don’t die soon or run into unpleasant health problems soon, if the world does dissolve into utter chaos due to climate change, it’s gonna be hard living then, period. I believe we are on that course (although the timeline for the real breakdown of society is up in the air — I bet it will be in my lifetime but of course I actually have no idea), and that’s part of why I think it’s so important to enjoy life now. Enjoy it while we still have some water, and 40 degree summer days only occur every for a week or so each year. Enjoy it before it’s your town and home that starts burning. Make the best of this while you can, because things are already alarming now, and they are steadily getting worse as we speak. Don’t wait 30 years to have fun because by then, joy might be pretty hard to find.

^{…before you’re engulfed in flames}

the human race casually filming its impending doom

Yesterday I saw this video of tourists standing at the bottom of a massive rock slide, filming it despite certain death rolling down the hill towards them. I wondered how a human could possibly be this stupid.

Also yesterday, I saw that the last nine months have been some of the hottest months we have ever recorded on Earth. Of course, anyone with a brain would already have guessed that what with the deadly droughts, heat waves, wild fires, “zombie fires,” and whatnot that have been ravaging all areas of the planet more and more of in recent years.

But we aren’t going to change our ways. We aren’t going to do anything of the magnitude that is required to actually make a difference until the flames are literally engulfing our homes. Then we will be like, “oh shit, this is bad.”

We are all the tourists filming the rock slide tumbling down towards us. The human race is, generally speaking, that stupid. It’s pretty incredible. I wonder if I’ll survive long enough to witness the chaos unfold.

I like New York choking on smoke: I’ve been scared for years and am glad that others finally are now too

Canadian forests are burning like fucking crazy this year, all across the country. The smoke has blanketed the eastern US and stirred up a lot of concern out there, and I couldn’t be happier about it.

See, I’ve spent decades fretting about the effects we humans have been having on this planet, trying to convince everyone who would listen to do our parts to decrease our impact here. Eventually, maybe five or six years ago, I realized that it’s a sinking ship, that it’s too late and there is no hope, that 99% of people either don’t know how bad things are (despite events like all of Canada’s forests burning) or they just don’t care, and there’s nothing I can do about it. At that point I decided that all I can do is my personal part to have as small a footprint on this planet as I can, and enjoy the show as Earth descends into a hellish chaos.

And this is part of that show. Finally, now that major cities are forced to stare at the result of choices humanity has made, even regular dumbass people are scared, and I find that immensely gratifying. I spent so many years worrying about this stuff, feeling like a freak because scant few shared my concern. Now, at long last, more people are feeling as fucked as I did for all those years, and I’m feeling a great sense of “I told you so.”

I’m excited to see where this snowball rolling downhill goes. Despite the growing fear, I don’t believe people will change or give up their comforts. We’ll all be eating Big Macs and buying the new iPhones and driving gas hog trucks and having 12 kids right up until the fire is at our doors. Even if we were to give all that stuff up, I think it would still be too late — things like these massive fires are now feeding the very cycles that started them in the first place. And since we WON’T give anything up, the chaos will only continue to accelerate, which I’m fine with. It just means I’ll get to see even more amazing, crazy shit before I die.

It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel GREAT! Welcome the cataclysm, praise the abyss!

you did me a favour when I left you behind

I love smashing glass jars when I take our recycling to the depot. Now let’s just get this out of the way, Bowman:

What does this joy in smashing jars say about me? I mean, I hate waste like crazy. Recycling has its place but it’s still dreadfully wasteful when it would take less energy to simply reuse a thing. So it drives me nuts that when it comes to glass — an easy to clean, disinfect, and reuse product — we instead opt to collect it, drive tons upon tons of it around (and glass is heavy as hell so think of the fuel costs to move it from place to place), and use special processes to break it down or melt it or whatever, reform it, ship it out again. Recycling glass is maybe a little bit better than tossing it in the landfill but not by much so I don’t like recycling it — I don’t enjoy smashing jars because I am so wildly supportive of our glass recycling programs.

And yet, every time I go to the recycling depot, my fave part of the visit is launching each glass container into the metal bin. I’m sure the staff and other people stare and wonder why an apparently normal adult is making such a point to gleefully smash all the glass they possibly can, but I couldn’t care less. It’s worth it. Despite being wasteful and something I can’t abide by, I can’t deny that smashing glass is really fucking fun.

It makes me wonder about the odd drive so many humans have to just break shit. I mean, I am not alone in this, and it’s not just glass. People love watching building demolitions, and hit-to-pass car racing derbies. And when crowds of people celebrate it often turns into a riot where windows are smashed and cars are burnt and flipped over — and the people doing that shit are happy! So why? Why do we take such joy in destruction? My first thought is that doing so is like freeing yourself from the shackles of developed human thinking and living — we live in such highly structured and ordered worlds that I bet it just feels good to free yourself from that in some small way and say “aahhhh fuck it, I’m sick of having to make sense and have reasons for my actions.” It’s probably just a rebellion against the tyranny of a conscious and/or structured existence.

Wow, I think that’s a pretty good guess for me just sitting at my computer, plunking keys while thinking about smashing jars at the recycling depot. Not sure how right it is but it seems plausible and that’s enough for me. Well done, Janie.

^{chaos reigns}

“self-replicating armageddon assembler”

I’m torn. I want to do yoga right now, but I’m really enjoying listening to Skaldic Curse’s Devourer album. It’s absolutely brimming with themes and qualities I love and relate to — misanthropy, nihilism, chaos, unsettling weirdness…I think I know my yoga routine well enough that I could do it while continuing to listen to Skaldic Curse instead of the yoga audio guide I usually use, or close enough anyway. Hmmm. I like doing it along with the guide to keep my breathing and shit all in check, but fuck it. Sometimes you just have to get zen while hating on the human race. A time and place for all things.

Ah fuck, the album is almost over. Dang it. Well, at least this situation puzzled itself out.

First post of 2021 though, off with a banger! Wow. Jk, this post stinks. I don’t care.

4 3 2 1

I think the US is going to erupt after the upcoming presidential election. Things are already so bad there now, and I don’t think it’s going to improve before the election. I think the situation is going to continue to simmer and occasionally boil over in small pockets, and it will culminate on election night or soon thereafter when someone inevitably loses. Then everyone who voted for the loser is going to claim the election was rigged and completely lose their shit. I wonder if I can make bets about this online. I should ask Bill, he bet online on the last election and won some money. I’d like to get in on that.

The problem right now is that both the left and right are so polarized, so extreme in their opinions and also thoroughly convinced about the other side being totally out to lunch, that no one is willing to concede anything, cooperate, compromise, etc. Everyone wants what they want and everyone who wants otherwise is a fascist — it’s a case of the pot AND the kettle calling each other black. It’s sad and frustrating to see.

I just wanted to note this here so that when shit goes down in November, I can look back and say, “I saw it coming.” I’ll probably just make some popcorn and watch the fireworks then, and hopefully count my winnings.

Fuck yeah

the wrap

well, festivus has come and gone. so has xmas. and now we are in the tense period between xmas and new years eve, a weird time that feels kind of like an extended holiday even though everyone is back to work and stores are open for their regular hours. and i feel appropriately tense and weird.

festivus was wonderful. i was so overwhelmed with joy that the next day, i wanted to reach out to everyone i saw the night before and tell them all how much i love and appreciate them. this song came on out of nowhere at the very end of festivus and became a perfect soundtrack to my giddy over-stimulation.

jenn and i slept in late the following day and then spent the afternoon and xmas eve with her parents at their place. it snowed while we walked on the beach, which is no small feat in maple bay. my holiday high continued.

xmas morning was lovely too. i made breakfast for jenn and i, we unwrapped our presents to each other, and we dog walked with matt and chant. it was all one can hope for from xmas. i worked that night, which turned out to be the boiling point for my hatred for my employer but that’s a boring story not worth sharing here, and luckily, hasn’t really affected how i’m feeling now.

what will new years eve hold? will it measure up to the rest of this holiday season? no one knows but i’m still feeling a bit giddy, and looking forward to whatever the night ends up bringing.

although i’m hoping for complete and utter chaos, naturally.

everyone you love will break your heart if you don’t break theirs first

today i was thinking about how every time we allow someone into our lives and let ourselves care dearly for them, we sign up for yet another horrible, crushing loss when that person dies. because unless you die first, you’re going to see every one of those people you care about die slowly from cancer, mangled in the twisted wreck of a car against a telephone pole, lingering in a hospital bed with alzheimer’s, dead in a casket at their funeral…the list goes on. there are so many awful possibilities, and one of them is absolutely going to come to fruition.

and if you die first, of course, you’ll avoid that heartache and sense of loss yourself but will inflict it on those people you care about. it’s really a lose/lose situation.

…save for the off-chance that you and the people that matter to you all die at the same time. that would really be something. i just noticed those coffins are set up in a 69 position. that’s weird.

i feel like we delude ourselves into believing everything will be fine forever, or we at least try to put stuff like this out of our minds so that we can keep enjoying today, and i don’t like that approach. what i’m saying is legit, and i want to be prepared for the things i know are bound to happen. i don’t want to be a basket case when finally confronted with something as assured as death. i’m sure i’ll still be a bit of one regardless of how much thought i give it beforehand but if i can save myself any grief at all by considering this kind of thing now when it doesn’t make me a sobbing mess, then why not? i think it makes sense.

coincidentally, i had a dream last night that jenn and i died at the same time. we were in hawaii and hurricane winds were whipping around and trees were exploding into flame for no reason. we were standing outside in the midst of this chaos, watching in terror and awe, when i saw a huge tree come crashing down towards us. it landed on us and everything went black. and that was that.

we should only be so lucky.

cheap stuff attracts pieces of shit; a supposed nihilist reveals his true colours

more adventures in selling used crap online. i put our old camper up for sale for the paltry amount of $300 because it’s ugly, has a leak and some water damage at one of the skylights, and some body damage at one spot. everything works great though so it’s not a total piece of crap. i posted the ad and within an hour, i had two replies. within two hours, i had 8 replies. but all these replies were like ‘im intreated when cani see it ??’ so i knew i was dealing with dummies. i thought, no problem, as long as the dummies have $300 it doesn’t matter.

well, it does matter, because all the white trash around here are painfully stupid and flaky. a guy last night said he’d come today to get it but he had no idea where he lived, where i was, or how to get from there to here. this was even using google maps, so i mean he was turbo stupid, or maybe drunk at home alone which isn’t much better. anyway, today i called him at our agreed upon time and he told me he had already driven to mill bay today, and then to duncan, and then home, and he was just wiped out. couldn’t manage to come get the camper tonight. i said ok, you’re not interested. he said he was interested but maybe he could come get it another time this week, and gave some weird specific hours on wednesday or some shit. i said i was busy at work and hung up on him. so i’ve now emailed and called every other piece of shit that has feigned interest in this fucking camper. let’s see which one actually follows through now. i’m constantly amazed at what consistently awful experiences i have selling used stuff online.

in other news, i recently read that sigmund ‘satyr’ wongraven (singer of the norwegian black metal band, satyricon) has been diagnosed with a brain tumour. here’s the dark damned one himself, on the right.

he revealed this to the world via his instagram account, noting that it was likely benign so it would only be removed if it was a matter of life and death, that many people in the world have it much worse than he, and that he has a great support network of family and friends.

i was immediately struck by two things: how odd it is that a devil-worshiping nihilist has an instagram account, and that said nihilist would not be thrilled at the prospect of an early death. i’ve never liked satyricon at all but always regarded them as one of the ‘true, elite’ black metal legends, thoroughly dedicated to anti-humanism and chaos, so hearing him talk about surgery to save his life, acknowledging that his situation is not ideal, and how grateful he is for those closest to him really messes with my perception of him. maybe i always had the wrong impression, maybe the nihilist angle was just for show, maybe he used to be a nihilist but changed his views over time, or maybe he’s just a phony goofball. who knows, but it sure is weird. i guess impending death tends to soften most people up a bit.

plant face

i’ve had a few disturbing dreams lately. a couple days ago, i dreamed i was in a fancy, almost futuristic bathroom looking in the mirror. my face had all kinds of weeds growing out of it, like little blades of grass, thistles, dandelions. i was bewildered and horrified. in the dream, i figured either my pores were huge and full of dirt, or i was super, super filthy and had a thick layer of dirt on my face, or that my face was actually made of dirt. regardless, i didn’t like the stuff growing there so i started weeding my face. when i pulled stuff out it left gaping holes where the roots had been, and i was further disgusted by this.

this was deep in my face.

that was the end of it. i woke up and felt like i had just watched a good cronenberg film and was all fucked up from the gross body horror.

then today, i dreamed that a few normally friendly farm animals were fighting. i think it was an alpaca and a little goat but they were out for each others blood. it seemed like some sign of disharmony, of impending chaos, like when the light was orange and pink from the nearby forest fires this summer. anyway, then i saw a bunch of people with hands for feet and vice versa. it doesn’t sound too crazy but if you actually picture what that looks like when they use their hands to walk around and feet to write and carry stuff, it’s very strange. i woke up feeling not as grossed out as i did by the weed face thing, but very unsettled nonetheless. there was something very strange and ‘not right’ about it. i didn’t like it.

i told dana about the weed dream yesterday. he half joked that there might be some deeper meaning to it, like not liking something about myself, or feeling like i have some parasite attached to me that will be unpleasant to rid myself of. i don’t think i buy any of that though, i think brains just kind of go to town when it comes to dreams. sometimes they can feel powerful or meaningful but usually i don’t think they mean much.

man, that videodrome gif is disgusting. cronenberg has a real knack, wow. it’s pretty cool that he received the order of canada. it’s like even though his specialty isn’t classical music or schindler’s list — even though his specialty is strange nightmare gore — even classy types acknowledge that he does it really fucking good.